Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

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Strawberry
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Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Strawberry »

Hi everyone,
I lost my appetite and can't focus on what I was planning to do tonight. My 12 year old boy (and oldest boy) was studying in the office with the door closed and the computer on - he told me (and I saw several times) he was listening to music - piano guys, how to train your dragon....

He's been struggling with his studies and been having trouble focusing on anything (I don't know if that's just him, or part of being a young boy?).

I walked in on him and caught him watching a porn movie. My husband checked the history and he had watched about 10 porn movies - My husband's checked the history before (he's only been there a few times with the door shut) and seen nothing so we have reason to believe this is the first time and he must have seen an alluring video advertisement as often pops up on the side bar of YouTube.

This is very much my fault - I was nieve in allowing him and trusting him to be in there alone with the computer on. Beating myself up won't help though. I'm afraid to tell anyone in my ward or family - I simply don't know what to do. I don't know how long this has been going on - I've only allowed him to be in there just a few times. He's been very fascinated with his male parts these past few months too, since he turned 12. Again, I just thought that was normal.

Is there some kind of church program for youth addicted to porn? I wonder if he's addicted? I'm fearful this is the reason he hasn't been focusing or doing well in school - he did well last year.

Have any of you experienced this with your young boy? What did you do?

He ran from me and locked himself in his room - with the light off. No worries, he has no electronics in there.

Please help me, my heart is breaking and I am 100% clueless on this one.

With sincere thanks
Strawberry

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Ruby
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Ruby »

He's not addicted if this is his first time. Talk to him. He's confused and scared. Just love him. He knows he messed up. He's probably relieved to be caught. Telling other people will embarrass him. Set up some rules to help him and monitor his computer time. Keep communication open both ways.
I obviously don't know your boy, just my opinion.
:ymhug: :ymhug: Big hugs to you and your son!

kathedralegs
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

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I have PM'd you.

boo
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by boo »

Sounds like a normal teen boy to me . When I was bishop for 9 years the question the question my SP told me to always asked was when was the last time you masturbated and when was the last time you looked at porn? Never ask do you? Because they ALL do. Every single one . He was correct. If they say no they are lying to you. Get use to it. All your sons younger brothers will too. All of your sons peers will too. Your husband and father did too and they aren't serial killers are they? I have been Young Mens President for 5 years and scoutmaster twice totaling 5 years .I have 2 sons of my own. Don't rely on me as an expert but I do have several decades of experience trying to help LDS boys on this issue.Keep them involved in other things and wear them out physically. My limited experience is that kids who are by themselves a lot with no peers around are somewhat more likely to have more serious problems that others that are more involved with after school activities etc . Home schooled boys are the worst. Your husband should sit down and discuss this regularly i.e. weekly or certainly monthly with your sons .The discussions should be open honest and not particularly judgmental . The best thing I did with my own sons was to talk openly and frankly about it and why they are fascinated by sex and how to deal with their normal constant preoccupation with it . Do you know the typical teen boy is as strongly sexually aroused 7 times a day as a woman is at anytime in the course of a month. Incidentally no 12 year old will ever be happy about talking to their Mom about sex . The more open you are about sexual issues the better chance your boys have to deal successfully with it. Did you regularly talk to him about sexual desires ,masturbation and porn in a loving way before puberty ? If not you are way behind. The bigger deal you make of it the stronger the guilt is followed by self loathing ,followed by serious self hate.
if you let me him think he has broken your heart because of the terrible thing he has done you can seriously damage him. Put your arm around him ,tell him you love him and that while he shouldn't be succumbing to temptation the temptation is normal and you and your husband are there to help him .Read the book ' A Fine Young Man ' if you have boys , It has great insights into this and a bunch of other subjects. Don't let the bishop keep him from passing the sacrament . If that happens he will feel unworthy and ostracized and very soon he will refuse to go to church. Good luck but remember it is not only not the end of the world it is a thing that your son will need you to be most understanding and loving about. God bless you
Last edited by boo on November 1st, 2014, 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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jdawg1012
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by jdawg1012 »

First of all, I don't think you made a major mistake. Second of all, I don't think your son has a "porn addiction" (I'll spare the debate, but even the IDEA of an addiction to porn isn't agreed upon in science), so please don't try to enroll him in any church program until you've exhausted everything else. Don't swing sledgehammers at spiders.

