husband trying to recover from porn addiction

[Sirocco]

My ex-husband was a porn addict a good 10 years before we married. After awhile the porn wasn't enough, he had to upgrade and visit strip clubs and was into phone sex. We had a very healthy intimate life in our marriage, so I was shell shocked when 9 years into out marriage I discovered all this. This was around the time he started getting abusive towards me, which was the main reason I divorced him. After the divorce he sought my forgiveness, although even then he hadn't beat his porn addiction. But at least he was finally truthful with me. He admitted to me that he looked in upwards of about 30 hours of porn per week and had done so for the last 15 to 20 yrs. .

Jeez even in my teenage years I didn't come close to that. Like nowhere in the same ballpark, and I didn't (and still don't) have a girlfriend or wife or anything beyond some casual...with friends... Moving on.
That's insane... like unreal insane.
Jeez.

[freedomforall]

One of the problems that arises is that men having viewed porno for a long time get used to seeing women with hour glass figures and when their wife isn't blessed with one, before, during and after bearing children, some men become uninterested in a less than a sexy body. They want a trophy, not a beautiful woman on the inside. When a man finally sees what they truly have, their wife is the most beautiful person no matter what their body looks like. I believe some women don't mind having a fat husband/boyfriend/fiance, so it works both ways. Some people see where beauty really is in both genders.

SEE: https://www.lds.org/new-era/2008/11/tru ... y?lang=eng" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; True Beauty

And: https://www.lds.org/manual/eternal-marr ... n?lang=eng" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; Mate Selection

[Sirocco]

Much more keen on the personality myself, though a lot of people have lousy ones...
And no matter how "good" I ever was, I would not have any success in marriage with most people. It needs more then that, there has to be love or some desire to be around the other person.
Living day in and out with someone... I've never come close to meeting someone like that. Even if I had the same odd belief system as she did.
What will we have together? I wouldn't want to spend all of this life built on a foundation like that, letalone if there is an afterlife...
For me growing up meant I would get to live alone, and that wonderful dream kept me going in all those harsh teenage years.
I hardly think my "ideal" exists and don't care to try these days, but for more normal folk, what with how marriage (namely divorce) is going nowadays, obviously someone has got to come up with some new advice?
I understand what they're doing, or trying to do...a single person is far more likely to walk away from a church then a married one who's whole family is in it.

I know and have always known real women aren't like that, it's a pure fantasy and the real issue arises when someone can't separate fantasy from reality (there's a lot of other instances, non pornographic even that people do the same sort of thing, but I won't get into that now.

[oneClimbs]

"For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself… And it is not only the faculty of love which is thus sterilized, forced back on itself, but also the faculty of imagination.

The true exercise of imagination, in my view, is (a) To help us to understand other people (b) To respond to, and, some of us, to produce, art. But it has also a bad use: to provide for us, in shadowy form, a substitute for virtues, successes, distinctions etc. which ought to be sought outside in the real world—e.g. picturing all I’d do if I were rich instead of earning and saving. Masturbation involves this abuse of imagination in erotic matters (which I think bad in itself) and thereby encourages a similar abuse of it in all spheres. After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”

- Letter C. S. Lewis sent in 1956 to Keith Masson

[Sirocco]

While I don't think masturbation is a bad thing, it certainly can take over peoples frame of mind. The mind is a powerful tool and I have known many who live on fantasy and not reality.
To me the fantasy should be a true fantasy if I am imagining it, say me flying like a bird, visiting an alien world or some such thing, usually thought up for a book of any genre.
But the touch of myself and my own company I know will never come close to the touch and company of another.
Fantasy ultimately cannot hold a candle to reality, once you have tasted reality.

[russdm]

Self Erased

[Sirocco]

*Shrug*

My problems mainly stem from Church Imbued issues and using not-so-wonderful coping methods, Having Autism doesn't help at all. Of course with my problems, I can basically write off any LDS women as possible future partners as they will likely not want to have anything to do with me and those like me, no matter how I change so it's better off finding someone outside the LDS Craze culture or simply not have relationships really. (Thanks to the church for more all or nothing black or white thinking) I recognize this, and accept it though I still at times think about relationships with LDS types before remembering that is impossible. Be forgiving of other's problems yet receive no forgiveness for your own. I can still comfort myself in the fact that I am not spreading pain around for these pure individuals from those of us who are flawed.

