A few more...
At Sunday School they were learning how God created everything, including human beings. Johnny was especially intent when the teacher told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
***************************************************
A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"
****************************************************
It was Palm Sunday but because of a sore throat, 5-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him. "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and he shows up."
****************************************************
An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."
****************************************************
Visiting his grandparents, a small boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out. He picked it up and found that it was an old leaf that had been pressed flat between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," he called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked." With astonishment in his voice, the boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Help!
-
bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
I grew up playing table tennis, played a lot in the Air Force. When I got to Okinawa first thing I did was look up the local indigenous personal clubs to see what my competition would be like, little did I know the best competition would come from the section where I worked. But all my life I had heard how good orientals were at table tennis, and I wanted to play against them. They were darn good, but not good enough. They liked to play ten feet off the end of the table and slam the ball back and forth, which was fine by me, I beat them by making them play above the table. But the best guy I ever played over there was a Staff Sargent that worked in the same section I worked in, in fact he was my section chief, and it really riled him when I played him pretty even. He was good, really good, he had a back hand slam that was impossible to return, and he could put it anywhere on the table he wanted. He practiced by standing dominoes on end across the table and having someone serve to him, then he'd proceed to knock them down in order across the table, right to left with his back hand slam, he hardly ever missed. But I studied him like I studied the Japanese players, and spotted his weakness, he wasn't as good when he had to reach for the ball, so I would get him going back and forth always playing to his fore hand. As soon as I got him on the corner of the table then I would slam the ball right back into his belly while he was moving to get back to the center of the table, and he struggled with returning a slam hit right at him.
However, my ping pong prowess isn't exactly why I started this story, what I wanted to tell everybody about was an enlisted man, my friend, by the name of Peterson who I played against, he wasn't that good, so I would play him left handed to give him a chance, and he'd get really disgusted when I did that. Peterson was the funniest guy I have ever known, he kept us in stitches all the time---
We were playing during lunch break and one of us hit our last ball pretty hard and broke it, I don't remember who, so Peterson and I jumped in my standard issue International six passenger pickup truck and drove to the BX (PX in the army) to purchase some ping pong balls. They didn't have any, we drove to another smaller BX, they didn't have any either. We drove off base and checked an Army PX and they were out. Went back to the base and started checking the clubs, officers club had some but were not willing to part with any, NCO club people didn't know where the extra balls were, and the guy in charge wasn't there. Finally we ended up at one of the enlisted mens club and there we found some ping pong balls. The guy there had a whole case, and he gave us three or four packs, six balls to the pack. Thanking him profusely we started to leave and he ask if we'd like him to order a case or two for us. Peterson picked up on that really quick and ask; can we order them? The guy replied "sure" and give Peterson the paperwork. We returned to the section and I forgot about the whole matter.
A few weeks later Peterson and I were in the NCOIC"s office when the phone rang. TSgt. Tommy Yates who spoke in a distinct Southern drawl picked up the phone, and answered it in the proper Southern military way, "Munitions handling section, Sgt Yates speakun, may ah help ya sir?" He listened for several seconds, replied "yas sir, several seconds more replied again "yas sir" then with a strange look on his face ask--- two ton of what?? Peterson, sitting beside me jumped up, muttered a quick oh oh, and took off out the door. Tommy Yates yelled at him, Peterson, get back in here , then speaking on the phone said, Major, I'm really sorry, Ah forgot to cancel that order, we found what we needed for our flotation purposes, thank ya sir for calling and Tommy hung up, laid his head down on his desk and started laughing. Peterson had ordered two ton of ping pong balls, and the supply officer was calling to suggest something else for our flotation purposes--whatever they were----
Bob
However, my ping pong prowess isn't exactly why I started this story, what I wanted to tell everybody about was an enlisted man, my friend, by the name of Peterson who I played against, he wasn't that good, so I would play him left handed to give him a chance, and he'd get really disgusted when I did that. Peterson was the funniest guy I have ever known, he kept us in stitches all the time---
We were playing during lunch break and one of us hit our last ball pretty hard and broke it, I don't remember who, so Peterson and I jumped in my standard issue International six passenger pickup truck and drove to the BX (PX in the army) to purchase some ping pong balls. They didn't have any, we drove to another smaller BX, they didn't have any either. We drove off base and checked an Army PX and they were out. Went back to the base and started checking the clubs, officers club had some but were not willing to part with any, NCO club people didn't know where the extra balls were, and the guy in charge wasn't there. Finally we ended up at one of the enlisted mens club and there we found some ping pong balls. The guy there had a whole case, and he gave us three or four packs, six balls to the pack. Thanking him profusely we started to leave and he ask if we'd like him to order a case or two for us. Peterson picked up on that really quick and ask; can we order them? The guy replied "sure" and give Peterson the paperwork. We returned to the section and I forgot about the whole matter.
