My name comes from my father, who is a powerful man in his own right. However, my name has much deeper roots than this. Stemming back to the Germans who colonized the early Americas, to the Spaniards, the French but even much earlier than this. The Clovis people of the early Americas were once accredited the honor of being the first people to live on this continent (later disproved). Now, if this is the name that they gave themselves (which I doubt) it does hold some power and hiSTORY in the name. This or you can simple relate it to New Mexico or California towns.
I've gotten it all from the hundreds of patients I worked with as a CNA, asking me where my name is from (or telling me where they know it), if I'm married (I'm not), or if I played basketball. I guess measuring in at 6'3" does that to people, makes them assume who I am. Being a clean cut young man serving our elders, assumptions arised that I was LDS, served a mission, and was going to church everyday. It quite the opposite at the time, I was smoking, kicking drug habits from high-school and working on procrastinating less. This cycle continued on for 6 months after graduation, moving in with my Lesbian mother and working at her physical rehab center. I enrolled for College, bought my own vape, and got a new video game console.
All of these temporary rewards caught up to me, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was given anti-depressants. Which I only took for about 3 weeks. I felt like I could beat it myself that I didn't need the medicine (I wasn't wrong in the long run). How I was about to find out how wrong I was not seeking help outside of this.
One thing I think people with depression neglect to tell you, is that their doctors don't follow up. I felt, at the time, the doctors thought I was another over privileged kid with mommy and daddy issues who is whining they can't have what they want then and there. Really, I was a kid with intense pain and suffering. I was a kid who lost hope in humanity and only saw hell fire in its path. This intense feeling of hopelessness turned into a relationship with darker energy, the feeling that I could only know the adversary, the feeling that I could channel his power into something that would change the world. (I wish I was making this up, as I type this I realize how crazy it sounds) I hope this gives you some perspective into my life at this time, and the doctors thought that I need medication. It's laughable really, the modern medical system and how it treat mental illness. I can't think of a worse way to communicate with someone that has lost hope for everything, with a common list of questions that generalize how you are feeling, making you feel like you are dumb for feeling this way even before you have time to express your true thoughts. Gosh, making you feel like you are dumb because of how devoid of caring the question are. Have you noticed a change in your appetite, are you eating less or more? Well, let me answer that for you, after I'm done coasting through life in a pool of misery. Thanks!
Anyways, I digress. I got to the point that I hung a noose up on my tree, planned for about two weeks the most effective way to kill myself, if it was going to be with the 3 different medication the doctors gave me (which it won't work I looked it up, even if i had taken every last pill). I came to the crippling conclusion that I was going to hang myself with a noose. The pain of looking this stuff up and removing the life-preservation barriers that are age old, created before we even knew what fire was, is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The intense defeat and sorrow I felt, that then turned into this burning hate for the world and what it represented.
I remember the day I was going to do it, I broke down on campus, took my truck home trying to rid myself of the voices in my head that were screaming at me to do it! I tied the noose from a rope in the shed out back, just like the video instructed me to, hung it on my tree in the back yard where the swing also hung. My idea was to tie it inbetween the swing arms then I could put my head through and just let the seat slide out from under my feet. The feeling of taking your life, right before you do it, feels like you have already crossed the barrier of life and death. You feel like death has already taken your soul. I floated through this experience with tears in my eyes, I climbed the swing, grabbed each end of the noose and right before I put my head through. A little girls voice called to me, "Don't do it!", I turned around startled and then looked back at the noose. Mortified about what I was about to do. I fell crying.
Now, this might be the time you think that I returned to God, I found his light again. I wish it was, in each of us God has a plan of salvation and I need more pain before I was ready to return. I would agree with my mom and her partner, that I needed more help from the doctors. I gave them another chance, thinking maybe this would be the change I need. So we got me into the Psych Ward at my local hospital. Another long and depressing story short, they didn't help. I felt like my voice wasn't truly being heard. I felt like it would never truly be heard. My voice won't be heard until this day, until I post this post, I havent told anyone my story in this much detail. Spare some of them and what not. But this is where my story began.
Wow, okay, so, I beat depression. After a couple more months of internal struggles with myself and seeing a foot-zone. The pivot point in myself pity and hopelessness was when I found a great thinker Miko Kaku who temporally restored my faith in humanity. But, it being of an untruth, I was quickly swallowed up by the negative energy at which I surrounded myself. I was still smoking and still smoking weed every once in awhile, then around March of 2016, my friend would tell me about this game called 'Clash Royale'. This would become the bane of my existence, so much that I would ruin everything or become very close to ruining it before snapping out of this terrible money catch. 1 year later, $5000, 5 phones and 1 tablet later, I stood there with nothing from the game. But a scar on my forehead from being so angry at myself and reaching my boiling point. To clarify, yes i spent upwards of 5000 dollars on this game, broke 5 phone and 1 tablet. Don't worry they were android devices so they were more on the affordable spectrum of top end devices. The funny thing is, I still have all of the boxes, no regrets.
