Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

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Rose Garden
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Rose Garden »

Strawberry, I believe you should be trying to block sources to pornography into your home, but I do not believe that should be your focus.

Here in the United States, we fight a hopeless battle against germs. We know we can never win the battle but we keep up an endless round of sanitizing anything we can get our hands on. In Korea, they approach health with the perspective of building up their immune system so it can withstand germs. They still keep things clean, but that isn't their one and only method of staying healthy. And they aren't obsessed about it like some people become here.

It's an excellent method for fighting anything unwholesome, including porn. If your entire focus is on keeping it out, then you are going to feel a sense of hopelessness because you know that sooner or later, like when he moves out, he is going to be able to access it. Go ahead and take the precautions you can, but place your focus on building him up. I suggest doing this prayerfully and asking the Lord what needs he has that aren't being met that are driving him to look at porn.

This article addresses girls, not boys, but it is an example of what I am talking about: http://www.patheos.com/Resources/Additi ... Women.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;. It is a great article by the way, and I recommend reading the whole thing. Girls form unwholesome relationships with boyfriends, according to this article, because they do not feel a sense of power over their lives. This rings true to me and I think this approach is the way we should be looking at difficult situations with our kids.

I believe your son is looking at porn because one of his most basic spiritual needs is not getting met. I have no idea what that need could be, but I do know that the Lord could reveal it to you if you ask him. I also know that if you don't address that problem, anything you do will never be enough to keep your son away from porn permanently. He will eventually go back to it.

I'm praying for you, Strawberry. I know you will be able to find a solution to this problem.

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LiberMama
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by LiberMama »

Just for the record, in most of these situations with our youth, the Bishop need not be involved. However, in my case I felt that he must be involved due to my son's position in his Quorum at the time. I'm also challenged by a husband who teeters on the edge of darkness when it comes to that stuff too.... So, I'm personally in a tough spot. Could his father teach his own son, right from wrong. Of course, his father was also involved in a conversation. Back then we had major controls on the computers, except -- you guessed it, my son did his 'sneak' peek using my computer and I discovered it looking at the history that at the time my son didn't know how to hid/coverup/delete.

Our challenge as parents is to be teaching our children the tender mercies of the Lord. That its is through the love of the Savior where forgiveness brings peace. It also requires us to help our children discover the joy of choosing to live our lives in the path of the Savior and not in the gutter of the world. With all the junk being pumped into kids minds these day through just everyday television, the contents and story lines of movies and books. The 'anime' of illustrated comics that emphasize the human body in a manner to stimulate the desires and drives of mankind..... Its a rough world out there.

Hopefully, we can teach our children the everlasting joy and sweetness of honor and respect to the beautiful and sacred relationship between man and wife -- and that this relationship is only for a married couple and not some cheap thrill or temporary 'release' because our body has acquired a dependency upon those urges and drives to be stimulated.

Peace to all!

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Strawberry
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Strawberry »

Great analogy Jezebel. Get to the root of the problem, don't just mask it (kind of like if you are very ill, change your diet and lifestyle vs taking drugs which won't solve the problem, just mask it). Yes, my son needs to have a change of heart, and to be taught.

I'll share this article with a friend of mine who just confided in me she's experiencing the same challenge in her home.

My same friend suggested the book "Like Dragons Did They Fight". I'll have to look that one up. Glad to know I'm not alone and that healing can be had.

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

So, 10 days on, how is your son doing? Has he come out of his room yet (joke). How are you and DH doing? Sadly, I think this is a pretty common challenge for kids and parents these days.

Fiannan
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Fiannan »

Why should anyone think they are a failure as a parent because their child looked up some porn? In the 1950s kids checked out the naked tribal women in National Geographic, in the 1970s they stole their uncles Playboy, in the 1990s they snuck in to mommy and daddy's secret stash of VHS rentals and today the internet allows instant access to anything from yuppie porn (designed for couples), Japanese animation for the more nerdy types, feminist porn and the regular old stuff with more silicone implants than one would find at an LDS California bishop's trophy wife get-together. Instant access means just about everyone with a pulse has seen such stuff, and young guys and girls of course do not know how to erase their history files.

That said I believe the only way to combat this is to reason with a youngster who accesses it. Admit to them it is perfectly natural to do so but that just as it would be wrong to pay to see homeless people fight over a free meal it is wrong to produce an item that entices people to take part in an activity in front of a camera that should be private; something that makes porn producers and large hotel chains a lot of money. You might even ask how they would feel if they knew their mom or sister was in such a film. Of course this will work best with kids who have a conscience -- it will have little effect on sociopathic or psychopathic kids but they are a small minority of youth...though they will be the ones most likely to excel in religious, academic and corporate life.

Just don't make this a big issue because it isn't unless a parent makes it such and causes fixation upon it. Seen a few families where such reactions have led to the youth, once grown, run away from the Church and never look back.

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Strawberry
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Strawberry »

Obrien wrote:So, 10 days on, how is your son doing? Has he come out of his room yet (joke). How are you and DH doing? Sadly, I think this is a pretty common challenge for kids and parents these days.
Yes, he's come out of his room :ymparty: We had a little talk and I'm sure will have many more. I've never parented a 12 year old boy before. He's a brave one to be my guinea pig. Honestly, I didn't do anything wrong (moral wise) when I was growing up so this is all new to me, I was Molly Mormon.

I talked with another friend of mine who has a grown daughter, her daughter apparently looked at hard core and a lot of it over a long period of time. Thought hadn't crossed my mind that my daughter (who is now 14) might look at it. I also learned from this same friend that her other daughter was on anti-depressants, as well as all of her daughters friends (who happened to be Mormon). I have a lot to learn - kind of naive about these things which probably isn't such a good thing :-o . My friend gave me good advise (as did Fiannan) she told me to have poker face when I catch them doing something wrong or they tell me about doing something wrong. I can freak out in private when they aren't around and can't hear me.

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

strawberry - glad to hear you've both recovered, somewhat. yes, poker face is a pretty useful tool when dealing with kids. another great trick ( and I'm not accusing with this, just offering it as advice) - listen. keep your lip zipped and let the kid talk. they will likely be pretty uncomfortable with silence, and they will talk. dont be mad quiet, or shocked quiet - just contemplative quiet.

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Rose Garden
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Rose Garden »

Yes, that is great advice. Especially as you are listening, you are giving them the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes as parents, we are tempted to listen to glean "evidence" against them to try and show them just how messed up they are. When we work to really understand them, then the answers to the problems come.

Besides listening and trying to understand, I've had great success with my little ones by just holding them. It is amazing to me how many problems can be solved by simply putting your arms around a child and holding them until they are ready to be let loose. Probably doesn't work as well with teens, but it probably couldn't hurt.

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