A few weeks later Peterson and I were in the NCOIC"s office when the phone rang. TSgt. Tommy Yates who spoke in a distinct Southern drawl picked up the phone, and answered it in the proper Southern military way, "Munitions handling section, Sgt Yates speakun, may ah help ya sir?" He listened for several seconds, replied "yas sir, several seconds more replied again "yas sir" then with a strange look on his face ask--- two ton of what?? Peterson, sitting beside me jumped up, muttered a quick oh oh, and took off out the door. Tommy Yates yelled at him, Peterson, get back in here , then speaking on the phone said, Major, I'm really sorry, Ah forgot to cancel that order, we found what we needed for our flotation purposes, thank ya sir for calling and Tommy hung up, laid his head down on his desk and started laughing. Peterson had ordered two ton of ping pong balls, and the supply officer was calling to suggest something else for our flotation purposes--whatever they were----
Bob
-
Jason
- Master of Puppets
- Posts: 18296
Re: Help!
LOL....gotta hand it to him for trying!!!bobhenstra wrote:I grew up playing table tennis, played a lot in the Air Force. When I got to Okinawa first thing I did was look up the local indigenous personal clubs to see what my competition would be like, little did I know the best competition would come from the section where I worked. But all my life I had heard how good orientals were at table tennis, and I wanted to play against them. They were darn good, but not good enough. They liked to play ten feet off the end of the table and slam the ball back and forth, which was fine by me, I beat them by making them play above the table. But the best guy I ever played over there was a Staff Sargent that worked in the same section I worked in, in fact he was my section chief, and it really riled him when I played him pretty even. He was good, really good, he had a back hand slam that was impossible to return, and he could put it anywhere on the table he wanted. He practiced by standing dominoes on end across the table and having someone serve to him, then he'd proceed to knock them down in order across the table, right to left with his back hand slam, he hardly ever missed. But I studied him like I studied the Japanese players, and spotted his weakness, he wasn't as good when he had to reach for the ball, so I would get him going back and forth always playing to his fore hand. As soon as I got him on the corner of the table then I would slam the ball right back into his belly while he was moving to get back to the center of the table, and he struggled with returning a slam hit right at him.
However, my ping pong prowess isn't exactly why I started this story, what I wanted to tell everybody about was an enlisted man, my friend, by the name of Peterson who I played against, he wasn't that good, so I would play him left handed to give him a chance, and he'd get really disgusted when I did that. Peterson was the funniest guy I have ever known, he kept us in stitches all the time---
We were playing during lunch break and one of us hit our last ball pretty hard and broke it, I don't remember who, so Peterson and I jumped in my standard issue International six passenger pickup truck and drove to the BX (PX in the army) to purchase some ping pong balls. They didn't have any, we drove to another smaller BX, they didn't have any either. We drove off base and checked an Army PX and they were out. Went back to the base and started checking the clubs, officers club had some but were not willing to part with any, NCO club people didn't know where the extra balls were, and the guy in charge wasn't there. Finally we ended up at one of the enlisted mens club and there we found some ping pong balls. The guy there had a whole case, and he gave us three or four packs, six balls to the pack. Thanking him profusely we started to leave and he ask if we'd like him to order a case or two for us. Peterson picked up on that really quick and ask; can we order them? The guy replied "sure" and give Peterson the paperwork. We returned to the section and I forgot about the whole matter.
