Ensign Article--Yet ANOTHER Anti-Male Pornography Push

[JohnnyL]

Yup, they did it again, February issue. This time, it was a female social worker who wrote the article. She uses "spouse", but every example and everything else lets you know "spouse" in this article = "husband".

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2017/02/hear ... y?lang=eng

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"Heartbreak and Hope: When a Spouse Uses Pornography

Seven ways the spouse of a pornography user can not only survive heartbreak but also see a promise of hope.

Amy made the choices every parent desires for a son or daughter. She was sealed in the temple after receiving a strong spiritual impression to marry her husband.

Prior to their wedding, her husband-to-be made a courageous choice as well, admitting to her that he had used pornography.

A short year later, Amy realized that his struggle with pornography was not in the past. Three years into their marriage—when they had an eight-month-old baby—Amy suffered the unimaginable pain of her husband’s having an affair and being subsequently excommunicated from the Church.

How did Amy survive the heartbreak? How do the many other women and men with similar circumstances survive their pain?

Many spouses and other family members of pornography users have discovered helpful and hopeful behaviors common to their own and others’ journeys. And they have courageously shared their stories.

The Church website OvercomingPornography.org terms seven of these common behaviors as “vital behaviors.” These behaviors—experienced at an individual pace and in an individual order—have proven to be, for many, vital to emotional, mental, and spiritual healing.
Vital Behavior 1: Address the Trauma of Betrayal

Learning about and addressing the trauma, self-blame, and other reactions a person has when discovering pornography use by his or her spouse.

When Eva found that her husband was involved with pornography, she felt “intense pain, anger, heartache, depression, and obsession.” Obsession is actually a common feeling for someone who experiences the trauma of betrayal of a spouse’s pornography use, and Eva’s behavior in response to these intense emotions is also not unusual. She began to obsess about her husband and his actions. Where was he? Who was he talking to? What was he doing? His pornography and sex addiction became the center of her life, and she desperately wanted to fix him, believing that if she could get his problem under control, they would be happy.

When Jamie learned of her husband’s pornography use, she reacted with an understandable desire to control whatever she could. She thought she could arrange the life of her husband, Jon, so he wouldn’t seek instant gratification through pornography, and he would, therefore, have no other option but to choose righteousness. She wrote daily lists for him: what he could do for fun and what chores he needed to complete.

A pivotal moment in Jamie’s journey came when her bishop was inspired to emphasize, “Jamie, this is not your fault. Nothing you are doing is making him look at pornography. He is choosing.” And just as she was not the cause of his looking at pornography, she also could not be the cause of his stopping. Intellectually, she already knew what the bishop told her, but Jamie says that after the bishop’s reminder, “the lists stopped. I gave up trying to control his behavior and trying to force him into righteousness—and I focused on myself.” In effect, Jamie gave herself permission to feel her own hurt and to work on her own recovery.

After Jamie’s realization, Jon struggled and relapsed often, but he took responsibility for his own actions. And as they each worked on their own healing, Jon and Jamie found that they could heal better as individuals and as a couple.
Vital Behavior 2: Share Safely

Finding understanding, support, and validation through sharing appropriately.

Another turning point for Jamie and Jon came when one of their children needed a blessing. They called their home teacher, who bravely explained that he was seeking help to deal with his own struggles with pornography. He offered to find someone else to give the blessing. That openness lessened the shame Jon and Jamie felt about their own situation, and Jon finally felt safe enough to discuss his addiction with someone besides Jamie.

When the home teacher’s wife offered to talk with Jamie, Jamie didn’t see the point since her talking wouldn’t fix Jon—and at that point, fixing him was her goal. Yet after she and the home teacher’s wife visited, Jamie felt lighter. Nothing had changed. Jon still struggled, but she was relieved that someone else knew what she was going through and her world hadn’t come crashing down.
Vital Behavior 3: Rebuild Spiritual Confidence

Feeling and following the promptings of the Holy Ghost and having restored trust in God.

When Amy faced her husband’s excommunication, she knew that the Savior could provide the answer to the crushing weight she felt. However, she says, she wasn’t sure how “to bridge that gulf between where I was and the healing power of Jesus Christ.” How, she wondered, could she possibly find—or build—a bridge?

At first she tried to lessen her pain by vigilantly watching her husband and pleading with the Lord to heal him. But one day a spiritual prompting changed everything: Amy realized that controlling someone else’s behavior isn’t part of Heavenly Father’s plan and wasn’t helping her come closer to the Savior. So, she says, the biggest thing she had to do was begin her own journey of healing—and turn her husband’s journey over to him. She came to understand, through inspiration from the Spirit, that she needed to stop living her life as a reaction to pornography and trust in the enabling power of Jesus Christ and His Atonement to strengthen and bless her.