Now that I've said that, I think I can get down to the nitty gritty. I take it that this is your oldest son? I've raised three and two daughters, and have about 40 nieces and nephews. Pornography is something that virtually every boy/man (and most girls/women) looks at in his life. It's virtually inevitable. Masturbation likewise is virtually inevitable, even Kimball said so, don't waste your time trying to make him feel bad. Instead focus your time on helping him feel loved, accepted, and to focus his energies into something else. A talk with him about being chaste until marriage is a good idea, but DON'T brow-beat him for masturbating. Babies in the womb do it. Toddlers do it. Kids do it, and adults do it. It's hasn't always been preached as sin by priesthood leaders, but that's another story. The bottom line is that your brain CANNOT think in "nots" as in "Do not do this, or do NOT do that." Instead focus on "do's," and let the "Don'ts" work themselves out. Be constructive with them, because insulting or otherwise deriding them WILL NOT STOP sexual urges. In fact you'll either intensify the sex drive and drive the urges to be fulfilled in hiding, or intensify the urges and drive the urges to be acted out. But attacking sexuality doesn't work. Take my word for it. You have to encourage something else, as better, rather than deny someone's feelings or insult them.

Pornography, however is a different subject from masturbation. Viewing people naked, and the curiosity that comes with it, is normal and healthy. It's also not sinful. Pornography isn't merely nudity, however, by the church's definition, it's images or descriptions (like novels), intended to arouse sexual desire. The main two drivers for pornography viewing are anger/frustration and boredom. Keep him busy, and burning off energy, and he's less likely to seek pornography.

Perhaps your boy is just curious. Have you sat down and discussed sex with your son? Have you shown him an anatomy book and explained male and female anatomy with him? I suggest you do it. He's going to be curious. Whether you talk to him or not, he's going to see it, intentionally or unintentionally. So it's best that one of his parents (preferably a father that's emotionally invested in him) be the one that breaks it to him.

In the 40's, virtually every kid in my dad's little Mormon community was playing doctor. I don't care what you think your kid is shielded from, they're not going to be forever. Two of my sons were viewing it with a bunch of others kids at their friends' house, who incidentally were the bishop's kids. Half the neighborhood, it seems, was there sometimes, but luckily we had a good enough relationship with our sons, that they told us what was going on, and we extricated them from those influences. We tried to bring it up with the kid's parents, but like so many LDS Bishops, they believed their little angels couldn't possibly be doing something wrong. Anyway. It's THAT prevalent, even a tthe Bishop's house. It's simply unavoidable that they'll be exposed at some point, and naturally be curious.
Have any of you experienced this with your young boy? What did you do?

He ran from me and locked himself in his room - with the light off. No worries, he has no electronics in there.
I have experienced it with our children. Boy's aren't the only ones that are going to do it, by the way. What we did was become more engaged in our children's lives. We already were, but I started being more and more a best friend to my sons, and more of a male role model for my daughters to see. I didn't hide the truth from them, and answered questions honestly (as my father did for me). No question was too awkward for my dad, and I in turn, adopted that rule. If they're curious, they WILL find out. It's best that a responsible adult (You/Your Spouse) teaches them on your terms, rather than a search engine's unfiltered results. Besides, sometimes, if you give them a forensic response to their question, their interest will subside, and many other times, the embarrassment will keep them from delving too deeply. Always keep it age appropriate, and try not to scintillate their curiosities. Just be honest, and technical, I've found they didn't ask anything obscene, they just wanted to understand their feelings and urges. As a parent, I'm sure you'll know where to draw lines.

We did not give any of our children unsupervised access to any electronic devices, if they used the computer, one of us was in the room with them. So I cannot relate to that exact predicament.

