Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

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jdawg1012
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by jdawg1012 »

Ok, I decided to remove the Kleenex review, in case it brought someone traumatic feelings. Thanks for the thanks, though.
Last edited by jdawg1012 on November 3rd, 2014, 2:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

kathedralegs
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by kathedralegs »

=)) =)) =)) I'm glad you gave into the temptation.

redj
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by redj »

Hes a young kid going through puberty it was bound to happen. If you havent had the talk with him now would probably be a good time. Then just let him know that porn isn't something one should watch. But he'll most likely watch it again in the future, just happens. I do agree with obrien Just talk to him as parents no need to send him to the bishop.

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Strawberry
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Strawberry »

ajax wrote:So he's curious about sex. Big deal. Aren't we all? He's normal. What he needs now is mature parents who I suppose regularly have sex to talk to him about it in an educational and non-judgemental way.

Do you cover his eyes if he watches the nature channel? ;)
Hi Ajax,
That was my first thought when I caught him doing it - he's a normal boy :D

We don't have a tv so I'm not familiar with the nature channel. We speak pretty open about sexuality in our home though. Don't know if this is a good thing or bad? :-ss

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brlenox
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by brlenox »

Obrien wrote:amen pjb - in fact, one of the points DU spoke about at the 96 stake stake conference today in az was that temples are for imperfect people. he stated that the temples would be empty if only perfect people were allowed in them. too bad stake presidents and bishops get this vision after they are released.
My point is that some of them get this while they are Bishops and Stake presidents and if you as an individual make a blanket determination to shut off one of the tools at your disposal by saying I will NEVER invite a bishop into my family matters you then deny the spirit a tool of guidance that it may attempt to guide you to seek out. It may tell you not to as well. Good enough but way too many of you are all to willing to shut down an inspiration on points of order within the Church to your own condemnation. My point is you need to be listening and doing what ever you are guided to do in such situations and not shutting doors that may be just the correct one.

boo
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by boo »

[quote="Strawberry" We speak pretty open about sexuality in our home though. Don't know if this is a good thing or bad? :-ss[/quote]
It is a good thing . The 3 most reliable predictors of a successful marriage are 1 how long you knew the person, 2 how successful your parents marriage was and 3 how openly sexual issues were discussed in your home growing up. See you are on the right track.

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FoxMammaWisdom
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by FoxMammaWisdom »

brlenox wrote:
Obrien wrote:amen pjb - in fact, one of the points DU spoke about at the 96 stake stake conference today in az was that temples are for imperfect people. he stated that the temples would be empty if only perfect people were allowed in them. too bad stake presidents and bishops get this vision after they are released.
My point is that some of them get this while they are Bishops and Stake presidents and if you as an individual make a blanket determination to shut off one of the tools at your disposal by saying I will NEVER invite a bishop into my family matters you then deny the spirit a tool of guidance that it may attempt to guide you to seek out. It may tell you not to as well. Good enough but way too many of you are all to willing to shut down an inspiration on points of order within the Church to your own condemnation. My point is you need to be listening and doing what ever you are guided to do in such situations and not shutting doors that may be just the correct one.
So parents don't have inspiration for their own children? God gave us bishops and government workers for that?

A bishop has no business meddling in these things.

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

I agree with most of this, Mr Wolf in Sheep ^^^. I build things for a living. I find myself returning to familiar, multiuse tools to do all kinds of tasks, even when a specialized tool may exist for a specific task. for an example, I often use pliers to pull a stubborn nail, instead of a hammer or a cats paw or a pry bar. I use the pliers because they are effective, they are usually close at hand, and I know how to use them to efficiently and satisfactorily remove a nail.
for me, parents and family are the "pliers". they are my go-to tool when there's a problem. sure there are other options, and if I were inspired to involve an unrelated 3rd party in my life, I would go talk to the bishop. thankfully, the Lord let's me work with comfortable, time tested tools, not necessarily the latest gadget.

eta - Jules, there's no way for a bishop to meddle if we keep our business in our family. btw, I agree with your sentiment about govt workers, including cops.

Mr WiS - wouldn't it be nice in your ward if people took responsibility for their own stewardships and you didn't have to be involved in everyone's problems? then you could concentrate more time on your own family and those 4 boys. I think that's what I'd want in a ward if I were the bishop. what am I missing here?