As she looks back, Amy says that at no point did any of her searching or investigating of her husband produce a feeling of peace. Life “was continual turmoil,” she says. “And the only peace I found was when I recognized that Heavenly Father had a plan” for her husband and for her. When she used her own agency to turn to God and seek His help, “the help came” and the gulf between her pain and the Savior’s help didn’t feel quite so wide or the pain so weighty.
Vital Behavior 4: Get Help

Finding a pathway to healing through resources such as literature, a qualified therapist, a mentor, or a proven healing program.
woman receiving angelic help

Detail from She Will Find What Is Lost, by Brian Kershisnik

After 25 years of marriage, Gina learned about her husband’s pornography use and his infidelity. Traumatized, Gina called her bishop. She soon found that he was an understanding listener who let her cry when she needed to—a blessing she acknowledges that not every spouse in her situation has.

Gina remembers that in one of their first meetings, her bishop “advised I get counseling immediately, not for my marriage or for my husband, but so I could have solid support as I faced the challenges ahead. He wanted me to feel cared for, and he knew that he did not have the background that might be needed. He saw my depression and anxiety and advised me to talk to my doctor about any medical help I might need.”

Over the next few years, Gina regularly attended support groups and counseling and sought the support of family—sometimes calling them to ask them to pray for her on her hardest days. She has learned, she says, that “Heavenly Father will never leave me in darkness.”
Vital Behavior 5: Be Open and Honest

Speaking with loved ones regularly about a personal journey of healing and recovery and doing so in an openly candid and authentic way.

Melissa decided to try one more time to save her marriage, which seemed distant and disconnected. That’s when her husband, Cameron, told her honestly about his pornography use. At her urging, he agreed to tell the bishop, and eventually they both talked to their parents. But, as he explains, it “took two years to finally see that there was more to repentance than telling a few people and saying a prayer.” He had to learn that not looking at pornography wasn’t enough. To truly be in a state of recovery, he had to turn to God and find healthy ways to deal with the stress, fear, shame, and anxiety that triggered his craving to look at pornography.

After a relapse, Cameron agreed to attend an addiction recovery program and, over time, has come to understand that the Savior does not give up on us as soon as we make a mistake.

Through also attending a 12-step program, Melissa feels that her family finally has the tools to move forward. She remembers how difficult the 12-step meetings were in the beginning, but she was motivated by a facilitator who suggested that Melissa “try us for 90 days. If you don’t like us, we’ll refund your misery.” Melissa eventually realized that just as she felt hope from others’ stories, maybe she could help others feel hope by sharing her experiences.

Melissa used to believe that if she stayed married, she would only pretend to be happy. Her perspective changed when she realized that the Savior saw potential in her, in Cameron, and in all of Father in Heaven’s children. He put all He is—the Light and the Life of the World—into saving us and giving us another chance. Because of the Savior, Melissa says, she can now smile in a genuine, I’m-happy-to-be-alive way.
Vital Behavior 6: Set Boundaries

Creating appropriate boundaries with the pornography user and establishing a structure that allows functioning and healing.

Well into their journey of overcoming pornography, Jon and Jamie discovered how helpful it was to set boundaries, and they still have them today—even after a good amount of sobriety—because of the peace of mind that boundaries provide. Jamie says that when she was most vulnerable, setting boundaries “protected my heart.”

She and Jon agreed that there were appropriate times and ways to discuss issues surrounding a relapse. They agreed not to have “text wars” but to speak in person. They also agreed that if a discussion was turning into an argument, they could take a break and talk later.

Many of Jon and Jamie’s boundaries relate to how they communicate, but some of their other boundaries take the form of if/then statements in which they agree that certain actions will lead to certain consequences. That, Jamie says, allows them both to feel that life isn’t quite so chaotic.
Vital Behavior 7: Practice Self-Care

Engaging in daily routines that heal and nurture mind, body, and spirit.
woman mending a tear

Detail from Mending, by Brian Kershisnik

Gina remembers that soon after she met with her bishop for the first time, he advised her to do a few things that seemed like the standard answers. “He gently urged me,” she remembers, “to get to the temple, read my scriptures, continue in prayer.”

In the challenging years that followed, Gina found that the “standard answers” were her means of caring for herself. The scriptures became her sanctuary. “I would read a verse, write it down, and try to ponder what it meant to my situation, and then write those thoughts down,” she explains. “I knew that, more than ever, I had to hear the Lord’s word and have it take deeper root in my understanding. I could make so little sense of the rest of my world, but for the time I was in the scriptures, I was making sense of something—one verse at a time.”