I'm not going to berate you as a parent, but if you became emotionally unhinged, he would of course go to his room, and lock you out. (Our doors did not have locks on them in our house, so locking someone out was NEVER an option). Now, I don't know if you did, but I can imagine if you were very upset, it's easy to blow it out of proportion, or at least get worked up into a frenzy over something that's really not that far gone. I never berated our children for masturbating, I did, however explain the physiological results (dim thinking, lethargy, as well as stress release, dopamine release, etc.), and explain that desensitizing themselves could negatively affect their future marriages. Then I didn't micromanage them. I'd allot them a certain time for showers, but other than that, I let them choose what to do. You cannot watch them around the clock. It's impossible. And they don't need any special tools or whatever, so its a futile effort to control them. Children, toddlers, babies, and adults explore themselves. If you're worried about that, just know you can't do a darned thing about it. Pornography, however, you can limit by not allowing unfettered access to the internet, but just know if they choose to, they'll find it somewhere.

So in summary, I'd just say, don't shame your children, but try and guide them to make good choices. If you shame them over natural instincts to learn about themselves now, they'll be like the countless sexually dysfunctional Mormon adults. There was an entire article about ON KSL (the Utah TV News station), months back, with hundreds of comments mostly by men who's wives viewed sex as evil, and who were perpetually sexually frustrated.

Take my word for it, don't do that to your kid. Just put things in proper context, and lead by example. And don't worry to much, kids have been playing "doctor" behind the schoolhouse, woodshed, and haystack since time immemorial. Just focus on a good and decent relationship, and constructive ways to vent pent up energy. Don't brow beat yourself either. I'm sure you're doing a fine job. Just take it one breath at a time, Strawberry, you've got this!

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jdawg1012
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by jdawg1012 »

boo wrote:Sounds like a normal teen boy to me . When I was bishop for 9 years the question i always asked was when was the last time you masturbated and when was the last time you looked at porn? Never do you. Because they ALL do. Every single one . If they say no they are lying to you. Get use to it. All your sons younger brothers will too. All of your sons peers will too. Your husband and father did too and they aren't serial killers are they? I have been Young Mens President for 5 years and scoutmaster twice totaling 5 years .I have 2 sons of my own.Keep them involved in other things and wear them out physically. My limited experience is that kids who are by themselves a lot with no peers around are somewhat more likely to have more serious problems that others that are more involved with after school activities etc . Home schooled boys are the worst. Your husband should sit down and discuss this regularly i.e. weekly or certainly monthly with your sons .The discussions should be open honest and not particularly judgmental . The best thing I did with my own sons was to talk openly and frankly about it and why they are fascinated by sex and how to deal with their normal constant preoccupation with it . Do you know the typical teen boy is as strongly sexually aroused 7 times a day as a woman is at anytime in the course of a month. Incidentally no 12 year old will ever be happy about talking to their Mom about sex . The more open you are about sexual issues the better chance your boys have to deal successfully with it. Did you regularly talk to him about sexual desires ,masturbation and porn in a loving way before puberty ? If not you are way behind. The bigger deal you make of it the stronger the guilt is followed by self loathing ,followed by serious self hate.
if you let me him think he has broken your heart because of the terrible thing he has done you can seriously damage him.
Put your arm around him ,tell him you love him and that while he shouldn't be succumbing to temptation the temptation is normal and you and your husband are there to help him .Read the book ' A Fine Young Man ' if you have boys , It has great insights into this and a bunch of other subjects. Don't let the bishop keep him from passing the sacrament . If that happens he will feel unworthy and ostracized and very soon he will refuse to go to church. Good luck but remember it is not only not the end of the world it is a thing that your son will need you to be most understanding and loving about. God bless you
You beat me to it, because my post was so lengthy, but you are spot on. If I could give you 1,000 thumbs up I would. Everything you said was true, or at least true in spirit. I highlighted the best parts, to me, in colored emphasis. An excellent post, and I had the honor of echoing most of what you said. Thank you very much!

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Original_Intent
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Original_Intent »

One thing I would add is that if you assume this was the first time because your husband has been checking the history - cleaning up history on a computer is something pretty much an 12 year old could do. Also, the latest operating systems have "In Private" browsing which does not create cookies or history. For all intents and purposes, when the browser window closes "it never happened".