I understand all too well how you feel, birds of the same flock you and I

[Fiannan]

*Shrug*

My problems mainly stem from Church Imbued issues and using not-so-wonderful coping methods, Having Autism doesn't help at all. Of course with my problems, I can basically write off any LDS women as possible future partners as they will likely not want to have anything to do with me and those like me, no matter how I change so it's better off finding someone outside the LDS Craze culture or simply not have relationships really. (Thanks to the church for more all or nothing black or white thinking) I recognize this, and accept it though I still at times think about relationships with LDS types before remembering that is impossible. Be forgiving of other's problems yet receive no forgiveness for your own. I can still comfort myself in the fact that I am not spreading pain around for these pure individuals from those of us who are flawed.

Have you ever considered online LDS sites for finding dates? I believe you might be surprised how many LDS women out there are not all that concerned with issues like occasional porn temptations. Not all LDS women are the same, the ones who are not tend not to announce it too loudly though. At least online dating allows you to weed out the "perfect" ones.

[freedomforall]

At least online dating allows you to weed out the "perfect" ones.

Perfect ones? :)) :)) :)) There is no such thing as a "perfect" woman...unless they have been cleansed from all sin by the blood of the lamb, Jesus Christ. And the only "perfect" man, of course, was Jesus, himself. In which case the same rule applies to men also. See Moroni 10:32,33
So weed away, and good luck. And there is absolutely no justification or reasonable excuse for porno use. Any of us can and will fall, will sin one way or another...and God allows not one sin into his kingdom, therefore, we all must repent and strive to be clean at all times, no matter how many times we fall. We must get back up and try again. God accepts no excuses, only repentance with full purpose of heart and real intent from all of us. It's in the book.

[Sirocco]

At least online dating allows you to weed out the "perfect" ones.

Perfect ones? :)) :)) :)) There is no such thing as a "perfect" woman...unless they have been cleansed from all sin by the blood of the lamb, Jesus Christ. And the only "perfect" man, of course, was Jesus, himself. In which case the same rule applies to men also. See Moroni 10:32,33
So weed away, and good luck. And there is absolutely no justification or reasonable excuse for porno use. Any of us can and will fall, will sin one way or another...and God allows not one sin into his kingdom, therefore, we all must repent and strive to be clean at all times, no matter how many times we fall. We must get back up and try again. God accepts no excuses, only repentance with full purpose of heart and real intent from all of us. It's in the book.

Well good thing I am not trying to date God lol

I never liked dating sites because I guess I am far more charming online then real life.
So when they meet me in real life, they don't care for me, I donno if russdm up there has the same issue but, since we are branches off the same disorder, I'd be willing to bet maybe.
But then again I've never dated an LDS woman, most of them at church don't talk to me (when I go) :))

[freedomforall]

At least online dating allows you to weed out the "perfect" ones.

Perfect ones? :)) :)) :)) There is no such thing as a "perfect" woman...unless they have been cleansed from all sin by the blood of the lamb, Jesus Christ. And the only "perfect" man, of course, was Jesus, himself. In which case the same rule applies to men also. See Moroni 10:32,33
So weed away, and good luck. And there is absolutely no justification or reasonable excuse for porno use. Any of us can and will fall, will sin one way or another...and God allows not one sin into his kingdom, therefore, we all must repent and strive to be clean at all times, no matter how many times we fall. We must get back up and try again. God accepts no excuses, only repentance with full purpose of heart and real intent from all of us. It's in the book.

Well good thing I am not trying to date God lol

I never liked dating sites because I guess I am far more charming online then real life.
So when they meet me in real life, they don't care for me, I donno if russdm up there has the same issue but, since we are branches off the same disorder, I'd be willing to bet maybe.
But then again I've never dated an LDS woman, most of them at church don't talk to me (when I go) :))

There is nothing wrong with asking God to provide a woman for you. You must be sincere though. You can ask for qualities in a woman as well, you feel would be essential. I don't think you can ask for a beauty queen, but you can ask for a kind, righteous, loving, understanding and good woman. One who enjoys the same things you do, like sports, hiking, fishing, you know, things like this.
You can ask to have her face revealed to you.
I've been married for nearly twenty years to a wonderful woman I asked for. Believe me, there are women that will accept you for who you are, you just have to be committed to make the jump (exercise faith) when the opportunity comes up.
I know this method works. I did it

[Sirocco]