Likewise, prayer and temple attendance took on new meaning. “When I was done pouring out my heart,” Gina remembers, “I would say, ‘Heavenly Father, now it’s Your turn.’” And she would wait quietly and listen. “Even in the darkest hour,” she explains, she realized that her “spirit was growing.”
Living in Hope

No individual’s journey of healing is the same as another’s, and each one is a process—not a destination. Common in many stories, however, is a realization that no amount of pornography use is OK or normal. As a result, when someone engages in any frequency of use or any level of involvement, his or her spouse will experience feelings of heartbreak, betrayal trauma, rejection, shame, and questioning of self-worth. Pornography use damages the connection, trust, and communication essential to a healthy relationship—making it vital for a spouse to seek hope and healing.

Also common is the comforting discovery that in this bitter experience, spouses can come to know the sweet not by finally finding it on the far side of their trials but by turning with hope to Jesus Christ in the midst of them.

Today, Gina is divorced and focused on her healing and that of her children, and she often reaches out to help women in similar circumstances find hope. Melissa and Cameron remain married and work to live in recovery. So do Jamie and Jon, who actively help other couples find the healing they have found through the Savior and His Atonement.

Eva is divorced and regularly attending 12-step meetings, where she finds safety and validation as she works on her recovery. She has come to understand that while she once made her husband’s addiction the focus of her life, healing comes as she puts the Savior at the center of her life and efforts.

Amy and her husband are still married—although he continues to relapse. Amy, however, testifies that peace comes when she watches general conference thinking, “How can I heal my pain?” not, “I hope my husband hears this.” She knows that Jesus Christ’s healing power and her faith in the infinite nature of the Atonement provide hope—not only for her husband but also for her.

One sister affected by pornography may speak for all when she says, “The Savior doesn’t want us to try harder; He wants us to turn to Him sooner.” These seven vital behaviors help women and men in their efforts to do that."

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[Fiannan]

One of my daughters has been angry that society, even the Church, seems to get down on men too much.

One of my other daughters has been questioning the leaders of the Church for being so obsessed with sex issues in regards to control.

This is going to have a huge blowback in regards to the millennial population.

[Elizabeth]

JohnnyL, rather than pick fault with this Ensign Article try to obtain help from it.
Thankfully, I personally know nothing of the subject nor do I ever want to, nor do I pretend to even understand how any Christian could be involved in such depravity.
However, even I can see that such articles can only be of assistance to those unfortunate enough to need this help.

Yup, they did it again, February issue. This time, it was a female social worker who wrote the article. She uses "spouse", but every example and everything else lets you know "spouse" in this article = "husband".

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2017/02/hear ... y?lang=eng

No individual’s journey of healing is the same as another’s, and each one is a process—not a destination. Common in many stories, however, is a realization that no amount of pornography use is OK or normal. As a result, when someone engages in any frequency of use or any level of involvement, his or her spouse will experience feelings of heartbreak, betrayal trauma, rejection, shame, and questioning of self-worth. Pornography use damages the connection, trust, and communication essential to a healthy relationship—making it vital for a spouse to seek hope and healing.

[Fiannan]

Think of the damage telling a woman how heartbroken and betrayed she should be when she finds out her husband has looked at some naked pictures.

A few more divorces here and there.

No biggie.

[Mcox]

Sorry JohnnyL, but the majority of ponorgraphy users are male. It is becoming a huge problem within the membership of the church. This article is awesome and helpful. Don't look for the negative. Look at the positive. In my opinion pornography is the "overflowing scourge and desolating sickness" that is spoken of in the scriptures concerning the last days. If you know someone involved in this, you know how awful a scourge it is! Nothing good comes from viewing pornography.

[ripliancum]

Pornography is a scorge in our society. There is nothing good that comes from it. Science has shown that its a progressive adiction that only gets worse over time and spiritually robs men of their divine potential.

[JohnnyL]

Nope. This article is helpful in some ways, and very hurtful and harmful in others.

The tone of the article, from beginning to end, is slanted and negative towards men. Not one mention of a woman (and I know there are many that have this problem).

If the majority of pornography users are male, then what about the females? How come males don't get an article telling them how they should feel, and how bad their wives are, when it happens the other way?

Oh, those percentages are closing; yet, do you think we would EVER see an article about pornography and women? Lol. Or women and novel soft porn? Or women nagging? Or ... ? Rarely, if ever.

In that article, was anything said about addiction? Not really--yet a social worker wrote this??

Here's an example of two experiences I was involved with: one sister committed adultery. No one outside of about four people knew about it. No one said anything. She was still a saint in many people's eyes. She was disfellowshipped. Years later, everything's ok. One brother looked at pornography (it was not nice stuff). He was released, excommunicated, people talked, many people knew about it; bad, bad man, for life; poor shamed wife.