There is pretty much no way to tell if he was using Private browsing, but if he wasn't, checking the cookies will give you a better idea of how much this has been going on. If you go thru the cookies and see lots of sex/nudity/porn related stuff, you'll know its been going on for a while.

At any rate, like others have said, I wouldn't make too much of it. Love him and talk with him. Get ALL the computers in a non-private part of your house.

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brlenox
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by brlenox »

Strawberry wrote:Hi everyone,
I lost my appetite and can't focus on what I was planning to do tonight. My 12 year old boy (and oldest boy) was studying in the office with the door closed and the computer on - he told me (and I saw several times) he was listening to music - piano guys, how to train your dragon....

He's been struggling with his studies and been having trouble focusing on anything (I don't know if that's just him, or part of being a young boy?).

I walked in on him and caught him watching a porn movie. My husband checked the history and he had watched about 10 porn movies - My husband's checked the history before (he's only been there a few times with the door shut) and seen nothing so we have reason to believe this is the first time and he must have seen an alluring video advertisement as often pops up on the side bar of YouTube.

This is very much my fault - I was nieve in allowing him and trusting him to be in there alone with the computer on. Beating myself up won't help though. I'm afraid to tell anyone in my ward or family - I simply don't know what to do. I don't know how long this has been going on - I've only allowed him to be in there just a few times. He's been very fascinated with his male parts these past few months too, since he turned 12. Again, I just thought that was normal.

Is there some kind of church program for youth addicted to porn? I wonder if he's addicted? I'm fearful this is the reason he hasn't been focusing or doing well in school - he did well last year.

Have any of you experienced this with your young boy? What did you do?

He ran from me and locked himself in his room - with the light off. No worries, he has no electronics in there.

Please help me, my heart is breaking and I am 100% clueless on this one.

With sincere thanks
Strawberry
As a Bishop and as a Father of 4 boys I have addressed this issue. IT is not your fault ... it is your inspiration that the Lord has provided that has put you in position to prevent further issues. The Lord is aware and has given you a heads up call to bring you into the intervention picture. This is not fault, it is a blessing. My own means of addressing such is that the first incidences which go undiscovered but are found represent gaining knowledge of Good and Evil. You are here. This is what this estate is for is to grow to understand these things.

At this point all have responded to a gentle conversation, teaching gospel principles, following up with careful instruction that is designed to take advantage of the extreme embarrassment that your son feels having been caught in this fashion. The only issue that causes me concern is typically the spirit has warned me at the point they were beginning to explore...just a few pictures or breast exposure etc. If I had found evidence of actual video exposure, I might be seeking to find out if someone else may have been involved in fast tracking his education to that extreme level.

If there is a second time, which only occurred once with my own the conversation remains noncaustic but stronger. Perhaps greater restrictions until they gain regain privileges.

A third time in short successions is beginning to become choice and addiction. These become much more serious and much greater interventions are needed and significant effort at discovery of friends who may be permitting use of terminals outside the home may be in order.

In most cases of first discovery, the complete an total embarrassment has been generally enough with my own. IT is s different matter for these issues as a bishop generally as there is often much more going on in the family than just teenage exploration. However, if you get to the point that a Bishop is involved he will conduct this on a case by case basis.

One other point, it sounds as if your husband has some computer skills. More important than any blocker is someone who knows how to navigate a computer to research the files that most are not aware of that are stored on a computer.

If your son ran and locked himself in his room, I'm going to be candid, something’s have already been said and the venue not prepared adequately for that first conversation which is the crucial conversation. Frankly, this topic of conversation is often, not always but often best left to the husband, if he can remain calm and reflective and considerate of his own childhood interests. just a few thoughts...

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

strawberry - excellent advice from boo and jdawg. a couple of more points I would add. I'm a big fan of resolving family issues / child issues in the family / with the child. I wouldn't involve the church and / or bishop in this at all. it's really none of your bishops business. this is a parent child issue, and not even close to the most traumatic thing you'll experience raising 5 kids. toughen up, or you're going to be shocked and heartbroken a lot in the coming years.
Finally, love is far more effective than punishment or shame in helping your son figure out how to deal with his body and urges.

