Do Bishops side with the men?

A place for conservative women to discuss true women's liberation, the role of women in healing America, the truth about feminism and more...
Bee Prepared
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2536

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Bee Prepared »

farmerchick wrote:Bee...First off...You have been given excellent advice/commentary and you don't need mine....but I feel I should give it. I am far to experienced with bad relationships than I would like to admit, but I have been happily (not perfectly) married for the last 13 years. I found out two important things..one has been said and that is you can only change yourself and the second thing is You train people how to treat you. I didn't like that last concept so well when someone pointed it out to me, but I found out it was true. If we except behavior that we don't approve of we get more of it. (just like children) If we don't except it and tell our spouse/children/parents ect, in a loving reasonable way, why and how it affects us and if they love us, They can/will change themselves. A wise woman doesn't talk alot, but she expects as good as she gives, and will take nothing less. Believe me that woman gets what she wants! You are awesome and you can have an awesome happy marriage...remember behind every great man is a greater woman....that is the truth. It really does take two to tango...great analogy.
Thanks farmerchick! I see you don't post often and I appreciate your experience.

We have been married 39 years. Married in the Temple, served diligently, etc. There have been a couple of times I got a funny feeling, but I soon felt my feeling was wrong. I agree that behind every great man is a great woman. Un-fortunately my husband served in the military ( no excuse) and
picked up some bad habits. I thought he was over them, apparently I was wrong. I am an assertive woman, my husband was raised in the church and agreed that we wanted to raise our children in a strong home, a home with scripture study, family home evening, pay tithing, attend the temple,
and it worked out well. Our son served an honorable mission and daughters married in the Temple and are wonderful women, raising strong families themselves. This has blind-sided me, and even though it was some time ago, its new to me.

While serving as YW President, I was often gone to girls camp, youth conferences, temple trips, treks, in other words, I was busy and gone from home a lot. My husband is such a good man, but even the best can make mistakes, we all can.

Everyday I am getting better and stronger. I have been reading, we are going to a counselor, and praying. Thank-you for taking the time to reply, as you said, I have been receiving excellent advice.

farmerchick
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2141

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by farmerchick »

You got this girl.....if the past is any indicator of the future..(and I believe it is)....you are good!!!

User avatar
markharr
Level 34 Illuminated
Posts: 6523

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by markharr »

Not sure if you have kids, but here is a kids perspective (I am no longer a kid, but I grew up in a broken family). My parents divorced in the mid 80's. I am sad to hear that there are still bishops who do this. I thought it was a problem that the church and largely fixed.

My father was addicted to pornography. He was also a man who didn't honor his priesthood. I found out years later that my mom who was a young women's leader in our ward didn't dare have the young women over to our house because she couldn't trust my father around them. After years of being told by our bishop to go home and be a good wife, she finally stopped caring what the bishop thought and divorced him. I was 12 at the time, and she left my brother and I with our father because she couldn't afford to care for my two sisters and my brother and I, and didn't dare leave my sisters with their father.

To say that my father was an absentee parent would be an understatement. There was always food in the house and a warm bed to sleep in but that was about it. I was free to do whatever I wanted at a vulnerable age. At the time I thought it was great, but now that I am grown I saw that it was a time where I developed a lot of bad habits. With no one encouraging me to go to church, I stopped going. I fell in with the bad crowd, found my fathers pornography collection and developed a habit that has taken me years to overcome. My mother, took my brother and I back within a couple of years when she could afford it (partially due to being awarded child support), but a lot of damage had been done by then. My mother had lost a lot of faith in the church at that point, and while she encouraged me to go to church, she stopped going. It is hard to force a teenager to go to church when you don't go, so I didn't start going back to church again until I was in my Sr. year of college.

I didn't go on a mission ( a decision I still consider to be my biggest regret), and it took me years to get my life back on track. Fortunately, I met my wife in college, and she has been someone who has put up with the baggage that I brought to the marriage, helped me overcome my bad habits, and helped to steer me back onto the straight and narrow.