[JohnnyL]

https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2017/02/0 ... rebellion/ :

... This is a very common approach, and it is founded on a breathtaking denial of what is going on in our society. Indeed, pornography and social media are part of the problem, along with a whole host of other factors. If you will permit me to use a metaphor, these factors are comparable to ignition sources lighting a forest fire. Forest fires can be caused by camp fires, lightning strikes, etc, but they are only part of the equation. The other factor is the health of the forest. If the forest is dry, or even worse, loaded with dead wood or other fuel sources, it is only a matter of time before one ignition source or another ultimately lights the inferno. Focusing on ignition sources is helpful only in the short term, because sooner or later something is going to cause the whole thing to go up in flames.

We have the same kind of problem with modern marriage. Marriage has been systematically weakened for many decades. Each new cohort of women is encouraged to delay marriage longer and longer. No fault divorce and our family courts have replaced legal commitment with an encouragement for women to divorce, including the promise of cash and prizes. The culture, especially conservative Christian culture, despises husbands and views men who marry and have children with contempt. Where in the past husbands were seen as head of the household, a husband who sees himself in this way is quite literally engaging in crime-think. Should this crime-think be reported to the police, the husband will be arrested and forced to undergo reeducation/self criticism until he learns to view headship as a moral and legal offense...

So on the one hand we have a coordinated and very public feminist assault on the definition of marriage, which makes marriage far less appealing to men. On the other hand we have new substitutes to marriage like pornography. And all of the main factors (including pornography) trace their way back to feminism one way or another...

What we get instead of confronting reality is a constant dripping of articles like Pastor Fiene’s complaining about the weak men who are screwing feminism up. Make no mistake; it is true that this is happening. Weak men really are screwing feminism up. It is, however, absurd to focus on the problem in this way. No amount of shoring up will make the feminist model of marriage work, no matter how much conservatives like Fiene want it to work.

Nevertheless, this approach of denial and redirect has worked for decades, so it is understandable why men like Pastor Fiene would be tempted to keep doing it. There is, however, a growing threat to Pastor Fiene in his efforts to frame the problem as weak men screwing feminism up. As I noted last month, Millennials are responding to articles with this frame and pointing out the obvious absurdity of the denial based approach. Commenter Broderick responded to Fiene’s article exposing the feminist elephant in the room:

This article completely misses the mark. Perhaps it is true that many young men and women find more satisfaction in porn than in real relationships. But this is merely a symptom. In a competition between the virtual and real wherein the virtual wins, we should instead ask why the real has fallen so far.

In this millennial generation, this has much more to do with confused gender roles than with pornography. Feminism has taught women to be masculine competitors – they are not taught any of the feminine virtues to which Fiene alludes. Modern education (installed, also, with plenty of feminism) has taught men to be feminine subservients – they are not taught any of the masculine virtues to which Fiene alludes.

As a general rule, men are attracted to femininity and women to masculinity. This is hardwired.

With the above virtues gone, what else can a man be attracted to in a woman other than her body? Likewise for women with respect to men? At this point, a man may as well just use porn, because he gets all the benefits of a virtual body without the drawbacks and costs of entering a relationship with a masculine “strong independent woman” (who, I might add, needs that man about as much as a fish needs a bicycle).

Add in legal corruptions to marriage (no-fault divorce, a hostile family court system, etc.) and you’ll find that the pornographers are being entirely rational in their choice to forgo real relationships.

[Jamescm]

Pornography is an attention-hoarding, self-abusive, self-depreciating, addictive habit. People who become so addicted at young ages will be stuck with overpowering desires that their future spouse either can't, or won't fulfill.

Most in the Church are stuck on how bad it is to do, but they seldom look at the other side of it. A rapidly increasing ratio of women and girls participate in it. In addition, a man caught in its snare is no less of a victim that his wife. It isn't like alcohol or marijuana-you can't simply stop taking it whether gradually or immediately, because it is an important, innate, and extremely powerful part of you.

Furthermore, who wakes up one morning and says "You know what? Screw my eternal companion, I'm gonna go watch this now." What man who doesn't feel entirely neglected by his wife thinks to participate in such a thing? Imagine a man who has sacrificed his life and even career advancement opportunities in order to give the time and attention required and demanded by his wife and small children, sacrificing his every minute to work, school, or family. Imagine he wants something from his wife, who refuses to do so, who knowingly leaves him unfulfilled of his one greatest desire and hope in life. Should he turn to pornography, he will be the only social villain, judged as condemned by God when his wife is not.

Those in the Church who fall into this could be worse, though. They could be like the rest of the world, which pretends that there's nothing wrong with pornography at all as it writhes in abuse, non-commitment, and state-stolen children.