I have a lot of... odd interests people generally don't get into much (or if they do, they don't date people within that circle). I am far from righteous and wouldn't ask for the same, it'd be unfair to her lol
And what if I do ask and her "face is revealed" and she doesn't like me back.
Opportunity doesn't come up for socially awkward introverts, I dare say it doesn't exist.
Most people are pretty outgoing and understand others and all that. I don't. I understand myself and solitude.
Part of that forms my opinion on things like pornography or friends with benefits, once upon a time I thought something special would come and all that might take away from it happening. But I know now, that it won't happen and I don't have shame about pornography because there is not going to be any marriage or love in my life.
Not everyone gets to have that, we all are dealt a certain hand in life, and this is mine.

[freedomforall]

I have a lot of... odd interests people generally don't get into much (or if they do, they don't date people within that circle). I am far from righteous and wouldn't ask for the same, it'd be unfair to her lol
And what if I do ask and her "face is revealed" and she doesn't like me back.
Opportunity doesn't come up for socially awkward introverts, I dare say it doesn't exist.
Most people are pretty outgoing and understand others and all that. I don't. I understand myself and solitude.
Part of that forms my opinion on things like pornography or friends with benefits, once upon a time I thought something special would come and all that might take away from it happening. But I know now, that it won't happen and I don't have shame about pornography because there is not going to be any marriage or love in my life.
Not everyone gets to have that, we all are dealt a certain hand in life, and this is mine.

Maybe it's time to ask for a new deck of cards.

[Sirocco]

I have a lot of... odd interests people generally don't get into much (or if they do, they don't date people within that circle). I am far from righteous and wouldn't ask for the same, it'd be unfair to her lol
And what if I do ask and her "face is revealed" and she doesn't like me back.
Opportunity doesn't come up for socially awkward introverts, I dare say it doesn't exist.
Most people are pretty outgoing and understand others and all that. I don't. I understand myself and solitude.
Part of that forms my opinion on things like pornography or friends with benefits, once upon a time I thought something special would come and all that might take away from it happening. But I know now, that it won't happen and I don't have shame about pornography because there is not going to be any marriage or love in my life.
Not everyone gets to have that, we all are dealt a certain hand in life, and this is mine.

Maybe it's time to ask for a new deck of cards.

You only get one in life! lol

But I'll humour you, how do you go about changing such things?

[freedomforall]

I have a lot of... odd interests people generally don't get into much (or if they do, they don't date people within that circle). I am far from righteous and wouldn't ask for the same, it'd be unfair to her lol
And what if I do ask and her "face is revealed" and she doesn't like me back.
Opportunity doesn't come up for socially awkward introverts, I dare say it doesn't exist.
Most people are pretty outgoing and understand others and all that. I don't. I understand myself and solitude.
Part of that forms my opinion on things like pornography or friends with benefits, once upon a time I thought something special would come and all that might take away from it happening. But I know now, that it won't happen and I don't have shame about pornography because there is not going to be any marriage or love in my life.
Not everyone gets to have that, we all are dealt a certain hand in life, and this is mine.

Maybe it's time to ask for a new deck of cards.

You only get one in life! lol

But I'll humour you, how do you go about changing such things?

It's done in asking God to heal your soul.

Psalms 41:4
4 I said, Lord, be merciful unto me: heal my soul; for I have sinned against thee.

D&C 61:2
2 Behold, verily thus saith the Lord unto you, O ye elders of my church, who are assembled upon this spot, whose sins are now forgiven you, for I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts;

When this is done properly, you will have a new look on life and a greater appreciation for the atonement. And you will be able to see yourself in a whole new light.

[Sirocco]

Less about how I see myself and more accepting I am a bizarre person whom doesn't get along very well with others lol
Is less about me and more about them, I see myself in a pretty good light and enjoy what I do, others do not.

I know where a healing of ones soul could come into usefulness, in my life, but I don't think finding a mate is one of those things.

[russdm]

Self Erased

[Sirocco]

D&C 61:2
2 Behold, verily thus saith the Lord unto you, O ye elders of my church, who are assembled upon this spot, whose sins are now forgiven you, for I, the Lord, forgive sins, and am merciful unto those who confess their sins with humble hearts;

When this is done properly, you will have a new look on life and a greater appreciation for the atonement. And you will be able to see yourself in a whole new light.