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brlenox
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by brlenox »

Obrien wrote:strawberry - excellent advice from boo and jdawg. a couple of more points I would add. I'm a big fan of resolving family issues / child issues in the family / with the child. I wouldn't involve the church and / or bishop in this at all. it's really none of your bishops business. this is a parent child issue, and not even close to the most traumatic thing you'll experience raising 5 kids. toughen up, or you're going to be shocked and heartbroken a lot in the coming years.
Finally, love is far more effective than punishment or shame in helping your son figure out how to deal with his body and urges.

While I am sure that Obrien has your best interest at heart, if you determine that the bishop is a tool that teaches your son repentance and further reinforces what you are trying to teach then by all means you should avail yourself of his insight in the matter. The "none of his business mentality" is a bias that indicates this point represents an issue upon which Obrien cannot see clearly for a history of angst from some other probably unrelated interactions. Where you are at this time is not one that should yield to an unholy bias. Strengthen your child in what manner you see best.

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

hey Mr wolf in sheep - of course it's I that have a bias. a bias to deal with family issues in the family. YOU certainly have no bias... being a proud judge in Israel. I have had good bishops over the years. I have no angst about bishops. you don't have any basis for making your misguided assumptions about my perceptions of bishops.

I see scriptures where PARENTS are commanded to teach their CHILDREN, and CHILDREN are commanded to obey their PARENTS. I don't see where parents should try to push off their responsibilities on a 3rd party. perhaps you should humble yourself and quit trying to artificially inflate the importance of being a bishop. :-bd
Last edited by Obrien on November 2nd, 2014, 12:17 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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FoxMammaWisdom
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by FoxMammaWisdom »

brlenox wrote:
Obrien wrote:strawberry - excellent advice from boo and jdawg. a couple of more points I would add. I'm a big fan of resolving family issues / child issues in the family / with the child. I wouldn't involve the church and / or bishop in this at all. it's really none of your bishops business. this is a parent child issue, and not even close to the most traumatic thing you'll experience raising 5 kids. toughen up, or you're going to be shocked and heartbroken a lot in the coming years.
Finally, love is far more effective than punishment or shame in helping your son figure out how to deal with his body and urges.

While I am sure that Obrien has your best interest at heart, if you determine that the bishop is a tool that teaches your son repentance and further reinforces what you are trying to teach then by all means you should avail yourself of his insight in the matter. The "none of his business mentality" is a bias that indicates this point represents an issue upon which Obrien cannot see clearly for a history of angst from some other probably unrelated interactions. Where you are at this time is not one that should yield to an unholy bias. Strengthen your child in what manner you see best.
A bishop has no business here. God gave this kid PARENTS for a reason. A bishop is an administrative position. This kid does not need "authority".

Strawberry, LOVE your son. Treat him no differently that if he had a problem eating too much sugar. He needs LOVE, not condemnation and judgment. And don't get angry if he does it again. He will. Just love him and teach him what will bring him happiness. And love him while he works through this hell of a world, to figure it out for himself. :)

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FoxMammaWisdom
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by FoxMammaWisdom »