I would echo the advice of others in that you should go to a professional marriage counselor. You should strongly consider what is best for your children. If the problems you are having are due to addiction, do everything you can to ensure that your children are not left with him unsupervised. This may seem hypocritical coming from me because I had my own addiction. The difference is that I knew I had a problem and was willing to do what it takes to overcome it. If someone who has an addiction refuses to acknowledge that they have a problem they will never overcome it. A marriage is a sacred thing, and you should do everything you can to preserve it, but not if it is going to negatively impact any children you may have.

If divorce is the path you take, don't make the mistake that a lot of women do, in being lenient when it comes to child support, and support of the children. He made his choice to have children, now he is at a minimum financially responsible for their well being.

As a side note, I have known at least two women who have forsaken their vows, and abandoned their husbands with the children as well. I would say the same about them. At a minimum they should be forced to contribute to the financial needs of their children.

Bee Prepared
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2536

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Bee Prepared »

farmerchick wrote:You got this girl.....if the past is any indicator of the future..(and I believe it is)....you are good!!!
:ymhug: :ymhug:

Bee Prepared
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2536

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Bee Prepared »

markharr wrote:Not sure if you have kids, but here is a kids perspective (I am no longer a kid, but I grew up in a broken family). My parents divorced in the mid 80's. I am sad to hear that there are still bishops who do this. I thought it was a problem that the church and largely fixed.

My father was addicted to pornography. He was also a man who didn't honor his priesthood. I found out years later that my mom who was a young women's leader in our ward didn't dare have the young women over to our house because she couldn't trust my father around them. After years of being told by our bishop to go home and be a good wife, she finally stopped caring what the bishop thought and divorced him. I was 12 at the time, and she left my brother and I with our father because she couldn't afford to care for my two sisters and my brother and I, and didn't dare leave my sisters with their father.

To say that my father was an absentee parent would be an understatement. There was always food in the house and a warm bed to sleep in but that was about it. I was free to do whatever I wanted at a vulnerable age. At the time I thought it was great, but now that I am grown I saw that it was a time where I developed a lot of bad habits. With no one encouraging me to go to church, I stopped going. I fell in with the bad crowd, found my fathers pornography collection and developed a habit that has taken me years to overcome. My mother, took my brother and I back within a couple of years when she could afford it (partially due to being awarded child support), but a lot of damage had been done by then. My mother had lost a lot of faith in the church at that point, and while she encouraged me to go to church, she stopped going. It is hard to force a teenager to go to church when you don't go, so I didn't start going back to church again until I was in my Sr. year of college.

I didn't go on a mission ( a decision I still consider to be my biggest regret), and it took me years to get my life back on track. Fortunately, I met my wife in college, and she has been someone who has put up with the baggage that I brought to the marriage, helped me overcome my bad habits, and helped to steer me back onto the straight and narrow.


I would echo the advice of others in that you should go to a professional marriage counselor. You should strongly consider what is best for your children. If the problems you are having are due to addiction, do everything you can to ensure that your children are not left with him unsupervised. This may seem hypocritical coming from me because I had my own addiction. The difference is that I knew I had a problem and was willing to do what it takes to overcome it. If someone who has an addiction refuses to acknowledge that they have a problem they will never overcome it. A marriage is a sacred thing, and you should do everything you can to preserve it, but not if it is going to negatively impact any children you may have.

If divorce is the path you take, don't make the mistake that a lot of women do, in being lenient when it comes to child support, and support of the children. He made his choice to have children, now he is at a minimum financially responsible for their well being.

As a side note, I have known at least two women who have forsaken their vows, and abandoned their husbands with the children as well. I would say the same about them. At a minimum they should be forced to contribute to the financial needs of their children.
Wow, thank-you for sharing your life experiences with me! You can still serve a mission someday, and what a great missionary you will be.

My son likes to tease me, he said in the pre-existence we picked our parents and when the Lord said, " Anybody looking for a challenge", I raised my hand! :D Our stories are similar, except that I had a wonderful Dad. My parents fought constantly, separated many times and we children basically lived in a war zone. They divorced after 49 years of marriage. I am the oldest daughter and my Mother always took issue with me. One of my earliest memories is her putting me out in an alleyway and driving away, this happened several times.

