husband trying to recover from porn addiction

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utahmomma
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husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by utahmomma »

So yeah, do any of you have any experience dealing with this kind of thing? I think it would help me if I could talk about this with someone who understands what is like. Right now I feel heart broken and I'm not really sure what I need to do to help him kick the addiction, if that's even possible.

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jbalm
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by jbalm »

No offense, but when it comes to porn, a lot of people play fast and loose with the term "addiction."

How much does he look at it? Does it interfere with his job? Does he skip sleeping at night to look at it?

I just ask, because overstating the problem could lead to more, otherwise avoidable, problems.

Nan
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Nan »

You will need to ignore some people on here that do not see the problem with looking at porn. They do not understand the devastating effects it has on families. They do not understand the feelings of betrayal or the feelings of being cheated on. They simply do not understand the pain that comes from a spouse doing this. The church does have a group for family members of addicts. I would suggest that group. The other thing to understand is that he had issues with this long before you came into his life. It will take a lot of work on both your parts,a lot of honesty from him, a lot of love and forgiveness from you. But it is possible for him to turn this around and for you to have an even happier marriage than you currently have.

utahmomma
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by utahmomma »

Jbalm- he says he doesn't do it at work, but he's been looking at it almost daily for several years. He's tried to quit and can't. I define it as an addiction.

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Rensai
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Rensai »

utahmomma wrote:So yeah, do any of you have any experience dealing with this kind of thing? I think it would help me if I could talk about this with someone who understands what is like. Right now I feel heart broken and I'm not really sure what I need to do to help him kick the addiction, if that's even possible.
I've seen this many times. Its definitely possible to kick the addiction, but it's hard. He has to really want it and even then it's usually two steps forward, one step back for a while. Let him know how much you love him AND how much it hurts you. Helping him understand how you feel is very important. He probably doesn't really understand that right now. Satan is very good at convincing people that it is harmless. Once he understands the pain he is causing you, he will get serious about it and take steps to break the addiction. You'll have to be patient and supportive while he does that.

There's a lot of advice out there about how to break the addiction once he's ready to commit to that. I think the main thing is to remove the temptation for a while by avoiding TV,internet,etc. While simultaneously filling his spare time with something wholesome. Studying the gospel is very helpful too. As he draws closer to the spirit, porn will lose its appeal. In a year or two he will look back and wonder how he ever desired that filth.

ElectLady
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by ElectLady »

My friend has received a lot of help from the church's ARP program. It is not only for the addict, but for their spouses, too. I think it is even a separate meeting from the addict's meeting. Not sure. Anyway, the idea of Visions of Glory is a good suggestion too- that visual of the interaction of good and bad influences has also helped my friend's family. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Fiannan
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Fiannan »

jbalm wrote:No offense, but when it comes to porn, a lot of people play fast and loose with the term "addiction."

How much does he look at it? Does it interfere with his job? Does he skip sleeping at night to look at it?

I just ask, because overstating the problem could lead to more, otherwise avoidable, problems.
True, the term "porn addiction" is not recognized by psychology. It can come under a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder with a sub categorization for "sexual addiction" if it does interfere with work, or is involving illegal activities.

From my understanding porn usage when within age and gender cohorts are generally similar whatever religion one has, or not being a believer of any sort. The more religious a person is however the more they will describe their use as an addiction. It is therefore a very subjective term.

Not saying porn use is moral, it is just not in the vast majority of cases, an addiction.

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jbalm
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by jbalm »

The best thing to do is exactly the opposite of what the church does--don't make a big deal about it.

"Porn addiction" is primarily a Utah phenomenon. Why do you think that is?

Fiannan
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Fiannan »

jbalm wrote:The best thing to do is exactly the opposite of what the church does--don't make a big deal about it.

"Porn addiction" is primarily a Utah phenomenon. Why do you think that is?

The church created this disease so they can sell you the cure. It is really quite despicable.
I agree in some ways but disagree in your conclusion. I believe the Church sees sexuality outside of marriage as a sin and porn turns sexuality into a spectator sport. The problem is that if you label someone as having an addiction you risk giving them the ultimate excuse not to get out of it (on a conscious level they may want to quit but subconsciously they have been given a license).