A few weeks later Peterson and I were in the NCOIC"s office when the phone rang. TSgt. Tommy Yates who spoke in a distinct Southern drawl picked up the phone, and answered it in the proper Southern military way, "Munitions handling section, Sgt Yates speakun, may ah help ya sir?" He listened for several seconds, replied "yas sir, several seconds more replied again "yas sir" then with a strange look on his face ask--- two ton of what?? Peterson, sitting beside me jumped up, muttered a quick oh oh, and took off out the door. Tommy Yates yelled at him, Peterson, get back in here , then speaking on the phone said, Major, I'm really sorry, Ah forgot to cancel that order, we found what we needed for our flotation purposes, thank ya sir for calling and Tommy hung up, laid his head down on his desk and started laughing. Peterson had ordered two ton of ping pong balls, and the supply officer was calling to suggest something else for our flotation purposes--whatever they were----
Bob
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Wow, where'd you get that? I thought I was the only guy in the whole world who had that picture! That guy actually returned that shot, and he was actually Chinese :ymsick: 
Bob
Bob
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Due to recent budget cuts, the rising cost of
electricity, gas and oil, plus the current state
of the economy, the light at the end of the tunnel
HAS BEEN TURNED OFF
Bobby
electricity, gas and oil, plus the current state
of the economy, the light at the end of the tunnel
HAS BEEN TURNED OFF
Bobby
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Been having a little trouble with my refrigerator lately, I know what the problem is, I can fix it, I just yell "BOYS" at my heating and air expert kids to come and add some Freon to the durn thing---
But today, I crept (feet hurt bad) out to the mail box and found a card from Rocky Mountain Power (use't be called Utah Pilfer and Loot). On the card is a magnet with a promise to pay me $30 dollars for my 20 year old refrigerator---- they'd pick it up and give me $30 bucks--Hummm
So, wise old feller that I am, I stumbled over, starred menacingly at my fridge, and slapped that magnetized card on it-------
boB
But today, I crept (feet hurt bad) out to the mail box and found a card from Rocky Mountain Power (use't be called Utah Pilfer and Loot). On the card is a magnet with a promise to pay me $30 dollars for my 20 year old refrigerator---- they'd pick it up and give me $30 bucks--Hummm
So, wise old feller that I am, I stumbled over, starred menacingly at my fridge, and slapped that magnetized card on it-------
boB
Last edited by bobhenstra on November 8th, 2011, 2:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
In honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.
The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened.
Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
[img]f74d7&view=att&th=133513a0415202e8&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw[/img]
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.
The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.
The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!
When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened.
Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.
Aren't you just stimulated?
[img]f74d7&view=att&th=133513a0415202e8&attid=0.1.1&disp=emb&zw[/img]
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
A few word plays for you that you will love:
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
After a dentist and a manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Have a great day!
Bob
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
After a dentist and a manicurist married, they fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.
Have a great day!
Bob
-
bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Great football quotes---
"Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy...than to fumble this football," said John Heisman. "Show me a good and gracious loser...and I'll show you a failure," is what Knute Rockne said.
Here are some others. Paul Bear Bryant said, "I make my practices real hard...because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
After the Utah loss, if Bronco was looking for a quote to put the loss in perspective and on a higher plane, how about these?
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." - Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold...you gotta know the password, roll, tide roll." - Paul Bear Bryant
"I've found that prayers work best...when you have big players." -Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame
And our favorite: "There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you - Woody Hayes/ Ohio State.
Bronco has said that he aspires to taking the BYU football program to the next level. That wouldn't hurt him either in the quote department.
Consequently, here are some "next level" quotes to which Mendenhall could aspire.