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brlenox
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by brlenox »

Jules wrote:
brlenox wrote:
Obrien wrote:amen pjb - in fact, one of the points DU spoke about at the 96 stake stake conference today in az was that temples are for imperfect people. he stated that the temples would be empty if only perfect people were allowed in them. too bad stake presidents and bishops get this vision after they are released.
My point is that some of them get this while they are Bishops and Stake presidents and if you as an individual make a blanket determination to shut off one of the tools at your disposal by saying I will NEVER invite a bishop into my family matters you then deny the spirit a tool of guidance that it may attempt to guide you to seek out. It may tell you not to as well. Good enough but way too many of you are all to willing to shut down an inspiration on points of order within the Church to your own condemnation. My point is you need to be listening and doing what ever you are guided to do in such situations and not shutting doors that may be just the correct one.
So parents don't have inspiration for their own children? God gave us bishops and government workers for that?

A bishop has no business meddling in these things.
Once again you did not read my post ... you are projecting all of your "authority" issues onto me without listening to what is being said.

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FoxMammaWisdom
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by FoxMammaWisdom »

brlenox wrote:
Jules wrote:
brlenox wrote:
My point is that some of them get this while they are Bishops and Stake presidents and if you as an individual make a blanket determination to shut off one of the tools at your disposal by saying I will NEVER invite a bishop into my family matters you then deny the spirit a tool of guidance that it may attempt to guide you to seek out. It may tell you not to as well. Good enough but way too many of you are all to willing to shut down an inspiration on points of order within the Church to your own condemnation. My point is you need to be listening and doing what ever you are guided to do in such situations and not shutting doors that may be just the correct one.
So parents don't have inspiration for their own children? God gave us bishops and government workers for that?

A bishop has no business meddling in these things.
Once again you did not read my post ... you are projecting all of your "authority" issues onto me without listening to what is being said.
I read, I just don't agree that someone in the bishop seat is necessarily given a direct line to God and knows how to deal with any possible situation that could come up; that there is some "gift" I would automatically be shutting out by not involving a dude in my family problems, who happens to be sitting in a chair labeled "bishop".

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oneClimbs
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by oneClimbs »

Jules wrote:I read, I just don't agree that someone in the bishop seat is necessarily given a direct line to God and knows how to deal with any possible situation that could come up; that there is some "gift" I would automatically be shutting out by not involving a dude in my family problems, who happens to be sitting in a chair labeled "bishop".
Parents of course have the right for inspiration and such, but often people are at a loss and don't know what to do. So there's a "judge in Israel" to help when needed. Does that mean that we call the Bishop for everything? No, but is he good for nothing? Of course not.

This is something I've been studying recently and I don't know how many LDS people have considered it in this way. But if you read D&C 84, you'll notice that part that outlines the oath and covenant of the priesthood talks about receiving the priesthood and then says, "for he that receiveth my servants receiveth me."

When Jesus was on the earth, people came to him. They came to be healed they came for solutions, they came for relief from pain or to settle disputes. Well Jesus resurrected and ascended to heaven and left servants there, with his authority to be the same source of comfort and healing that he was to people during his ministry. He told them that they who received them would receive him.

Jesus was a plain man with no form or comeliness that we should desire him. Likewise his servants are often bumbling and clearly mortal beings. Yet the act of faith, in going to a servant and believing that God can do a miracle through a weak thing says more about the person exercising their faith than the "abilities" or "station" of that servant. I think that's the point we often miss.

I think that is why we are so caught up in simply waiting around for our home teachers and bickering about how they never come by instead of picking up a phone and inviting them or "receiving" them in faith, trusting in God's ability to bless us through them.

So on the one hand I understand the tendency for people to just cast aside a bishop and say, "I don't need some key-holder to stand between me and God" but I must respectfully point out that this misses the point. I don't think someone of that opinion is totally to blame either because even the believer misunderstands and uses the Lord's servants inappropriately, further pushing some to just reject them altogether. Just like the two extremes of the pendulum, neither side is in balance. But it's ok, we're all just trying to figure this out.