I have heard from many educators that one of the biggest problems in US schools is to keep kids off porn sites. Yet talking with educators from Europe they say this is not even mentioned in schools -- there is an expectation that porn is something you just would not access on a school computer. And even though they have no surf censors they don't find many instances of students going there. Note, I mean northern and central Europe, not Britain...I assume they have porn problems as they are an extremely repressed society and it shows when their young people go to other nations to party; they are the ones passing out drunk and naked in the streets.

I know some LDS families who made a huge deal out of this issue with their teens and this led to major moral problems with the kids once they reached 18. Not sure if any of these kids who were monitored night and day are still active. On the other hand I have known families that when their sons and daughters accessed porn the parents merely told them that it was natural to be curious and such but that it was not a good use of their mental and spiritual energy. I believe all of those young people are still active in the Church.

The lesson? If you want your kids to read the Book of Mormon ban it, tell them they will get in huge trouble if they are caught. In several years time they will be experts.

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WarMonger
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by WarMonger »

I have only had to council one person with a porn addiction that was a good few years ago - like any addiction I turn to Isiah 58 ( read the entire chapter) -Fasting it gives 4 spiritual aspects and 4 temporal aspects of fasting as well as 13 general blessings.

I told the young guys you need to fast and if you fail you need to fast again - it sounds weird like a form of self punishment!! The guy came back to me two weeks later big smile on his face and said - aah man it was tough but I did it . He had been trying for a very long time to overcome.
Having a mortal body has great benefit - we can use it as an aid to overcome spiritual addictions which is what porn is.

Isiah 58:6 Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?

The church has very good programs and online help for porn - I was in a Jehovah Witness Church last Sunday - they also have a pamphlet dealing with the issue - I would not recommend it - just saying LDS are not the only ones recognizing the issue it is a rampant problem.

Don't give up to quickly there is a way through these things.

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WarMonger
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by WarMonger »

Rensai advice is good - I remember a few years back one of the apostles said "There is no better washing machine than the Book of Mormon",

Like any sin first acknowledge the sin - in all AA meeting is its always the first thing they say 'I am an alcoholic and did bad things that affected those around me'
Had diner tonight with a widowed woman who said she had a family member (smoked a packet of cigarettes a day) who was an officer in the merchant navy and one day could not speak and went to the doctor who told him if he did not stop smoking he would loose his voice - he gave up right there on the spot. I have seen a very similar issue with a guy who was an alcoholic stopped on the spot when the doctor told him he will be dead in 3 months if he did not stop drinking. We tend to wait till the very end before we listen to the wake up call. The consequences of maintaining a porn addiction - needs to be made very clear and what the future will be if things don't change.

karend77
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by karend77 »

Utahmomma the church offers addiction groups for the person with the addiction and support groups for the family members. Start there. They are free.

Consider a router with a filter like "Pandora's Hope". Set it up and it will filter what he can see on the computer. Even if he is trying to stop the internet is not kind and things will pop up and tempt him. This router will help. (make sure only you have the password)

You will learn in the support groups to stand up for yourself, so that you can tell your husband how much this addiction is degrading and hurtful to you, as his wife.

Brain chemistry is changed with this addiction and so it will take time to re-train his brain. Be patient and hopeful. With God's help this can be overcome.

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jbalm
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by jbalm »

sen6b wrote:
jbalm wrote:The best thing to do is exactly the opposite of what the church does--don't make a big deal about it.

"Porn addiction" is primarily a Utah phenomenon. Why do you think that is?

The church created this disease so they can sell you the cure. It is really quite despicable.
What cure are they selling? Seriously though? I'm pretty sure the church didn't create porn addiction and it's not just a Utah thing.
It's a power play.

Make people think they are horrible for having natural urges, apply guilt liberally. Then, get the "addicted" person to jump through any number of hoops (dedicate more time to the church, pay more offerings, and ultimately become completely dependent on the church) to earn back the chance to be with their family in the next life.

If the church approach to this made up addiction isn't purposeful, then it is still an uninspired blunder of mammoth proportions.

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rewcox
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by rewcox »

Consider buying and studying the book: "He Did Deliver Me from Bondage", http://www.amazon.com/Deliver-From-Bond ... om+Bondage

The Savior is the one who has the power to heal. It is important for each of us to understand we are nothing, and we need to accept the Savior so He can help us over come addictions, trusting in our arm of flesh and forgiving others.

I consider this book to offer a great pattern for coming to the Savior. Book of Mormon verses are used, tying in with the 12 Step Program.