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat...That costs money and we don't have any." - Erk Russell/Georgia
"After you retire, there's only one big event left...and I ain't ready for that." - Bobby Bowden
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one that dropped it." - Lou Holtz/Notre Dame
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." - Lou Holtz/Notre Dame
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy/Notre Dame
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney/Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts/Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms...Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest rout to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar...except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State
"Always remember: Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan/Auburn
Here are some others. Paul Bear Bryant said, "I make my practices real hard...because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game."
After the Utah loss, if Bronco was looking for a quote to put the loss in perspective and on a higher plane, how about these?
"Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas." - Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game
"If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold...you gotta know the password, roll, tide roll." - Paul Bear Bryant
"I've found that prayers work best...when you have big players." -Knute Rockne/ Notre Dame
And our favorite: "There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you - Woody Hayes/ Ohio State.
Bronco has said that he aspires to taking the BYU football program to the next level. That wouldn't hurt him either in the quote department.
Consequently, here are some "next level" quotes to which Mendenhall could aspire.
"At Georgia Southern, we don't cheat...That costs money and we don't have any." - Erk Russell/Georgia
"After you retire, there's only one big event left...and I ain't ready for that." - Bobby Bowden
"The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one that dropped it." - Lou Holtz/Notre Dame
"Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated." - Lou Holtz/Notre Dame
"A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall." - Frank Leahy/Notre Dame
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney/Nebraska
"In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant." - Wally Butts/Georgia
"I never graduated from Iowa, but I was only there for two terms...Truman's and Eisenhower's." - Alex Karras
"My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest rout to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt/Tennessee
"I could have been a Rhodes Scholar...except for my grades." - Duffy Daugherty/Michigan State
"Always remember: Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan/Auburn
-
bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
"Practice does not make perfect. Only perfect practice makes perfect." - Vince Lombardi
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck
"You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four." - Dan Birdwell
"If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn't the same as the one I was wearing, I'd run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother." - Bo Jackson
"I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault." - Jack Tatum
"We can't run. We can't pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now." - Bruce Coslett
"The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others." - Don Shula
“No matter how much you've won, no matter how many games, no matter how many championships, no matter how many Super Bowls, you're not winning now, so you stink.” - Bill Parcells
“Bear Bryant's Three Rules for coaching: 1) Surround yourself with people who can't live without football. 2) Recognize winners. They come In all forms. 3) Have a plan for everything.” - Bear Bryant
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath
Bob
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-time takes twelve minutes. This is not coincidence." - Erma Bombeck
"You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four." - Dan Birdwell
"If my mother put on a helmet and shoulder pads and a uniform that wasn't the same as the one I was wearing, I'd run over her if she was in my way. And I love my mother." - Bo Jackson
"I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault." - Jack Tatum
"We can't run. We can't pass. We can't stop the run. We can't stop the pass. We can't kick. Other than that, we're just not a very good football team right now." - Bruce Coslett
"The superior man blames himself. The inferior man blames others." - Don Shula
“No matter how much you've won, no matter how many games, no matter how many championships, no matter how many Super Bowls, you're not winning now, so you stink.” - Bill Parcells
“Bear Bryant's Three Rules for coaching: 1) Surround yourself with people who can't live without football. 2) Recognize winners. They come In all forms. 3) Have a plan for everything.” - Bear Bryant
"When you win, nothing hurts." - Joe Namath
Bob
-
bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
Bobby
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?"
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better?
GOOD! - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi.
Bobby
-
bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Subject: ID Check
President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States.
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the centre of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Bobby
President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?
Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States.
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."
Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this check."
Cashier: "Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the centre of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"
Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"
Bobby
-
bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars, about $1.40, for buses about $7.
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent..
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!
......
And no one even knows his name.
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Years ago I hunted deer up Johnsons Pass near Tooele, all the land there is BLM land, the reason I hunted there, I don't like having to ask permission to hunt. There is one fence you have to go through to get onto the BLM land, but it's on an established road, and is there to keep cattle in for the BLM land cattle feeding lease.
