Requesting some input on son leaving for mission and not 100% sexually pure

[tjmama]

I am new to this forum and am hoping I can get some input from someone out there to help me know what to do. I have a son who has been very active his entire life. He loves the church and very much believes in everything about it. He has been looking forward to, and preparing for, his mission his entire life. He serves well and loves everyone. He has lots of friends and enjoys reading his scriptures. He recently received his mission call and will be leaving soon. He is so excited.

My problem is this; He just started dating a non-member girl who is also very religious. She is Christian and has actually gone on 3 missions for her church. She is on a mission now and will be there until right before he leaves for his mission. I know for a fact that they have been risky with regards to sexual promiscuity without actually having sex. My son does not know that I know this. He has admitted to having a small problem controlling himself but nothing big. I know that they have basically done everything there is to do except sex and I don't know how to handle this. I know it needs to be taken care of but I was hoping he would feel guilty and deal with it on his own. I don't know how to get him to understand that this needs to be taken care of before he leaves on his mission without forcing him to do it. We have a new bishop who is not involved with the youth at all like our previous one. He doesn't connect well with people and none of the kids really like him so they don't talk to him. Our past bishop would have dealt with this perfectly as all the youth knew they were loved and could talk to him about anything.

I know he needs to feel the need to take care of it on his own or the repentance process is not real. Any suggestions on what I can do to help move this forward without pushing him away from me and the church? I think maybe he thinks (or is just telling himself) that if they have not had sex then he is OK. He does not leave for 3 months; Is there time before he leaves to get this taken care of and not have to have his mission delayed or is it already past that point? Do I just leave what I know and let him deal with it when he leaves? Will he get sent home or will they take care of it while he is in the MTC? Any sincere comments would be appreciated. Thank you.

[freedomforall]

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[Older/wiser?]

To hope this will just work out won't benefit your son, nor will it allow him to teach a gospel
That is about repentance. If he goes the splinter of immorality will fester and do him more
Harm, know one can tell you how to handle this. IMHO I would pray and fast seeking guidence from our Heavenly Father, He has all the answers and can provide the opportunity
Needed to open this up. I would rather a son not go, than go unworthy or at least delay the timing so he has an understanding of virtue.

[gkearney]

Do you know for certain that this matter has not been addressed already? You need to be 100% sure of that. At some point however you must let him find his own way in such matters as this. I would leave it be.

[Melissa]

If he already has his call then he must have passed his interviews, right? If he chose to lie or rationalize in his head then it will or should eat at him. To a bishop, some acts are still considered essentially the same as having sex. If he is rationalizing then he doesnt have a clear grasp on things and will have to learn still. If he is living at home, why dont you just talk to him? Dont be weird about it or it will make him more uncomfortable. If he is sincere and has things under controll then you should be able to tell. If he has done all that, what about pornography?

Young men should have this figured out before a mission. Or he just might pick up right where he left off when he returns. Sounds like you have a good son who is better than normal and wants to serve. As long as he isint serving just out of an expectation, then he has a good heart and will be okay. If hes going just because its expected, then you may have a problem. It can be hard to tell because parents dont want to see sometimes.

My best advice is to increase the spirit in your home a d teach pure doctrine and let the spirit influence him. If there is something unsettled he will feel it, if there isint then the increase in spirit will only help him prepare better for his mission.

You are his mother, its okay to talk to him and work things out for his benefit -

And maybe, help him understand that he needs to be free from a girlfriend before his mission. Chances are she wont wait anyways. And he may not want a girl like that anyways when he gets back. Shes not a member and by the sound of her strong religious beliefs, she will end up converting him and not the other way around. Men seem to follow the woman. Explain to him how important eternal marriage really is. Its the foundation of heaven. But also expect that he will not have everything figured out or see things exactly like you do. Plus, the youth today have relaxed morals and values and dont see things quite the same. Based on the trends I learn about today, im suprised anyone can be clean and serve a mission growing up in the sespool we call society.

[braingrunt]

He shouldn't go right away. Talk to him.

If you sustain him in things you know you shouldn't then there's sin on you.

ps, encourage him to only seriously date mormon girls. (not that that would have saved him per se)

[ajax]

At some point however you must let him find his own way in such matters as this. I would leave it be.

This.

[Robin Hood]

If this comes to light while he is on his mission (including the MTC) he will in all likelihood be sent home. If he went to see his Bishop now his mission will probably be delayed for a few months (3-6), but it would be better for him in my exoerience.
This happened to a young man in my ward. He came home after 5 months and, despite assurances that he would return to his mission once he was ready, he never went back again.