Anyway, some of us have a greater degree of difficulty in this life, but nobody goes without challenges. One of my friends had the most amazing parents, a wonderful childhood, but recently her son was killed in a tractor accident, so sad and a difficult challenge to work through. Although my childhood has left many scars, it also made me strong! I wanted my children to have peace, stability and an example. We worked hard at this, and my children are secure amazing people.

You are correct that a marriage is a sacred thing. My children were not involved with this problem. We are seeing a counselor and with the Lord's help we are slowly working through this. I was very offended at my Bishop's reaction to this problem, but it has caused me much reflection and a realization that I am not the only one who is hurting. I am learning a lesson about forgiveness. Hang in there, you are an amazing person!

User avatar
markharr
Level 34 Illuminated
Posts: 6523

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by markharr »

[quote="Bee Prepared]
Wow, thank-you for sharing your life experiences with me! You can still serve a mission someday, and what a great missionary you will be.

My son likes to tease me, he said in the pre-existence we picked our parents and when the Lord said, " Anybody looking for a challenge", I raised my hand! :D Our stories are similar, except that I had a wonderful Dad. My parents fought constantly, separated many times and we children basically lived in a war zone. They divorced after 49 years of marriage. I am the oldest daughter and my Mother always took issue with me. One of my earliest memories is her putting me out in an alleyway and driving away, this happened several times.

Anyway, some of us have a greater degree of difficulty in this life, but nobody goes without challenges. One of my friends had the most amazing parents, a wonderful childhood, but recently her son was killed in a tractor accident, so sad and a difficult challenge to work through. Although my childhood has left many scars, it also made me strong! I wanted my children to have peace, stability and an example. We worked hard at this, and my children are secure amazing people.

You are correct that a marriage is a sacred thing. My children were not involved with this problem. We are seeing a counselor and with the Lord's help we are slowly working through this. I was very offended at my Bishop's reaction to this problem, but it has caused me much reflection and a realization that I am not the only one who is hurting. I am learning a lesson about forgiveness. Hang in there, you are an amazing person![/quote]

Thank you! I know you will find resolution to your marital problem, because you are dedicated to fixing it.

Sunain
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2711
Location: Canada

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Sunain »

Bee Prepared wrote:Husband and I have been counseling with the bishop over some recent problems. I've thought we had the kindest Bishop in the church. Boy was I wrong. No matter what I say, he sides with my husband. He actually told me I was condemning my husband by speaking against him. Whoa, the truth
is not speaking against him. Most of you who know me, know that I never speak out against the brethren. This has been an awful experience! Testimony shaking if you will.

The Savior showed an unusual respect for women, He is my hero, not condescending men who place women as second.
I am in an area of the church where leaderships listening skills are extremely lacking and where nepotism, gossip and rumors have affects the lives many members of the church unfortunately. Don't even think for a second that the Savior condones these actions or that you are condemning yourself for speaking the truth.
Take upon you the name of Christ, and speak the truth in soberness” (D&C 18:21)
Listening is often most important thing a leader can do. A judge in Israel like any judge is supposed to listen to both sides of an argument. Unfortunately there are many in leadership positions that have preconceived notions, predetermined biases like you have experienced and also do not listen.

I am currently helping a friend that has been wrongfully judged by their leadership and has plenty of evidence to back themselves up but unfortunately it becomes a more difficult task when it includes bishopric and stake leaders especially when they feel threatened by those opposing them have experience, know the gospel, the doctrine and church procedure moreso than they do. Try sorting through issues when a third party Melchizedek Priesthood holder comes to the defense of an individual against local leaders, believe me its not pretty unfortunately. The church's bureaucracy has almost become a farce of late but that does not detract from the fact that the Gospel is true. At some time in the not to distant future, the Savior himself will return to take the reins of his church on Earth again. There are still many great leaders in His church today throughout the world leading by example, listening, loving and caring for each person in their local flocks.