JohnnyL, that was a fantastically insightful post.

[Juliet]

Some porn addicts are victims of emotional incest in childhood. Emotional incest is when the parents are unhappily married, and so the mother uses the son to take care of her emotional needs, or the father uses the daughter to care for his emotional needs. It is a core issue that can cause men to be unavailable emotionally, since they harbor repressed needs that were not met in childhood, and porn is sometimes a way of getting revenge unconsciously for being emotionally taken advantage of by the mother.

[JohnnyL]

I wish the church would take much more time to talk about the forest than the spark. Yes, talk about the sparks--it's needed. Talk about it in an understandable way. And, talk about the forest.

I really, really wonder how many male Millenials church leaders have actually spoken to, researched, or even read about, with a true desire to understand.

Curing symptoms is easiest when the source of the disease is taken care of...

[AI2.0]

Nope. This article is helpful in some ways, and very hurtful and harmful in others.

The tone of the article, from beginning to end, is slanted and negative towards men. Not one mention of a woman (and I know there are many that have this problem).

If the majority of pornography users are male, then what about the females? How come males don't get an article telling them how they should feel, and how bad their wives are, when it happens the other way?

Oh, those percentages are closing; yet, do you think we would EVER see an article about pornography and women? Lol. Or women and novel soft porn? Or women nagging? Or ... ? Rarely, if ever.

In that article, was anything said about addiction? Not really--yet a social worker wrote this??

Here's an example of two experiences I was involved with: one sister committed adultery. No one outside of about four people knew about it. No one said anything. She was still a saint in many people's eyes. She was disfellowshipped. Years later, everything's ok. One brother looked at pornography (it was not nice stuff). He was released, excommunicated, people talked, many people knew about it; bad, bad man, for life; poor shamed wife.

What do you want , Johnny? You want the church to just ignore pornography and let men enjoy it in secret? YOu want the women to shut up and ignore it--tell themselves it's not a problem? What is it you want?

Don't tell me you want the church to get after women for reading soft porn novels--they would if it was a widespread problem, but it's obviously not. Sorry to have to make you face reality but pornography is a widespread problem for LDS men and it isn't for LDS women, yet. This isn't about the world in general, this is about LDS people--the church talks to them and the church is discussing this from the perspective of the needs of LDS.

Pornography use by LDS men is breaking up marriages, destroying their ability to lead spiritually and righteously in their homes and it's ruining lives--and making good single LDS men not fit potential husbands, because they can't be trusted, unless they can overcome this terrible plague. Yes, it's an addiction, but who cares!!! That isn't going to change the fact that it's taking a serious and terrible toll on the modern LDS family.

So, maybe instead of complaining about the church's attempts to offer some hope for LDS women who have to deal with this abomination and help them in their marriages, you could simply turn the page and not read the article, if it doesn't apply to you.

[AI2.0]

Some porn addicts are victims of emotional incest in childhood. Emotional incest is when the parents are unhappily married, and so the mother uses the son to take care of her emotional needs, or the father uses the daughter to care for his emotional needs. It is a core issue that can cause men to be unavailable emotionally, since they harbor repressed needs that were not met in childhood, and porn is sometimes a way of getting revenge unconsciously for being emotionally taken advantage of by the mother.

This is not something you should blame on 'bad' parenting, doing so is only piling more grief on good parents to blame them for the poor choices of their children. Pornography is a problem because men(and some women) are visually sexually stimulated by seeing naked women and sex acts. When they view it, it makes them feel ways that they enjoy, so they continue it. This is not hard to understand and when people are exposed to it, and they like the feeling they get when they view it, they tend to seek it out even more.

[Spaced_Out]

Pornography is possession by devils - the more it is spoken abut the evil the better and most people trapped in addiction deny the harm it is doing.
Like most alcoholics deny any wrongdoing till they come to their senses and see the harm they cause there is no turning away from the sin.

Telling woman how the should feel when a spouse goes down the road of self destruction is not necessary. But it is necessary for the addicted person to be made aware of the impacts of his choices.

To insinuate the church tells woman to feel bad and betrayed makes them feel bad and betrayed is simple stupid - any rational person will feel bad and betrayed...

[AI2.0]

Pornography is an attention-hoarding, self-abusive, self-depreciating, addictive habit. People who become so addicted at young ages will be stuck with overpowering desires that their future spouse either can't, or won't fulfill.

Most in the Church are stuck on how bad it is to do, but they seldom look at the other side of it. A rapidly increasing ratio of women and girls participate in it. In addition, a man caught in its snare is no less of a victim that his wife. It isn't like alcohol or marijuana-you can't simply stop taking it whether gradually or immediately, because it is an important, innate, and extremely powerful part of you.