Perhaps you should tell him what you know.

[rewcox]

He should take care of it now, so he can feel clean on his mission. Not going on a mission is hard, getting sent home is far worse.

If he hasn't reviewed everything with the bishop, he needs to. Now, not later. If his mission is delayed, that is ok. Alma and the sons of Mosiah went around repairing or trying to, the wrongs they had made. They fasted, read scriptures, and committed themselves completely to God. Doing so, they became some of the greatest missionaries on record.

You can't have the spirit if you haven't cleared up serious sin. Missions are hard, if you have guilt, missions are excrutiating. If a person has repented, then they will have the spirit.

Elder Scott would say, "Repent, do it now!" Your son will be glad he did, and so will you.

[iWriteStuff]

I second what rewcox said.

To that point, I have a nephew who spoke to his bishop about some issues with a nonmember girlfriend before leaving on a mission. At the MTC he still felt guilty... went and talked to his priesthood advisers, got escalated all the way to the MTC president, ended up arguing with him, and sent home the next day.

Six months later he went back out again. He's nearing completion of his two year mission, although it will have taken 2.5 years from the first time he stepped into the MTC.

I guess maybe repentance is messy, but better to clean the plate first before trying to eat off it later.

He should take care of it now, so he can feel clean on his mission. Not going on a mission is hard, getting sent home is far worse.

If he hasn't reviewed everything with the bishop, he needs to. Now, not later. If his mission is delayed, that is ok. Alma and the sons of Mosiah went around repairing or trying to, the wrongs they had made. They fasted, read scriptures, and committed themselves completely to God. Doing so, they became some of the greatest missionaries on record.

You can't have the spirit if you haven't cleared up serious sin. Missions are hard, if you have guilt, missions are excrutiating. If a person has repented, then they will have the spirit.

Elder Scott would say, "Repent, do it now!" Your son will be glad he did, and so will you.

[zionminded]

We do a lot in the church to put GUILT and SHAME on kids. Clearly a missionary needs to have their ducks in a row. Id advise him to meet with his bishop and talk about his current behaviors. Seek a professional therapist to work through anything his bishop is not trained in. The reality is that NO missionary is "pure", we all need the grace of Christ and the atonement. The question is what is his intent? Does he want to focus on his mission, or focus on his girlfriend. If his bishop is a good man, he will address it openly, and with love, and bring Christ in, and get him out on his mission. The standards are high, but the most important part for your son is what does he want. Sexual energy can be distracting to a missionary, NOT BECAUSE ITS BAD, but because its distracting, and potentially dangerous if he's involved while teaching other people about the gospel. Judgements against missionaries is very high, so he has to let go of a few things for a while, if he's in the mission field.

[zionminded]

Let me add that much of the guilt and shame is because we teach kids that do act sexually, is dirty. Clear that out, fix the behavior of using sex like giving a child a loaded gun, and teach it from a different perspective.

[Todd]

He should take care of it now, so he can feel clean on his mission...

You can't have the spirit if you haven't cleared up serious sin.

This ^^^

[Matthew.B]

I know for a fact that they have been risky with regards to sexual promiscuity without actually having sex. My son does not know that I know this. He has admitted to having a small problem controlling himself but nothing big. I know that they have basically done everything there is to do except sex and I don't know how to handle this. I know it needs to be taken care of but I was hoping he would feel guilty and deal with it on his own. I don't know how to get him to understand that this needs to be taken care of before he leaves on his mission without forcing him to do it.

My question is, how do you know (without your son knowing you know) that he's done "basically... everything... except sex" and also that he hasn't worked this out already with the bishop? I only ask because, as you mentioned, this is a sensitive issue and you don't want to do something to drive him away from the Church.

In general, I would encourage accepting and loving him for who he is, and don't blame him or yourself. If you make love and respect for the commandments of God your primary goals, you'll figure out how to resolve the issue in the manner that Christ would.

If he just started dating this girl and they've progressed to being sexually connected (even if without intercourse), it shows that he doesn't put as high a premium on chastity as he could and probably should--especially if he's about to serve a mission--and that could cause serious problems. That doesn't mean, in the slightest, that he's bad, but it does mean that it's part of his character that he should understand and know how to deal with it before going on a mission. The mission field can be rife with sexual temptation, and you don't want him going into the mission field inadequately prepared to deal with them. There are too many instances of missionaries sent home early and disfellowshipped/excommunicated for sexual misconduct to take a cavalier attitude towards chastity on a mission.