Christ is our advocate with the Father. He knows our intents, thoughts and he loves each of us. Each of us has trials in this life that we have to overcome. My advice to you is to continue standing up for yourself and do your best to explain your side of the situation.

Bee Prepared
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2536

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Bee Prepared »

Sunain wrote:
Bee Prepared wrote:Husband and I have been counseling with the bishop over some recent problems. I've thought we had the kindest Bishop in the church. Boy was I wrong. No matter what I say, he sides with my husband. He actually told me I was condemning my husband by speaking against him. Whoa, the truth
is not speaking against him. Most of you who know me, know that I never speak out against the brethren. This has been an awful experience! Testimony shaking if you will.

The Savior showed an unusual respect for women, He is my hero, not condescending men who place women as second.
I am in an area of the church where leaderships listening skills are extremely lacking and where nepotism, gossip and rumors have affects the lives many members of the church unfortunately. Don't even think for a second that the Savior condones these actions or that you are condemning yourself for speaking the truth.
Take upon you the name of Christ, and speak the truth in soberness” (D&C 18:21)
Listening is often most important thing a leader can do. A judge in Israel like any judge is supposed to listen to both sides of an argument. Unfortunately there are many in leadership positions that have preconceived notions,. predetermined biases like you have experienced and also do not listen.

I am currently helping a friend that has been wrongfully judged by their leadership but unfortunately it becomes more difficult task when it includes bishopric and stake leaders. Christ is our advocate with the Father. He knows our intents, thoughts and he loves each of us. Each of us has trials in this life that we have to overcome. Continue standing up for yourself and do your best to explain your side of the situation.
Sometimes it seems that we women have to fight for respect. My Father was a very chauvinistic man, he loved me but I was a girl. The boys got the best of everything, while we girls got the scraps. Unfortunately its true. I have felt it in the church also. When I was YW Pres., I tried to be frugal with my budget, at the end of the year we had money left over. I was informed that any budget money not used was rolled over into the scouting program. Of course, they must have their super activities, while we were restricted to the limits of our Stake boundaries.

Now, it seems I have no credibility in the eyes of the Bishop .I definitely will continue standing up for myself, and I will no longer be talked down to by him. I have served with good men, and I'm sure he is one of them, but I am done talking to him. I will not let this shake my faith, I will continue to find comfort from the Savior and people who are trained in these matters.

farmerchick
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2141

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by farmerchick »

Wow Bee.....A bishop is only in for a short time....he will be gone before you know it....Usually five years tops..or you can move...lol...or you can hope the first presidency re-organizes the ward boundary...That happened for me a few years ago when my family was having a strange issue with a strange bishop....My non member husband was his supervisor and they didn't get along.....All of the sudden it was that thirty families were being reassigned to another smaller ward. The line was drawn right around my house... I seriously couldn't believe it.....If we had stayed in the other ward, my son wouldn't have been able to serve a mission...he served honorably... The Lord will work you around this. It really is all good....

Bee Prepared
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2536

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Bee Prepared »

farmerchick wrote:Wow Bee.....A bishop is only in for a short time....he will be gone before you know it....Usually five years tops..or you can move...lol...or you can hope the first presidency re-organizes the ward boundary...That happened for me a few years ago when my family was having a strange issue with a strange bishop....My non member husband was his supervisor and they didn't get along.....All of the sudden it was that thirty families were being reassigned to another smaller ward. The line was drawn right around my house... I seriously couldn't believe it.....If we had stayed in the other ward, my son wouldn't have been able to serve a mission...he served honorably... The Lord will work you around this. It really is all good....
Haha, I would insist on moving, but that really would cause a divorce! ( My husband hates moving) :D

You sent a son on a mission? What an accomplishment, you got it goin also!

farmerchick
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2141

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by farmerchick »

former yw prez too...just like you...:)

User avatar
rewcox
Level 34 Illuminated
Posts: 5873

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by rewcox »