Furthermore, who wakes up one morning and says "You know what? Screw my eternal companion, I'm gonna go watch this now." What man who doesn't feel entirely neglected by his wife thinks to participate in such a thing? Imagine a man who has sacrificed his life and even career advancement opportunities in order to give the time and attention required and demanded by his wife and small children, sacrificing his every minute to work, school, or family. Imagine he wants something from his wife, who refuses to do so, who knowingly leaves him unfulfilled of his one greatest desire and hope in life. Should he turn to pornography, he will be the only social villain, judged as condemned by God when his wife is not.

Those in the Church who fall into this could be worse, though. They could be like the rest of the world, which pretends that there's nothing wrong with pornography at all as it writhes in abuse, non-commitment, and state-stolen children.

JohnnyL, that was a fantastically insightful post.

No Jamescm, it wasn't.

When Heavenly Father sent us here, he gave us the freedom to choose. Maybe those who are 'stuck on how bad it is' are the victims, and they haven't been horrible spouses, they haven't done anything wrong, but have been loving and caring, except maybe they made the mistake of marrying a man (or woman) who had indulged in pornography(which was not disclosed) before they were married, and then, when they get stressed, turn to it again.

And they don't ever say 'Screw my eternal companion, I'm gonna go watch this now', because they aren't even thinking about their companion, they are only thinking about relieving the sexual tension and desire for stimulation that they want at that moment.

I'm sorry, but the man who looks at pornography for whatever reason, is responsible for his own choices and the damage he does to himself and to his family and marital relationship. If he thinks he's going to stand before the judgment of God and say, 'My wife didn't appreciate me and I was tired from work and my kids demanded my attention so I needed to take a little carnal pleasure for myself--and it was an addiction!!'... well, good luck. I don't think Heavenly Father's going to say, 'yea, you're right, you deserved a little sexual pleasure away from your wife every now and then and you're not to blame for the problems it caused, so don't worry about it'.

I don't think so.

[shadow]

Nope. This article is helpful in some ways, and very hurtful and harmful in others.

The tone of the article, from beginning to end, is slanted and negative towards men. Not one mention of a woman (and I know there are many that have this problem).

If the majority of pornography users are male, then what about the females? How come males don't get an article telling them how they should feel, and how bad their wives are, when it happens the other way?

It doesn't matter WHO is looking at the porn, the article made suggestions about how to handle your own life if your spouse has that issue. It doesn't matter if you're a husband or a wife, the tools used to move forward are the same. You read waaay too much into it. And the article didn't tell anyone HOW they should feel, but what to do about the feelings they're having, which are fairly universal. If my wife found out I was looking at porn she'd feel sad, demeaned and probably have doubts about herself. If I found out she were looking at porn I'd probably feel the same way. The article was meant to help those who are victims of an addicted spouse. It wasn't about the addiction. It didn't say anything about husbands being bad. It was a good article, and I'm a husband.

[shadow]

One of my daughters has been angry that society, even the Church, seems to get down on men too much.

One of my other daughters has been questioning the leaders of the Church for being so obsessed with sex issues in regards to control.

This is going to have a huge blowback in regards to the millennial population.

It looks like a missed parenting opportunity. Millenials need direction, even though they don't think they do. I've noticed comprehension levels with millennials are lacking. They think too much and don't actually know much of anything. Like your daughter questioning leaders of the church for being so obsessed with being controlling on sex issues, for example. They're really not. The doctrine hasn't changed, except maybe since the 70's when that one question was removed from the Temple recommend interview. It's all in the Bible and the BofM. Same stuff that's always been taught.

[Matchmaker]

Pornography isn't just about looking at pictures of naked women, naked men, or both! It's about all the stuff that takes place after it - the self-stimulation, the emotional and physical disconnect from a spouse, the lust for another, the fantasies, the loss of the Holy Spirit, the violation of temple covenants, and eventually, one day down the road, the visit to the porn shop, the prostitute, or the strip bar, and then the affair with someone at work or on the internet, or Heaven forbid, the molestation or abuse of a victim.

This is a plague, and it is destroying families in the Church and the world in record numbers.

[Zion2080]

Sorry JohnnyL, but the majority of ponorgraphy users are male. It is becoming a huge problem within the membership of the church. This article is awesome and helpful. Don't look for the negative. Look at the positive. In my opinion pornography is the "overflowing scourge and desolating sickness" that is spoken of in the scriptures concerning the last days. If you know someone involved in this, you know how awful a scourge it is! Nothing good comes from viewing pornography.

I'm thinking the same thing about the desolating sickness. Right on!

[vertigo]

Nope. This article is helpful in some ways, and very hurtful and harmful in others.