My $0.2. Good luck with resolving the situation, tjmama! I hope your son finds the Spirit that he's seeking and learns how the Lord wants him to serve.

[Zathura]

I am new to this forum and am hoping I can get some input from someone out there to help me know what to do. I have a son who has been very active his entire life. He loves the church and very much believes in everything about it. He has been looking forward to, and preparing for, his mission his entire life. He serves well and loves everyone. He has lots of friends and enjoys reading his scriptures. He recently received his mission call and will be leaving soon. He is so excited.

My problem is this; He just started dating a non-member girl who is also very religious. She is Christian and has actually gone on 3 missions for her church. She is on a mission now and will be there until right before he leaves for his mission. I know for a fact that they have been risky with regards to sexual promiscuity without actually having sex. My son does not know that I know this. He has admitted to having a small problem controlling himself but nothing big. I know that they have basically done everything there is to do except sex and I don't know how to handle this. I know it needs to be taken care of but I was hoping he would feel guilty and deal with it on his own. I don't know how to get him to understand that this needs to be taken care of before he leaves on his mission without forcing him to do it. We have a new bishop who is not involved with the youth at all like our previous one. He doesn't connect well with people and none of the kids really like him so they don't talk to him. Our past bishop would have dealt with this perfectly as all the youth knew they were loved and could talk to him about anything.

I know he needs to feel the need to take care of it on his own or the repentance process is not real. Any suggestions on what I can do to help move this forward without pushing him away from me and the church? I think maybe he thinks (or is just telling himself) that if they have not had sex then he is OK. He does not leave for 3 months; Is there time before he leaves to get this taken care of and not have to have his mission delayed or is it already past that point? Do I just leave what I know and let him deal with it when he leaves? Will he get sent home or will they take care of it while he is in the MTC? Any sincere comments would be appreciated. Thank you.

Hello friend,

If your son is not yet weighed down by the burden of his sins now, he will eventually be brought low when he is in the MTC, where the Spirit will bring him low. He will either truly repent and be cleansed by the Spirit, or he will acknowledge that he shouldn't be there at the time and head home.
The thing is, he has his agency. If he chooses to do something knowing that he is unclean, he must deal with the consequences.

What is important to understand is that many missionaries are not 100% pure and ready for the MTC. Sin is sin. Sexual sin is always looked at as being the worst, but honestly, sin is sin, and impure is impure. A Missionary who hasn't necessarily had any large transgressions but who hasn't truly diligently sought God and obtained power from on high and been cleansed isn't any more ready to serve a mission than your son.

I have some scriptures/books that I would love to suggest you read, and possibly him if you'd like. Just let me know.

All you can do is exactly what Alma did for his son in Mosiah 27. The Angel told Alma the Younger that his father had prayed with much faith for him. When we become truly humble and engage in MIGHTY PRAYER, The Lord will hear us and answer us.

I wish you the best.

P.S. The least of your concerns is who he is dating. If he truly comes unto God and has experiences with him, he will know what to do in regards to his dating life. That will resolve itself.

[LDS Physician]

There is excellent advice above. As a bishop, I would suggest a heart-to-heart with your son, however uncomfortable, with the goal of assuring he has brought these transgressions up with his bishop or stake president. He may have done so and if that is the case, great! If not, I would strongly encourage him to do so as soon as possible. If you're right, it will likely delay his entrance into the MTC, but perhaps not: it's really up to the bishop/stake president. One thing is for sure, he shouldn't enter the MTC without having dealt with these transgressions. As others have said, the Spirit will rapidly work with the missionary to repent and clean up his past, even at the expense of returning home early, which would likely be the result. Bless you! This is a difficult to do as a parent, but he will thank you.

[A Random Phrase]

At some point however you must let him find his own way in such matters as this. I would leave it be.

This.

This. ^

My question is, how do you know (without your son knowing you know) that he's done "basically... everything... except sex" and also that he hasn't worked this out already with the bishop?

And this. ^

How do you know for 100% fact that your suppositions are true? Did you watch them? Did someone watch them then report it to you? Did you hear him tell someone that he had done these things? If there is the slightest chance you could be wrong (that he did this and/or that he has not said anything to the bishop about it), it is best to err on the side of mercy, on the side of trusting your son.