Bee Prepared wrote:
farmerchick wrote:Wow Bee.....A bishop is only in for a short time....he will be gone before you know it....Usually five years tops..or you can move...lol...or you can hope the first presidency re-organizes the ward boundary...That happened for me a few years ago when my family was having a strange issue with a strange bishop....My non member husband was his supervisor and they didn't get along.....All of the sudden it was that thirty families were being reassigned to another smaller ward. The line was drawn right around my house... I seriously couldn't believe it.....If we had stayed in the other ward, my son wouldn't have been able to serve a mission...he served honorably... The Lord will work you around this. It really is all good....
Haha, I would insist on moving, but that really would cause a divorce! ( My husband hates moving) :D

You sent a son on a mission? What an accomplishment, you got it goin also!
I think a vortex is starting...

farmerchick
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2141

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by farmerchick »

Your very intuitive recox...I am my own vortex...sucking everyone in...lol

User avatar
A Random Phrase
Follower of Christ
Posts: 6468
Location: Staring at my computer, not sure whether to laugh or cry.

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by A Random Phrase »

By the way, in answer to the title of the thread, "Do Bishops side with men?" I would say, sometimes yes and sometimes no. I've had bishops who sided with them and bishops who didn't.

In fact, I've had a bishop who sided with me when the ex (then-spouse) went to him to complain about me - and I didn't even know anything about it until after the fact when then-spouse told me about it because he wanted to complain to me about the unfair treatment the bishop gave him.

carbon dioxide
captain of 100
Posts: 190

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by carbon dioxide »

Bee Prepared wrote:Husband and I have been counseling with the bishop over some recent problems. I've thought we had the kindest Bishop in the church. Boy was I wrong. No matter what I say, he sides with my husband. He actually told me I was condemning my husband by speaking against him. Whoa, the truth
is not speaking against him. Most of you who know me, know that I never speak out against the brethren. This has been an awful experience! Testimony shaking if you will.

The Savior showed an unusual respect for women, He is my hero, not condescending men who place women as second.
My only comment is don't let the actions of one man whether a bishop or not shake your testimony. Every bishop is different. If you are having problems with your bishop, got to your stake president if needed. Bishops have problems to. Perhaps they were called not because they were the most qualified in your ward but they have issues they need to overcome and this is one way they can overcome their problems.

Bee Prepared
captain of 1,000
Posts: 2536

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Bee Prepared »

carbon dioxide wrote:
Bee Prepared wrote:Husband and I have been counseling with the bishop over some recent problems. I've thought we had the kindest Bishop in the church. Boy was I wrong. No matter what I say, he sides with my husband. He actually told me I was condemning my husband by speaking against him. Whoa, the truth
is not speaking against him. Most of you who know me, know that I never speak out against the brethren. This has been an awful experience! Testimony shaking if you will.

The Savior showed an unusual respect for women, He is my hero, not condescending men who place women as second.
My only comment is don't let the actions of one man whether a bishop or not shake your testimony. Every bishop is different. If you are having problems with your bishop, got to your stake president if needed. Bishops have problems to. Perhaps they were called not because they were the most qualified in your ward but they have issues they need to overcome and this is one way they can overcome their problems.
Thanks carbon! Things are going much better now. My Bishop is a humble good man. He came to my home, talked to me at length. He smiled and asked if I was upset with him, I said a little and we both laughed. I have always been on the serving side, rarely on the receiving side. This was a new experience for me. After I pondered his words, I could see the wisdom in them. There needed to be time, time for resolution, time for forgiveness, and he knew that. I am amazed at what one can learn from challenges. I was not compassionate to the sinner, all I could think about was my feelings. Finally I realized that I was not the only one suffering. I still have problems controlling my thoughts, so I start humming a hymn, it helps. My favorite is, " I need Thee Every Hour." :D

The ward heretic
captain of 100
Posts: 289

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by The ward heretic »

Bee,
I hope things are going better for you and your husband from the time the OP was started.