The tone of the article, from beginning to end, is slanted and negative towards men. Not one mention of a woman (and I know there are many that have this problem).

If the majority of pornography users are male, then what about the females? How come males don't get an article telling them how they should feel, and how bad their wives are, when it happens the other way?

It doesn't matter WHO is looking at the porn, the article made suggestions about how to handle your own life if your spouse has that issue. It doesn't matter if you're a husband or a wife, the tools used to move forward are the same. You read waaay too much into it. And the article didn't tell anyone HOW they should feel, but what to do about the feelings they're having, which are fairly universal. If my wife found out I was looking at porn she'd feel sad, demeaned and probably have doubts about herself. If I found out she were looking at porn I'd probably feel the same way. The article was meant to help those who are victims of an addicted spouse. It wasn't about the addiction. It didn't say anything about husbands being bad. It was a good article, and I'm a husband.

Exactly. It's not an attack on husband's at all, its focus is all on the WIFE and her behavior in trying to "fix" the situation. It's counsel for her, so she doesn't become controlling and obsessive. Which as you pointed out JohnnyL, is a problem some wives have right?

Or would you rather have it focus on wives with porn addictions, because I'm sure that's a bigger problem...

[JohnnyL]

Doesn't matter if you're a husband or wife, it was not a really good article.

The focus is not all on the wife--please reread the article, I guess.

Yes, it would be nice to have an article on wives with porn addictions. Write it, and I'll guarantee it doesn't see the light of day in any church outlet. ;) WHY?

For the many who seemed to miss it:

I wish the church would take much more time to talk about the forest than the spark. Yes, talk about the sparks--it's needed. Talk about it in an understandable way. And, talk about the forest.

Curing symptoms is easiest when the source of the disease is taken care of...

It was not a good article. It was good in some ways, hurtful and harmful in others.

[Juliet]

Some porn addicts are victims of emotional incest in childhood. Emotional incest is when the parents are unhappily married, and so the mother uses the son to take care of her emotional needs, or the father uses the daughter to care for his emotional needs. It is a core issue that can cause men to be unavailable emotionally, since they harbor repressed needs that were not met in childhood, and porn is sometimes a way of getting revenge unconsciously for being emotionally taken advantage of by the mother.

This is not something you should blame on 'bad' parenting, doing so is only piling more grief on good parents to blame them for the poor choices of their children. Pornography is a problem because men(and some women) are visually sexually stimulated by seeing naked women and sex acts. When they view it, it makes them feel ways that they enjoy, so they continue it. This is not hard to understand and when people are exposed to it, and they like the feeling they get when they view it, they tend to seek it out even more.

How it can feel good to share such a powerful bonding act with a picture of someone who cannot return any amount of relationship in return? The only result of such action is self loathing. Why would any one purposely plant their seed on cement and hope to get fruit from it in any form? It is just not something that sane and healthy people do. And no, it doesn't feel good. It kills the spirit. People don't just do that unless there is an underlying problem expressing itself in the sin.

Remember what we learn at church, we ought to love our enemies, we are to pray for those who despitefully use us, we ought to forgive them, because they know not what they do. I try to post my experience because I have learned to forgive my pedophile abusers. I recognize that they are mentally ill. Yes, they made bad choices, but the atonement can fix that when it is time. To think that parents are incapable of hurting their offspring by passing their genetic and emotional flaws down is denial, and even the scriptures explain how if the parents do not repent, their offspring will have the same opportunity to overcome the flaws of the parents. People are too hard hearted and judgemental of each other. Some people are able to quit cold turkey, but until we have answers that cause lasting healing and dissolve the problems of our day, the judgement needs to stop. It doesn't help anybody feel better and it only causes further alienation, pain, and many times, suicide. Knoweldge is power. There are answers to the problems of our day. I try to turn to the Lord because His spirit is truth. When we have the truth, no demon can bind us. And that truth points to love, and forgiveness, especially of ourselves, every single time.

[Spaced_Out]

Anyone who describes pron simply as looking at naked pictures is delusional about the impacts on a persons spirituality and mental health.

[vertigo]

Doesn't matter if you're a husband or wife, it was not a really good article.

The focus is not all on the wife--please reread the article, I guess.

Yes, it would be nice to have an article on wives with porn addictions. Write it, and I'll guarantee it doesn't see the light of day in any church outlet. ;) WHY?

For the many who seemed to miss it:

I wish the church would take much more time to talk about the forest than the spark. Yes, talk about the sparks--it's needed. Talk about it in an understandable way. And, talk about the forest.

Curing symptoms is easiest when the source of the disease is taken care of...

It was not a good article. It was good in some ways, hurtful and harmful in others.