boo wrote:Sounds like a normal teen boy to me . When I was bishop for 9 years the question the question my SP told me to always asked was when was the last time you masturbated and when was the last time you looked at porn? Never ask do you? Because they ALL do. Every single one . He was correct. If they say no they are lying to you. Get use to it. All your sons younger brothers will too. All of your sons peers will too. Your husband and father did too and they aren't serial killers are they? I have been Young Mens President for 5 years and scoutmaster twice totaling 5 years .I have 2 sons of my own. Don't rely on me as an expert but I do have several decades of experience trying to help LDS boys on this issue.Keep them involved in other things and wear them out physically. My limited experience is that kids who are by themselves a lot with no peers around are somewhat more likely to have more serious problems that others that are more involved with after school activities etc . Home schooled boys are the worst. Your husband should sit down and discuss this regularly i.e. weekly or certainly monthly with your sons .The discussions should be open honest and not particularly judgmental . The best thing I did with my own sons was to talk openly and frankly about it and why they are fascinated by sex and how to deal with their normal constant preoccupation with it . Do you know the typical teen boy is as strongly sexually aroused 7 times a day as a woman is at anytime in the course of a month. Incidentally no 12 year old will ever be happy about talking to their Mom about sex . The more open you are about sexual issues the better chance your boys have to deal successfully with it. Did you regularly talk to him about sexual desires ,masturbation and porn in a loving way before puberty ? If not you are way behind. The bigger deal you make of it the stronger the guilt is followed by self loathing ,followed by serious self hate.
if you let me him think he has broken your heart because of the terrible thing he has done you can seriously damage him. Put your arm around him ,tell him you love him and that while he shouldn't be succumbing to temptation the temptation is normal and you and your husband are there to help him .Read the book ' A Fine Young Man ' if you have boys , It has great insights into this and a bunch of other subjects. Don't let the bishop keep him from passing the sacrament . If that happens he will feel unworthy and ostracized and very soon he will refuse to go to church. Good luck but remember it is not only not the end of the world it is a thing that your son will need you to be most understanding and loving about. God bless you
Post of the year.

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Strawberry
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Strawberry »

Thank you all. You confirmed what my gut was telling me - just love him, pray to God and ask Him how to proceed.

Finding him like that shocked me so yes, I should have not made a big deal about it. I went to his room, gave him a hug, told him I love him and sent him back up to complete his studies....... in a different room with no computer ;) This being my first adolescent boy I have a lot to learn - I've been a little hypersensitive lately not only because I have friends whose marriages have been destroyed due to their husbands porno addictions, but also because in our quite little dead end, middle class neighborhood we've had interesting neighbors =)) A few years ago there was a brother house just two doors down, and a couple of months ago a neighbor just 3 doors down (former NY Yankees minor league player - HUGE guy, father, husband) was taken down and hauled off on $250,000 bail for the crime of rape. I want him to choose the right - to fulfill his divine mission and to have great joy. Of course, I have to allow him to be human and have his agency :ymsigh: Little children are so much easier #:-s

I have to focus on the good that my son is - and there is SO much good in him. Boo - we'll read the book you suggested. Thank you so much for that recommendation - sounds like what I was looking for. I'll invite my husband to talk to him again - and to read this thread. As I said, on this topic we are pretty lost.

SO blessed to be a part of this forum. Thank you again!

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

see strawberry ^^^, you're already smiling and rolling on the floor laughing and praying for help to know what to do with your son. good signs. your son isn't the only one learning things from this little episode ;).

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brlenox
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by brlenox »

Obrien wrote:hey Mr wolf in sheep - if course it's I that have a bias. a bias to deal with family issues in the family. YOU certainly have no bias... being a proud judge in Israel. I have had good bishops over the years. I have no angst about bishops. you don't have any basis for making your misguided assumptions about my perceptions of bishops.

I see scriptures where PARENTS are commanded to teach their CHILDREN, and CHILDREN are commanded to obey their PARENTS. I don't see where parents should try to push off their responsibilities on a 3rd party. perhaps you should humble yourself and quit trying to artificially inflate the importance of being a bishop. :-bd
You've had to of been there perhaps to understand the value of a Bishop. I suspect that you have not.

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

you are correct, sir. I've not been in either side of the bishop's desk. I don't feel that I need a bishop between me and anyone, be it kids, spouse, neighbor or the Savoir. to me, it's a sad commentary on the state of Mormanity that people "need" bishops so much, especially in the realm of transgression / confession / forgiveness.

jdtech
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by jdtech »

Looks like you are already heeding the advice of boo and jdawg - sound advice.

At some point in the not too distant past I had created a power-point to discuss this very thing. The gist of it was to share information on how to protect your children from accidental exposure to undesired content. Along with this there needs to already exist:

Open and Honest communication (in this case specifically about sex and what your son is going through)
A Christ Centered / Gospel Centric home environment.