The ward heretic
captain of 100
Posts: 289

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by The ward heretic »

Once a very frustrated Bishop called me up to get support concerning a "problem" couple. They were one of "those" kinds of families whose yard was full of weeds and garbage, their 6 kids were often ill clothed or even naked, the husband was chronically unemployed, the wife was crude, irresponsible, immature and ill mannered, and they were in the Bishops office vehemently complaining about each other almost every week. This bishop had sent them to counseling, but it wasn't accomplishing much.

He was at his wits end and asked me for help. I say OK. I get their phone number, and call them ( I know who they are, and they know me in a distant sort of way )

The wife answers the phone, and they are in the middle of a huge fight. He wanted to just leave, but she had ripped the spark plugs out of the car. Obviously, she was very VERY frustrated. I got her calmed down and talking to me, and then I got her to get her husband on another phone so they could both talk to me. In the next few minutes, I accomplished what the bishop and counselor had failed to do, by uncovering the deep perplexing problem really at the bottom of all this frustration. He and I spoke for 10 more minutes about what he needed to do to solve his problems, and then convinced him to call his bishop, who would see him immediately. I told the wife a few things, listened to her some more, with her finally saying in amazement to her husband " why are we going to a marraige counselor when we have her?" ( we weren't on the phone for much more than a half hour)

The bishop did see him immediately, and three hours later I received a call of relief and gratitude from him. Then this husband called me ( it was now late at night ) and crying very hard he thanked me for helping him with his wife chiming in with real REAL egret over the selfish spoiled brat she had been.
Wait, how is this any different from lizzy60's post when you accused her of gossip?

User avatar
ason123
captain of 50
Posts: 58

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by ason123 »

I am so sorry you had to go through that! A few years ago, my ex-husband and I were on the verge of divorce due to him emotionally abusing me. There came a point where I could not take it anymore and I arranged a meeting with the bishop to see if he could mediate or offer some kind of counsel to us as a couple. As we each told our side of the story in his office, I felt that the bishop and my husband had the "bro's look out for each other" mentality (he was kind of a young bishop), as my husband attempted to brand me as a crazy person. Bishop tried to convince me that it was not my husband's intent to upset me, and I might be reading into things too much. I was almost ready to never step foot in that office again. HOWEVER! I took a deep breath, and realized that my bishop is just like anyone else - he is not infallible. Most likely he had sympathy for my husband because he had been through something similar and he could relate to how men feel more than how women feel in a given situation. I continued to seek guidance from him separately from my then-husband. My bishop made time out of his busy schedule to try to help me (he always had to travel for work and I am sorry to say I probably stole him away from his family too many times during this hardship - I really am grateful that he did that for me). His heart was in the right place. As events in my marriage unfolded naturally, it was my dear bishop who convinced me that it is indeed not a sin to divorce someone that was emotionally abusive to me and that I deserved to be happy. He also guided me with professional counseling resources (and yes, the option for the church to pay for it was there but I didn't let them pay - that was just way too generous). I am so thankful to him. He started out not knowing the full truth about my situation, siding with what he could relate to initially. He ended as one of my greatest allies and support pillars as my divorce became a reality. Thanks in large part to him, I was able to move on and am now married to someone who is just as kind and wonderful as can be. Don't give up on your bishop. Give it another try, but maybe talk to your bishop separately from your husband (who may make unhelpful remarks as you are trying to stay collected and give your side of the story). At the very least, he may be able to direct you to someone who will be way more helpful than him. :D

Faith
captain of 10
Posts: 37

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Faith »

I am a faithful member. I have unfortunately gained a strong witness that Bishops do not have many answers, can sometimes take the man's side, and are not always guided by God in the advise they give. Can they be guided at times in our behalf? sure. But it is for us to seek and know if they are guiding us correctly and by the spirit - or not.

But we can forgive and realize they are much like ourselves . . . just trying to understand people and trying to do things to the best they know how. This had brought me the most peace.