One season we drove up the road only to see several hunting rigs stopped in a line, a guy was there collecting money from each hunter who wanted to go past. I knew it was BLM land, so when we got to the fence, I jumped out of my rig, walked over to the pickup parked there and took down the license number. Then I walked up to the money collector and told him I was going up the road and telling everybody he collected money from he was stealing from them, and was going to give them his license plate number, and on top of that, I was going to block his truck from leaving the scene, and the rig behind me was going to the nearest phone and call the sheriff. I waved at the truck behind me, the driver standing outside of his truck listening to me, to turn around, and even though we didn't know each other, he got the message, turned around and started back down the road. The money collector panicked, jumped in his 4 wheel drive and drove over some pretty rough rocks to get out of there. The driver who turned around come back and we had a good laugh, an even better laugh when he commented, I've always wanted to try something like that, but never had the guts.
As we went up the road, we stopped at each camp to see how much money the guy had taken, we figured it to be about $60 dollars, "if" everyone was telling the truth. A couple of guys jumped in their truck to try and chase the crook down, but he was long gone. I shared the license number with every camp below where we camped, didn't want the fish cops bothering me, nor the sheriff! It was fun!
Bob
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent..
The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain is a man who'd apparently had a
ticket machine installed completely on his own; and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars!
......
And no one even knows his name.
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Years ago I hunted deer up Johnsons Pass near Tooele, all the land there is BLM land, the reason I hunted there, I don't like having to ask permission to hunt. There is one fence you have to go through to get onto the BLM land, but it's on an established road, and is there to keep cattle in for the BLM land cattle feeding lease.
One season we drove up the road only to see several hunting rigs stopped in a line, a guy was there collecting money from each hunter who wanted to go past. I knew it was BLM land, so when we got to the fence, I jumped out of my rig, walked over to the pickup parked there and took down the license number. Then I walked up to the money collector and told him I was going up the road and telling everybody he collected money from he was stealing from them, and was going to give them his license plate number, and on top of that, I was going to block his truck from leaving the scene, and the rig behind me was going to the nearest phone and call the sheriff. I waved at the truck behind me, the driver standing outside of his truck listening to me, to turn around, and even though we didn't know each other, he got the message, turned around and started back down the road. The money collector panicked, jumped in his 4 wheel drive and drove over some pretty rough rocks to get out of there. The driver who turned around come back and we had a good laugh, an even better laugh when he commented, I've always wanted to try something like that, but never had the guts.
As we went up the road, we stopped at each camp to see how much money the guy had taken, we figured it to be about $60 dollars, "if" everyone was telling the truth. A couple of guys jumped in their truck to try and chase the crook down, but he was long gone. I shared the license number with every camp below where we camped, didn't want the fish cops bothering me, nor the sheriff! It was fun!
Bob
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and stay away from children."
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not crippling and maiming your own children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
Mothers of teens understand why some animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago, but they're still getting in------
You're gonna wanna be nice to your kids. They're gonna choose your nursing home------
Bobby
You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not crippling and maiming your own children.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like cleaning the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
Mothers of teens understand why some animals eat their young.
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child proofed our home 3 years ago, but they're still getting in------
You're gonna wanna be nice to your kids. They're gonna choose your nursing home------
Bobby
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
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shadow
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 10542
- Location: St. George
Re: Help!
Hey Bob, I found this truly exciting video of your home town, Genola. You best sit down for this one...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srZHBfibgfo" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srZHBfibgfo" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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bobhenstra
- Level 34 Illuminated
- Posts: 7236
- Location: Central Utah
Re: Help!
That was fun Gary, but a lot of those pictures show buildings that have never existed in Genola. I recognized several buildings as being in Payson. Carole Davis was in a Stake Presidency, he was my neighbor! There are several pictures of the house he raised a bunch of kids in, it was just down the street from where I live, the old house was there when we moved here. My kids loved playing in it. There are only a few pictured there who are still alive.
Thanks Gary, I appreciate it. We're having a harder time keeping Genola a secret!
Bob
Thanks Gary, I appreciate it. We're having a harder time keeping Genola a secret!
Bob