He is his own agent. He is over the age of accountability. He also ought to be a legal adult. If he has done something wrong, let him accept the consequences as they unfold. It is better that he should learn through his own experiences than to have someone tattle on him and cause a rift. And what if your suppositions are wrong? Then you, possibly, will have caused a divide between yourself and your son. He will learn that he cannot trust you.

[Mark]

There is excellent advice above. As a bishop, I would suggest a heart-to-heart with your son, however uncomfortable, with the goal of assuring he has brought these transgressions up with his bishop or stake president. He may have done so and if that is the case, great! If not, I would strongly encourage him to do so as soon as possible. If you're right, it will likely delay his entrance into the MTC, but perhaps not: it's really up to the bishop/stake president. One thing is for sure, he shouldn't enter the MTC without having dealt with these transgressions. As others have said, the Spirit will rapidly work with the missionary to repent and clean up his past, even at the expense of returning home early, which would likely be the result. Bless you! This is a difficult to do as a parent, but he will thank you.

Thank you Bishop. Its called being a parent. There is a stewardship right and responsibility to bring up your children in light and truth. That includes counseling them in a spirit of love and directness to make themselves clean and worthy before the Lord before becoming one of His Ambassadors and preaching His gospel. If that means encouraging proper steps of repentance and accepting responsibility for his actions then so be it. Your child needs you to step up to the plate and be His parent. Not his buddy.. His parent. As uncomfortable as that may be at times. It is your duty to do everything you can to help him see the importance of making things right with the Lord before taking this next step in his spiritual journey. Our Heavenly parents would do the same for each of us. They expect the same of us as earthly parents to their precious spirit children. Don't fear. "Perfect love casteth out all fear."

[butterfly]

I've noticed that often our Heavenly Parents wait til we come to them for help.

You could assure your son that you're available if he ever wants to talk. You could also remind him that if he were to choose not to go on a mission, you'd love him just the same and would still support his decision.
If he's feeling too much pressure to go, he may be reluctant to repent for fear that his call may be delayed or denied.
As others stated, he may have already fully repented and that's why he's not coming to you about it.

[freedomforall]

Doctrine and Covenants 121:45
45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

TG Chastity; Modesty; Virtue.

A of F 1:13
We believe in being honest, true, chaste.

Chastity, Chaste
He that hath clean hands, and a pure heart.

Isa. 52:11; D&C 38:42
be ye clean, that bear the vessels of the Lord.

Matt. 5:8
Blessed are the pure in heart.

1 Cor. 6:19
body is the temple of the Holy Ghost.

2 Cor. 7:1
cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh.

Gal. 5:16
Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh.

1 Tim. 4:12
be thou an example of the believers … in purity.

Titus 2:5
be discreet, chaste.

James 1:27
keep himself unspotted from the world.

1 Jn. 3:3
man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself.

1 Ne. 10:21; Moses 6:55–57
no unclean thing can dwell with God.

Alma 7:21
he doth not dwell in unholy temples.

Morm. 9:28
ask … that ye will yield to no temptation.

Moro. 9:9
precious above all things, which is chastity.

D&C 4:6
Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance.

D&C 46:33
practice virtue and holiness before me.

D&C 88:40
virtue loveth virtue.

D&C 88:86
entangle not yourselves in sin, but let your hands be clean.

2 Pet. 1:5
add to your faith virtue and to virtue knowledge.

D&C 38:24; D&C 46:33
practice virtue and holiness before me.

Should he not only learn scripture, but practice it before trying to teach it. No?

[Wolverine]

There is excellent advice above. As a bishop, I would suggest a heart-to-heart with your son, however uncomfortable, with the goal of assuring he has brought these transgressions up with his bishop or stake president. He may have done so and if that is the case, great! If not, I would strongly encourage him to do so as soon as possible. If you're right, it will likely delay his entrance into the MTC, but perhaps not: it's really up to the bishop/stake president. One thing is for sure, he shouldn't enter the MTC without having dealt with these transgressions. As others have said, the Spirit will rapidly work with the missionary to repent and clean up his past, even at the expense of returning home early, which would likely be the result. Bless you! This is a difficult to do as a parent, but he will thank you.

Thank you Bishop. Its called being a parent. There is a stewardship right and responsibility to bring up your children in light and truth. That includes counseling them in a spirit of love and directness to make themselves clean and worthy before the Lord before becoming one of His Ambassadors and preaching His gospel. If that means encouraging proper steps of repentance and accepting responsibility for his actions then so be it. Your child needs you to step up to the plate and be His parent. Not his buddy.. His parent. As uncomfortable as that may be at times. It is your duty to do everything you can to help him see the importance of making things right with the Lord before taking this next step in his spiritual journey. Our Heavenly parents would do the same for each of us. They expect the same of us as earthly parents to their precious spirit children. Don't fear. "Perfect love casteth out all fear."