My bishop's counsel at first was to watch the movie "the incredibles", and to see how the couple in that movie ends up getting along. As time went by I decided I needed a small amount of time apart from my husband and was told in a blessing that it would be okay for me to do and that God would support me. My bishop told me that if I truly wanted time to "find myself" like I had mentioned, that all 5 of our children would be in the care of my husband during our separation the entire time so I could truly be alone to find myself. Even my husband's eyes widened because he works two jobs he couldn't even imagine how such a crazy scenario would work. I was also quizzed about the worthiness of my brother who gave me the priesthood blessing, and that was brushed aside. They really don't have all the answers for marriage problems and should refer you to a counselor.

User avatar
BYULAWGUY
captain of 50
Posts: 71

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by BYULAWGUY »

Bee Prepared wrote:Husband and I have been counseling with the bishop over some recent problems. I've thought we had the kindest Bishop in the church. Boy was I wrong. No matter what I say, he sides with my husband. He actually told me I was condemning my husband by speaking against him. Whoa, the truth
is not speaking against him. Most of you who know me, know that I never speak out against the brethren. This has been an awful experience! Testimony shaking if you will.

The Savior showed an unusual respect for women, He is my hero, not condescending men who place women as second.
As a divorce lawyer and former bishop, bishops are not trained at all on how to handle couples with marriage issues. That is not their role and do their best. Bishops need to refer out counseling to therapists and work on just the spiritual issues of the members.

User avatar
skmo
captain of 1,000
Posts: 4495

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by skmo »

Abinadi wrote:Most bishops are not qualified to give "advice".
I would only qualify that to say bishops are qualified to give advice on that which falls under their purview. They can help you with your callings, they can help lead you in church service, and if you are in need of advice on how to obtain forgiveness for severe sins they can do that. Beyond that, a truly good bishop will not try to give marital counselling (unless that's his vocation, and even then I doubt they'd go very far in since it would be a conflict of interest) or emotional counselling for mental problems. They should only be helping you find a qualified, licensed counsellor. I would avoid LDS Social Services, every LDS counsellor, therapist, and social worker I've ever known has said the same thing. I had one girl I was dating, working on getting her MSW say if the only option available was LDS Social Services, go out for Chinese food and see what the fortune cookie said.

Son of Liberty
captain of 100
Posts: 177

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Son of Liberty »

This post is not of the spirit

MIK
Hi, I'm new.
Posts: 2

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by MIK »

I know this is off topic. But has anyone ever heard where the Church would endorse a structured seperation in a marriage?
I would understand is abuse was involved. My understanding is that the church teaches to stick together and work it out, if possible. Seperation (even structured) gives way to even futher problems.
Any thoughts? Or maybe a talk that addresses this issue.

Thanks!

User avatar
Robin Hood
Level 34 Illuminated
Posts: 13109
Location: England

Re: Do Bishops side with the men?

Post by Robin Hood »

Faith wrote:I am a faithful member. I have unfortunately gained a strong witness that Bishops do not have many answers, can sometimes take the man's side, and are not always guided by God in the advise they give. Can they be guided at times in our behalf? sure. But it is for us to seek and know if they are guiding us correctly and by the spirit - or not.

But we can forgive and realize they are much like ourselves . . . just trying to understand people and trying to do things to the best they know how. This had brought me the most peace.

My bishop's counsel at first was to watch the movie "the incredibles", and to see how the couple in that movie ends up getting along. As time went by I decided I needed a small amount of time apart from my husband and was told in a blessing that it would be okay for me to do and that God would support me. My bishop told me that if I truly wanted time to "find myself" like I had mentioned, that all 5 of our children would be in the care of my husband during our separation the entire time so I could truly be alone to find myself. Even my husband's eyes widened because he works two jobs he couldn't even imagine how such a crazy scenario would work. I was also quizzed about the worthiness of my brother who gave me the priesthood blessing, and that was brushed aside. They really don't have all the answers for marriage problems and should refer you to a counselor.
Why on earth burden a bishop with your marriage problems?
He is not some kind of superman. He's just an ordinary member of the congregation who said "yes" when the Lord came calling.
He is actually president of the Aaronic priesthood and does not, therefore, hold the spiritual keys you would need.
Poor bloke. You should have known better.

Post Reply