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Desert Roses
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Desert Roses »

As a professional, I can tell you that porn addiction is NOT a Utah phenomenon, nor is it limited to religious people. There are physiological changes in the brain associated with porn that aren't associated with sexual activity with another person, and these changes and chemical responses become "addictive" for lack of a better term. It is not addictive in the sense that heroin is addictive; they don't get sick and have physical symptoms from withdrawal. But it is a compulsive disorder and is physically driven by brain chemistry just as any compulsive disorder is.

Breaking the "feedback loop" that rewards the brain can have a big impact. His brain will begin to tell him that if he doesn't engage in this activity, he will suffer (whatever--a bad feeling, something he will miss out on, etc.). If he knows this, and is prepared, and has support from either the ARC group (I'd recommend at least 3-5 meetings a week if it is available, if not, find a good Sex Addicts Anonymous group in your area) or a professional counselor that can do intensive work for a period of time (up to 3 months of meeting 3 times a week).

It is possible to recover. However, just like an alcoholic can never safely have a drink again, he must realize that for him, all sexual activity should be with another person with whom he has a committed relationship (that's the recommendation of the SAA program, a 12-Step recovery program), and one that is very sensible. That includes having sex with himself.

I realize that doesn't exactly fit what some want to hear, but that's what the professionals are seeing work best. As for your part, his wife, the best thing you can do is nurture your own emotional and spiritual health. Take a look at any of your own compulsive-type behaviors (food, spending money, etc.) that might be enabling his, or allowing him to justify his behavior. Also look at getting support for yourself, either in the ARC groups, or with a professional counselor as well.

When he has been able to handle it for a time, and is on the recovery road, I strongly urge you to work on your marriage through a professional. The dynamics of pornography has a serious impact on trust, on intimacy, and on many areas of your relationship. It doesn't just "go away" even after the behavior has stopped.

May you find the answers you seek, and the peace that evades your family right now. The Savior has the answers, but our mortal minds and hearts sometimes need a little help accessing that love and hope and healing.

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jbalm
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by jbalm »

"Perceived addiction to Internet pornography is increasingly a focus of empirical attention. The present study examined the role that religious belief and moral disapproval of pornography use play in the experience of perceived addiction to Internet pornography. Results from two studies in undergraduate samples (Study 1, N = 331; Study 2, N = 97) indicated that there was a robust positive relationship between religiosity and perceived addiction to pornography and that this relationship was mediated by moral disapproval of pornography use. These results persisted even when actual use of pornography was controlled. Furthermore, although religiosity was negatively predictive of acknowledging any pornography use, among pornography users, religiosity was unrelated to actual levels of use. A structural equation model from a web-based sample of adults (Study 3, N = 208) revealed similar results. Specifically, religiosity was robustly predictive of perceived addiction, even when relevant covariates (e.g., trait self-control, socially desirable responding, neuroticism, use of pornography) were held constant. In sum, the present study indicated that religiosity and moral disapproval of pornography use were robust predictors of perceived addiction to Internet pornography while being unrelated to actual levels of use among pornography consumers."

http://link.springer.com/article/10.100 ... 7-z#page-1

The link will take you to the abstract I quoted. I didn't feel like paying 45 bucks for the whole study.

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wildernessdaughter
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by wildernessdaughter »

Our stake presidency has been really pushing genealogy work in our wards and in a recent ward conference our stake president told us that (sorry, this is paraphrasing, I don’t remember the exact details, just the overarching message) that he had recently been in a meeting with some GAs and one of them (sorry, can’t remember who) told them that getting involved in genealogy work would help combat temptations, specifically those related to pornography. So our stake president told everyone that doing genealogy was a powerful tool for fighting temptations like these and promised that if we would get involved with some kind of genealogy work, we would have more strength to fight temptations we’re facing.

I haven’t had experience with using genealogy to combat this specific problem, but I have found that when I am finding my ancestors names, submitting them and doing their temple work, I feel closer to the Spirit and have more desire to do the things I should be doing.

Maybe it’s something you could try together?

Cookies
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

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:|
Last edited by Cookies on April 24th, 2015, 8:43 am, edited 1 time in total.

Fiannan
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Fiannan »

Not to be defending porn but studies have shown that women who regularly look at porn have much higher self-esteem towards their body image than those who do not. Also, women who star in such movies score way higher on self esteem as well as spirituality than women in the general population. That last part caught me by surprise when I read it. :-?

I also read that the average woman in such films now has no implants, is about 5ft 5 inches tall and is not a blonde.