If you know the seriousness of his sins you are obligated to "push" him towards repentance and that means confession to a proper priesthood authority. Should he go through the temple and make sacred covenants while not being worthy, he is only reaping condemnation upon himself. Likewise you too can be held accountable for letting him go through the temple unworthily. Should he keep it to himself and then disclose while on his mission he will be sent home early.

[Jesef]

If I were you I would do what I could to help his conscience, always with love, but let him choose (don't coerce). Spiritual Repentance doesn't work if it doesn't come from the agent/individual soul. Let their light/conscience bring them to the right course in their own time. Everything is recoverable/redeemable. Agency is the prime directive down here.

[freedomforall]

Or one could read scriptures and see what they say about sin and repentance, having shame and guilt or a clear conscience while serving God. However, repentance is only effective when a person is sincere, having real intent and full purpose of heart.

Moroni 6:8
8 But as oft as they repented and sought forgiveness, with real intent, they were forgiven.

Moroni 7:6
6 For behold, God hath said a man being evil cannot do that which is good; for if he offereth a gift, or prayeth unto God, except he shall do it with real intent it profiteth him nothing.

Moroni 7:9
9 And likewise also is it counted evil unto a man, if he shall pray and not with real intent of heart; yea, and it profiteth him nothing, for God receiveth none such.

James 5:16
16 Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

Sincere, Sincerity
according to the integrity of his heart: Ps. 78:72 .
testimony of our conscience, that in simplicity and godly sincerity: 2 Cor. 1:12 .
prove the sincerity of your love: 2 Cor. 8:8 .
love our Lord Jesus Christ in sincerity: Eph. 6:24 .
that ye may be sincere and without offence: Philip. 1:10 .
in doctrine shewing … sincerity: Titus 2:7 .
ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you: Mosiah 4:10 .
interposition … because of their sincere repentance: Mosiah 29:19 .
thou didst hear me because of … my sincerity: Alma 33:11 .
in the sincerity of their hearts, call upon his holy name: Hel. 3:27 .
except he shall do it with real intent: Moro. 7:6 . ( Moro. 6:8 ; Moro. 7:9 ; 2 Ne. 31:13 . )
ask with a sincere heart, with real intent: Moro. 10:4 .
humble himself … in the sincerity of his heart: D&C 5:24 .

[gkearney]

At the risk of hijacking this thread let me pose a different, but somewhat related question.

Let's say we have a young couple who engage in sex before marriage, I'm not going into some grey area of anything else they might have done. here.

This is common enough and we should not suppose that it does not happen. They tell no one of it, ever. Perhaps they go on to serve missions, marry, either each other or others in the temple and go on to live otherwise exemplitory lives of full and faithful activity in the church.

So now my question is there ever a time when they would not be expected to go to a bishop and clear this matter up? In effect is there a sort of "statute of limitations" in these matters? If not just how do you handle confession of such a thing 30, 40, or 50 years after the fact? Is the sealing valid? Do they need to go to the temple and have it redone, if so after how long a wait? Is it wise to even bring up the matter to the non-involved spouse decades later?

Now this may sound hypothetical but I suspect it is far, far more common than not. Your opinions please.

[JohnnyL]

I had two companions who went home; one might have had a few sexual problems, the other had sexual problems for sure, which although he might have confessed, never truly repented of (like you're saying about your son).

Three missionaries (that I knew of) were excommunicated in our mission for fornication/ adultery, one being with a branch president's wife; I'm pretty sure that missionaries were pulled from that city for a while, hurting everyone. Did those missionaries have problems before?

One missionary in our group was sent home from the MTC when his girlfriend and bishop called and said she was pregnant. Not sure how he ever got there, and lasted there that long, other than straight out lying, or justifying. Seemed like a great guy... No, the Spirit did not force him one way or the other. In the MTC, missionaries are asked point blank many times if there are any sins, especially sexual ones, that have not been cleared up.

Sexual sins can be VERY easy to justify. so I wouldn't rely on the Spirit, his bishop, or anything else.

I have no idea what you need to do, but: talk to him. Explain your situation and role as a mother, and then point blank, ask him with clear, direct, detailed questions. That's what our bishop did, and that's what most bishops will do to understand the extent and how to deal with it, etc.