Right, I did that repeatedly with my bishop, the confess the sin then go cold turkey and then screw up repeat for an issue (M), and I found that it didn't help at all. All I came away with was feeling worse for screwing up repeatedly and feeling like a horrible person who was sinning and not at all committed to doing what God wanted. Then it just continued on, with me feeling more worse with every subsequent screw-up. I tried the church's ARP and it didn't seem to make any difference. Then I learned about having Autism and messiness which helped to realize why I screwed up like clockwork in a way. Of course, the more I read, the more I realize that what the Church taught was barely covering the reality of how anything works.

I like most things about myself, except for everything church related says I should be, which means I end up disliking a large amount of myself and endlessly blame myself for mistakes. The Church really doesn't do a great job of encouraging mental stability or mental ease.

I am never going to be able to remove my Autism or make it not be a part of me. It help feeds my problems with methods of coping, but I don't see the church's solution for these problems (Sing a hymn, pray, read your scriptures) really working out well. I have already tried them and continue to use them somewhat, but find them lacking. It doesn't help applying certain church ideas about certain events. (I had a bad experience with a girl older than I was when young, I thought nothing of it until I heard more about Joseph[in Egypt] and the whole running away thing, which essentially meant I was guilty of letting things happen. So, Victim-Blaming) Thanks, Church, you preach exactly what Jesus wanted...

I knew from the get go it was all nonsense and never let it sink into my head.
I don't need them telling me how bad I am, the world does a fine job of that already lol
But really I was always told, and heard that you'll never live up to God's expectations, so what's the point really?
If I am going to fail then I will at least fail with a bit of joy in this life, not suffer, and still failing.
So when I do go, and I don't think I would ever legit commit, I go when I feel up to it, when I feel it could help.
I don't take it all too seriously, too close to my heart, I certainly don't obey a lot of what they say.
It doesn't bother me, ultimately I take away from it is i should try and be a good person, be happy and find a peace in life.
I don't feel I need temple ordinances or talking to a bishop who asks if I watch porn or not, or if I drink tea or not.
Because I don't think religion should be that, and at very least I won't let it be that in my life.

[freedomforall]

bump

[Fiannan]

Brigham Young said that it was better to be one step out of hell and heading to heaven than one step out of heaven and heading to hell.

You know, I think it is sad that there are those who beat themselves up over not measuring up. The whole guilt thing is Satan's greatest tool to hinder people's progression. Sadly many people look to others as being better than them, more worthy, more in touch with God and the like. You know, everyone has something that is nasty about them as well as something noteworthy. A porn star might actually be highly devoted to God but a minister who preaches against porn might be having an affair with his male deacon. It happens. An LDS politician might thumb their nose at the Church in public but still be celebrated but a 16 year old goes into severe depression because he or she cannot stop...well, you know.

I always say that there was only one perfect individual on earth and, to borrow from young-people's vocabulary, He was pretty chill on sin and all. His advice was to strive to get to perfection, to sin no more, and that pretty much entails setting goals and, as with all goals, there are successes and their are failures, but to grow you emphasize your successes and push forward. Do more good than bad, be of service to your fellow man, help them, expose them to the Gospel and that will blot out those sins you cannot totally overcome.

[WarMonger]

As has been discussed porn addiction is the worst form of addiction there is - most difficult of all the addictions to break. If a person views porn best to flee from them like Joseph in Egypt in the opposite direction even if it lands you in "jail" a far better result. If you have a family member addicted they need serious help - most are not able to overcome it without assistance.

Gordon B. Hinckley, President of the Church; "Pornography is like a raging storm, destroying individuals and families, utterly ruining what was once wholesome and beautiful." that is the end result there is no middle ground or grey area.

[WarMonger]

that will blot out those sins you cannot totally overcome.

All sin needs to be overcome, even if it simply means enduring to the end. Porn will either enslave you to the addiction or you overcome it. No such thing as I will be a good guy in all aspects and still watch occasional porn. It will consume you and the chains made strong around you and start to affect all other aspects of your life.

[Fiannan]

All sin overcome in this life? Heaven will be a lonely place, won't it?

As for "porn addiction" which does not exist in psychology, I suppose there is a cure...a man or woman getting so old that they lose any and all interest in sex so there is no longer any temptation.

You cannot cure an interest in sex, you can only control it. The ultimate cure to to take a lesson from our parent religion, Judaism, and increase lust and desire between a husband and wife so they have no room for porn in their lives.