Just pointing out the facts here.

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notjamesbond003.5
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by notjamesbond003.5 »

Fiannan wrote:Not to be defending porn but studies have shown that women who regularly look at porn have much higher self-esteem towards their body image than those who do not. Also, women who star in such movies score way higher on self esteem as well as spirituality than women in the general population. That last part caught me by surprise when I read it. :-?

I also read that the average woman in such films now has no implants, is about 5ft 5 inches tall and is not a blonde.

Just pointing out the facts here.

This sounds like an argument from the Adversary:
.. and works of darkness; yea, and he leadeth them by the neck with a flaxen cord, until he bindeth them with his strong cords forever
.

njb

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iWitness
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by iWitness »

Could be that our concepts of beauty are skewed... we shall leave that for individual philosophizing.

What is beauty? I'm quite certain it's not what we think it is in our muddied up Telestial sphere. We seem to be very stuck in this illusion of the ideal. It's intensely frustrating when peering through the fog into higher realms to see what real beauty is and how ridiculous our limited views are.

NEVER EVER, AS A WOMAN OF GOD, LET SOMETHING AS DEROGATORY AS PORNOGRAPHY DAMAGE YOUR SELF ESTEEM OR SELF WORTH! Keep praying that God will help you to see your true beauty and true worth. If a man can't see it, it is totally his loss. He'll see one day.......... in everlasting burnings. :ymdevil:

That is my $0.02.

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Mormon Rabbi
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Mormon Rabbi »

Anything can become an addiction whether it be food, pornography, alcohol, etc. Perhaps one question to ask is why is the person using the particular thing to "medicate" or fill a need that something of a healthy nature should be filling. Utah has one of the highest per capita porn consumption rates in the US. Strangely enough internet providers have shown that UT county (home of BYU, etc) has the highest consumption rate in the state. Frankly, I think the Mormon mindset on sexuality is a great contributor to the whole thing, but not the only factor. Rather than placing blame, perhaps it is time to be open about the needs of the relationship and the people involved. No amount of genealogy work, fasting, and praying is going to magically take away addiction. They might be alternative activities to distract yourself with, but you need to find the root of the behavior.

Fiannan
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by Fiannan »

This sounds like an argument from the Adversary:
No, I was pointing out the facts. What good does it do to say something that is not true when defending morality? I may not believe it is right to shop on Sundays but I will not claim that by doing so you are...well, fill in the blanks.

there was a British documentary that dealt with a rather extreme form of body modification that many women in Britain were looking into getting. When the female host asked the women why they said that body area was in some way deformed and hideous. These women live in a repressed society that 1/2 of the adult female population cannot find their birth canal on a diagram of the body -- that's right, 1/2! Okay, so anyway the host had these women see a few dozen women's pictures without clothing and once they did they realized they were not unusual and that their bodies fell into the norm -- all these women who had considered what I would consider mutilation opted not to go through with it if I remember right.

Porn is immoral because you are paying people to commit fornication or adultery for the camera. However, it is not as damaging to body image as some people think because the women who view this stuff have higher positive body image than those who do not. Just pointing out facts is not doing Satan's work.

OCDMOM
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by OCDMOM »

My friend went to this group. LDS themed. Heart t' Heart.

http://www.heart-t-heart.org/meetings.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;.

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AI2.0
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Re: husband trying to recover from porn addiction

Post by AI2.0 »

utahmomma wrote:Jbalm- he says he doesn't do it at work, but he's been looking at it almost daily for several years. He's tried to quit and can't. I define it as an addiction.
Oh yea, no question.....he's addicted.

Have you looked at the church's Addiction recovery program?

http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program

This is a perfect place to start for you as well as for your husband. This is based on the 12 step program and it can bring some relief and best--HOPE, even to those who have loved ones who are addicted. It can be a very isolating problem and there is relief and support in being able to know that others know what you are going through.

I would suggest that you listen to the podcasts, try to encourage him to also, especially if he claims he wants to quit. The truth is, he may not REALLY want to, but listening to the podcasts might at least help him realize this and be honest with himself and you. That is the first step to any recovery.

If you are able, you could attend the meetings in person as well. Even if he is not ready to give up pornography, just listening to the meetings may help him realize the danger this is to his family and his spiritual well-being and might help nudge him in the direction of desiring to change.

And if nothing else, it might help you to be able to cope and have hope.

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