The presentation goes into some of the technology details that will actually help prevent accidental exposure, giving you 4 different common options. There is a caution in there though...there is no technology that will prevent a person who is actively seeking this stuff out from finding what they want. It might (and only might) slow them down, but will not prevent someone who wants to find it...and there is no way to really police that kind of situation. With the technology helps you might be notified of stuff happening...use it to do just as you have done...as a means to practice the first two points of having open communication and practicing Christ-like love.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0Bzvelt ... sp=sharing" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

We use OpenDNS (free) in our home for internet filtering. That is something that you can setup quickly and simply start using. Then consider if you want any additional or different types of protection. Please feel free to ask questions about the specific types of technology that you might want to use. I believe if you're willing to spend a bit of money that "Pandora's Hope" also known as "Clean Filter" will provide exactly what you might need.

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Rose Garden
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Rose Garden »

Nothing to add. Lots of good advice. But here's a few hugs to pull you through.
:ymhug: :ymhug: :ymhug:

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FoxMammaWisdom
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Location: I think and I know things.

Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by FoxMammaWisdom »

brlenox wrote:
Obrien wrote:hey Mr wolf in sheep - if course it's I that have a bias. a bias to deal with family issues in the family. YOU certainly have no bias... being a proud judge in Israel. I have had good bishops over the years. I have no angst about bishops. you don't have any basis for making your misguided assumptions about my perceptions of bishops.

I see scriptures where PARENTS are commanded to teach their CHILDREN, and CHILDREN are commanded to obey their PARENTS. I don't see where parents should try to push off their responsibilities on a 3rd party. perhaps you should humble yourself and quit trying to artificially inflate the importance of being a bishop. :-bd
You've had to of been there perhaps to understand the value of a Bishop. I suspect that you have not.
Boo was a bishop. Re-read his post.

Strawberry, I'm happy that you are feeling better about it all today, and feel like you have some direction now.

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ajax
Level 34 Illuminated
Posts: 7988
Location: Pf, Texas

Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by ajax »

Some good advice here. Coming down on him hard or throwing him to 3rd party counseling is NOT the way to go.

So he's curious about sex. Big deal. Aren't we all? He's normal. What he needs now is mature parents who I suppose regularly have sex to talk to him about it in an educational and non-judgemental way.

Do you cover his eyes if he watches the nature channel? ;)

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jbalm
The Third Comforter
Posts: 5348

Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by jbalm »

If it wasn't gay porn, then just be happy he's normal.

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Obrien
Up, up and away.
Posts: 4951

Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

the pbs show nature has presented several opportunities for "the talk" with my 11 yr old.

+1 to jbalm (I think #:-s )

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brlenox
A sheep in wolf in sheep's clothing
Posts: 2615

Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by brlenox »

Jules wrote:
brlenox wrote:
Obrien wrote:hey Mr wolf in sheep - if course it's I that have a bias. a bias to deal with family issues in the family. YOU certainly have no bias... being a proud judge in Israel. I have had good bishops over the years. I have no angst about bishops. you don't have any basis for making your misguided assumptions about my perceptions of bishops.

I see scriptures where PARENTS are commanded to teach their CHILDREN, and CHILDREN are commanded to obey their PARENTS. I don't see where parents should try to push off their responsibilities on a 3rd party. perhaps you should humble yourself and quit trying to artificially inflate the importance of being a bishop. :-bd
You've had to of been there perhaps to understand the value of a Bishop. I suspect that you have not.
Boo was a bishop. Re-read his post.

Strawberry, I'm happy that you are feeling better about it all today, and feel like you have some direction now.

Obrien was not... re-read his post. Or at least he makes no claim nor does he sound like one.

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Obrien
Up, up and away.
Posts: 4951

Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

To clarify - Obrien is not, had not and likely won't be called as a bishop in LDS Church. Obrien is not concerned about this fatal flaw in his mortality, either. nor does Obrien hearken to a man who has been a bishop based on that criteria alone. Obrien is an equal opportunity skeptic, when it comes to mortals.

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