Of course maybe the more temptation a person has for things that are sinful the more missionary work they should do because that will indeed blot out a lot of the sins in the eternal records, won't it? Or is this scripture wrong?

James 5:20

Let him know, that he who converts the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.

[WarMonger]

One cant preach the gospel without the spirit, "If you receive not the spirit thou shalt not teach", cant preach if you are breaking a cardinal sin.
One can overcome the sin of porn and temptation to commit it again, plenty have done it, You have to pick up your cross and carry it.
Clean mind is a prerequisite to have the Holy Ghost, without the the guidance of the Holy Ghost failure is guaranteed, and you will loose all desire for spiritual things, that is the nature of porn. To say only old men can overcome it is simply not true, you either overcome it or it overcomes you. It has deep psychological effect on your relationships with others and your personality is altered in the process.

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.
46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

[Fiannan]

One cant preach the gospel without the spirit, "If you receive not the spirit thou shalt not teach", cant preach if you are breaking a cardinal sin.
One can overcome the sin of porn and temptation to commit it again, plenty have done it, You have to pick up your cross and carry it.
Clean mind is a prerequisite to have the Holy Ghost, without the the guidance of the Holy Ghost failure is guaranteed, and you will loose all desire for spiritual things, that is the nature of porn. To say only old men can overcome it is simply not true, you either overcome it or it overcomes you. It has deep psychological effect on your relationships with others and your personality is altered in the process.

Okay, first, what is porn? I was sitting with my daughter today watching a Bugs Bunny cartoon and, hanging on the wall of Elmer Fudd's living room, was a portrait of a naked woman. Now while I doubt you will call the cartoon a porn movie what it does remind me of is that in the 1950s and 1960s it was quite common for middle class Americans to have artistic nude portraits in their homes. At the same time it was very much the rule that if you went into an auto shop there would be naked pin-up posters hanging on the wall. Even one of the original Tarzan movies from the 1930s has a couple minutes of Jane swimming naked -- yes, it is nude. And back to the cartoon thing much of the humor is quite sexual and tends to illustrate that there was a strong working class attitude on sex that saw flirtation (today called harassment) as totally acceptable.

Now my question is, are sexual morals stronger today with American double-moral puritanism + third wave feminism in control? One could argue that morality declines as people develop more hangups about sex and sexuality. The more one attempts to repress instinctual desires the more they come out in other ways. This may explain why so many people in Utah today search out porn on the internet or why you will find searches for such films that feature inter-racial scenes highest in the more conservative areas of the deep south, or gay porn searches the highest per capita from Pakistan.

I personally see porn as a waste of time, a diversion supported by the US government to pacify the masses, the ultimate apex of capitalistic expression and exploitation and a substitute for young people to find meaningful relationships and marriage. So no, I do not see it as overall a positive aspect of American culture. However, maybe because I was raised not to make a big deal of it I do not feel these horrific temptations many conservative people appear to feel. And while there might be an appeal on an instinctive level the attraction to such material is not in and of itself a sin. And as for sin you call it a "cardinal sin?" That is a Catholic concept that is often associated with the "7 Deadly Sins" which, originally was 8 but many people felt they should delete overeating as it might offend a few people. These are listed here:

The modern concept of the seven deadly sins is linked to the works of the 4th century monk Evagrius Ponticus, who listed eight evil thoughts in Greek as follows:[6]

Γαστριμαργία (gastrimargia) gluttony
Πορνεία (porneia) prostitution, fornication
Φιλαργυρία (philargyria) avarice
Ὑπερηφανία (hyperēphania) hubris – sometimes rendered as self-esteem[7]
Λύπη (lypē) sadness – in the Philokalia, this term is rendered as envy, sadness at another's good fortune
Ὀργή (orgē) wrath
Κενοδοξία (kenodoxia) boasting
Ἀκηδία (akēdia) acedia – in the Philokalia, this term is rendered as dejection

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Personally I do not believe porn falls into a horrendous sin as you cannot be excommunicated for it. And if, as many say, the majority of LDS men and a fair number of LDS women at least occasionally make use of this stuff are we willing to say the Church is devoid of the Spirit? And lastly, are you saying that age does not change things? Most very elderly people do not have much of a sex drive left so it is doubtful they would, even if when younger they indulged in this activity, would see it as a temptation anymore, so age can cure certain aspects of human beings. And I am sure asexual people have few temptations in this area as well.