I guess you take from it what you want to. I saw it as a focus on the wives and their process. and I guess you're upset because it didn't talk about what the husbands were going through? But I think the point of the article was for one side, and their healing. Whether the spouse that was hilighted was the wife or not, I found the advice helpful.

I'm not sure why the article offends you so much. But I assure you, articles like that are needed.

I have been one of those wives, and I can tell you how we react can be toxic as well. Not just to the marriage but to our mental health. When it happened to me it was in the early days, when it was just coming out of the dark, and all of the sudden you were hearing about it everywhere. At that time wives were excused is reacting any way they felt, after all who could blame them?

But without guidance it was easy to feel everything but healing, and anything but forgiveness.

To me that's what this article is focusing on. It's showing that no matter what the outcome, there is a better way and you can heal.

To turn it into an "anti-husband", or "anti-man" article shows a very defensive attitude. I get it, you're tired of hearing about how bad men are. If it helps, I have a much better perspective than I ever had before and I no longer think of men with porn addictions as evil people. And I honestly think bringing the issue to light has helped others see that too.

[BruceRGilbert]

Some porn addicts are victims of emotional incest in childhood. Emotional incest is when the parents are unhappily married, and so the mother uses the son to take care of her emotional needs, or the father uses the daughter to care for his emotional needs. It is a core issue that can cause men to be unavailable emotionally, since they harbor repressed needs that were not met in childhood, and porn is sometimes a way of getting revenge unconsciously for being emotionally taken advantage of by the mother.

This is not something you should blame on 'bad' parenting, doing so is only piling more grief on good parents to blame them for the poor choices of their children. Pornography is a problem because men(and some women) are visually sexually stimulated by seeing naked women and sex acts. When they view it, it makes them feel ways that they enjoy, so they continue it. This is not hard to understand and when people are exposed to it, and they like the feeling they get when they view it, they tend to seek it out even more.

How it can feel good to share such a powerful bonding act with a picture of someone who cannot return any amount of relationship in return? The only result of such action is self loathing. Why would any one purposely plant their seed on cement and hope to get fruit from it in any form? It is just not something that sane and healthy people do. And no, it doesn't feel good. It kills the spirit. People don't just do that unless there is an underlying problem expressing itself in the sin.

Remember what we learn at church, we ought to love our enemies, we are to pray for those who despitefully use us, we ought to forgive them, because they know not what they do. I try to post my experience because I have learned to forgive my pedophile abusers. I recognize that they are mentally ill. Yes, they made bad choices, but the atonement can fix that when it is time. To think that parents are incapable of hurting their offspring by passing their genetic and emotional flaws down is denial, and even the scriptures explain how if the parents do not repent, their offspring will have the same opportunity to overcome the flaws of the parents. People are too hard hearted and judgemental of each other. Some people are able to quit cold turkey, but until we have answers that cause lasting healing and dissolve the problems of our day, the judgement needs to stop. It doesn't help anybody feel better and it only causes further alienation, pain, and many times, suicide. Knoweldge is power. There are answers to the problems of our day. I try to turn to the Lord because His spirit is truth. When we have the truth, no demon can bind us. And that truth points to love, and forgiveness, especially of ourselves, every single time.

Thank you, Juliet - This is the "progressive" and "mature" approach to dealing with such things. We have a cultural phenomena developing here, akin to an "elastic rebound" situation. It is "cultural" because of an "attitude" that has been and is being developed. It is an arena that we all must learn to deal with because it strikes at the core of our "hard-wiring" and "carnal natures."

Titus 1:
15 Unto the pure all things are pure: but unto them that are defiled and unbelieving is nothing pure; but even their mind and conscience is defiled.

Romans 14:
13 Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother’s way.
14 I know, and am persuaded by the Lord Jesus, that there is nothing unclean of itself: but to him that esteemeth any thing to be unclean, to him it is unclean.
.
.
21 It is good neither to eat flesh, nor to drink wine, nor any thing whereby thy brother stumbleth, or is offended, or is made weak.
22 Hast thou faith? have it to thyself before God. Happy is he that condemneth not himself in that thing which he alloweth.

There are three stages to perfection and they are progressive - they involve the principles of Justification, Sanctification and Purification. The "Justified" person is one who is "innocent." Obviously, someone who is "innocent" is someone who is not guilty and; therefore, the directive to "go and hide" because of "nakedness" is not pertinent. The "Sanctified" person is one who is "holy." Obviously, someone who is "holy" has been "set apart" by themselves or someone else for a special, defined purpose. Finally, the "Purified" person is one who is "pure," implying "cleanliness" inside and out. This means, on the inside, pure and clean thoughts - as well as pure and clean feelings - both, mind and heart. Outside purity means to be clean from stain and spot.

When we obtain perfection, it will be because we are innocent, holy, and pure.