Finally, my last trial and my last test to return my soul to the truth and our lords loving embrace. I lost my job after I quit being a CNA after a year and a half. I moved to Autoliv and drove fork lift at night, I would lose this job and have to leave school, which would enact a small domino effect on my life. Jobless, without education, debt, and my mother was kicking me out. So, I buckled down on my own willpower to turn my life around, I found 2 new potential jobs. One from my uncle, and the other from the foot-zoners husband. I would come to take the latter and work for his small business and have a dream of becoming a machinist. I also found a place three big cities south of where my mom was living for a decent price.
I finally, felt some equilibrium enter into my life. Until this last Monday (at the time of this writing) my boss asked me to paint the garage area of his shop, where he stores his huge 40 foot coach. So i took up the job, halfheartedly, only because I was hoping when he returned from his week long vacation he would start to teach me some coding on the machines. Disappointed, I took up the job, working as fast as I could manage on the scaffolding and painting the steel beams a pearl white careful not to get any on the gray metal on the other side. My boss returned. Before I finish this story up, I want to tell you guys that have made it this far, how amazing this man is. He has owned this business for over 30 years, has a reservoir of knowledge. I mean a huge amount, almost every conversation we have i am leaning something new and something that touches my life. He is a stone wall when it comes to his faith, he is unmovable, not even the devils strongest minions could take this man down. He works like a horse to keep his business alive.
For him to see me only having one wall completed he was understandably frustrated. At the time of me receiving this, I was broken that he felt my working was insufficient, I felt the worst coming, I felt like I wasn't worth anyones time, that it didn't matter how much I tried to stay on the raft I created I just couldn't do it, I couldn't keep my life a float of the sea that is life. He proceeded to tell me how many days it would take for me to finish painting the garage would take. That if we took that time and multiplied it by the amount I had done, it would take all week. He told me that for me to go to school for CNC machining, I would have to quit. He proceeded with telling me that I was barely getting a full work week in, he didn't see me being able to go to school along with working full time. He said I looked unhappy or uninterested that I wasn't good enough for the money he was paying me and the investment he was giving me. He said that I could break down and give up, think about suicide or I could man up. That I would find God's plan in me, I needed to get rid of the distractions in my life that were holding me hostage, I had to free myself of my own ball and chain. Get the key to my own prison and open the door. My boss proceeded to tell me that the best thing and the thing he was most proud of from his kids, was they had served their missions. He would rather them do that, than go to college. Because doing the Lords work is not easy. All the while he is telling me this, he is up on the scaffolding paint the beams I was supposed to be painting, I felt utterly defeated. I felt there wasn't any indication of my losing my job, I was so confused why this was happening to me. Why me?
That was the question, I asked myself. Not, really I was crying and to broken up to ask myself even that question. I did manage to muster my courage and tell him that I felt he was undervaluing my character, that I wouldn't run from this with my tail between my legs. I thanked him for everything he had done for me. I wanted to run, I wanted to hate him, I wanted to kill myself... Those thoughts, I knew deep down were not good. I didn't do any of those things. I stayed right where I was. Listening to his words and running through the thoughts that flood my own brain. Where would I go? What job would I work to pay my bills? How do I continue from nothing?
He never asked me to leave. Instead he invited me to come in and talk. He gave me some knowledge that I hold at the center on my heart right now. He gave me ultimate truth and gave me the stepping stones to turn my life around. He gave me the flint and striker. Then we said a prayer. We took two minutes to meditate and calm our thoughts. My thoughts were not calm and I was begging of our Father to help me that I was so sorry of everything I had done! We each said I prayers after the two minutes, he went then I went. The spirit was so strong in these moments that he told me before I left, "I'm tired.". I'm tired. How can a man who is so strong in his faith be that tired. He loves and cares about me, he cared so much he poured his energy into starting my fire. He took the flint and the striker, he started it and the fire that was born in me was God. The Holy Ghost entered into me that evening in a manner I never experienced as a child. I had finally reached my adventures end. To start my journey with God beside me. I have surrendered my will unto our Father. I want to bare my testimony and my witness here today, I know that the words written in the Book of Mormon are true, I know that our plan for salvation is true, I know The Church of Jesus Christ of latter-day Saints is true. I know that in God's teachings given unto us from Joseph Smiths resurrection of the words of God we can live with him again. I want to bare testimony I know this is true and witness unto me that this is the way. AMEN.