I agree with Jules that for many things like this, you're looking at a family matter. These things can often be sorted out at the family level, but for some families, who have nowhere else to turn and who don't feel confident that they have a clear solution, why not seek out the Bishop in faith that as a judge in Israel, God could perhaps inspire him to lead you in the right direction. There are many ways to show humility and God has given us many ways to exercise our faith. Let's not limit people's options.
Last edited by oneClimbs on November 7th, 2014, 9:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

Nan
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Nan »

I have a couple suggestions. One is get a filter and block youtube. This is the number one place teenagers usually first find porn. Yes it is a pain not to be able to watch the things you want to watch but it will be worth the sacrifice. Second it does affect worthiness and he should be going to see the bishop about it. I have to say that our bishop has been wonderful with our sons. Porn is very destructive to people's self worth and it teaches all the wrong things about sex and how sex is normally. Third, you have not failed as a parent. This is not about you and you have to get those thoughts out of your head. This is about your son. You can freak out all you want in your bedroom. But you may not freak out all over your son. This is something that is a battle in this world for many people. Ignore the people who tell you it is no big deal and porn addiction isn't real. It is real and you can help your son. Love him and be willing to fight for him.

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LiberMama
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

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Yep, caught mine at 12 yo not long after he was made the Deacons Quorum Pres! In this case, I did involve the Bishop. I did tell our son, that as his parents we're here to answer any questions he has about relations, and understood his curiosity but that the source he went to was the 'fake' source, the deception in that source teaches you things that destroy and hurt marriages. It puts ideas into your head that does not improve a relationships and its information that is supposed to be respectful and sacred. Its stirring up the wrong emotions. And I have told him that this very problem causes wedges in the relationship with one's wife that he'll hope to have one day. I explained to him that as the leader of his fellow young men, he has a duty and obligation to straighten this up with the Bishop. I immediately called our Bishop and made an appointment with him that very day and dropped him off (I waited outside)

The interesting way it played out, he didn't remove him from being the president, he did suspend him from passing the Sacrament....which disturbed the other boys some... they were not told why, it was not formally announced he was not to pass it. But between our son and the Bishop they worked this situation out.

I'll admit, Strawberry, my life plan in raising my children got hacked about 3 or4 ways, this episode being one of them, the other was the neighborhood boys discussing the 'facts of life' before we had our parent/child talk about the 'facts' and what irked me most was it happened with every one of my boys.....SIGH... Satan does his best to destroy, undermine and create doubt in youth of their parents. He comes in so many different ways, trying to creep in.

Love your son, tell him that life always brings interesting lessons to us, even as parents!!! He's not alone, nor are you Strawberry! As a personal friend -- I'll also admit how afraid I was to ever speak a word of this to anyone at the time either!!!!!

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

Libermama - He's your kid, and if you feel involvement with the bishop is needed, more power to ya. As I stated earlier in this post, it's preferable to me for a father / mother unit to work with their son to discuss these situations. Obviously, you can't give him forgiveness for the "sin". Strangely, neither can the bishop...
Forgiveness comes from the Son - teach your son to go there, rather than to man, I say.

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Strawberry
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Strawberry »

LIbermama,
Thank you SO much - I was hoping you'd chime in ;) Yes, Satan is working terribly hard to destroy. The day before I caught him looking at porn on the computer I noticed a porn book something about "Naked Party" on my kindle. I thought it was just a fluke (I'm awful bad with electronics - according to my husband, and I agree, I shouldn't touch them). So, the day after I caught him on You Tube I found two new downloads on my kindle of inappropriate pictures. I then hid my kindle from him the next day. He found it and I found photos of completely naked women on it yesterday. My husband then taught me how to add a password. We talked a little bit. I need to prayerfully figure out what to do. Obviously he sought it out and knows it's wrong and so far he doesn't seem bothered by it. I feel I can't trust him, I'm afraid with all the computers/electronics in our home.

He just turned 12, he's so young.

Libermama, you know that going to my bishop is out of the question for us, perhaps a different one, or different leader. Sigh, I didn't expect this to happen so soon.

So blessed to be a part of this community - thank you!

BrotherOfMahonri
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by BrotherOfMahonri »

OPEN DNS
https://www.opendns.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Study this website, set your local internet DNS to use this service, and only websites you begin to allow will be allowed in your home (make sure you know where your child is going to friends homes as that is where most can be re-accessed - so pay attention to friend's parents).

Youtube should not even be in the home - it is not safe - one positive search and on the side bar is temptation videos all wrapped up for any unsuspecting person. Eye to eye contact and family time CAN be so much more fun than youtube sensationalism.

BrotherOfMahonri
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by BrotherOfMahonri »

But... OVER ALL ELSE, sacrifice anything that may be in the way of your children trusting you over all - and IMHO that means they (your children) can and should be your first priority and you their first, in friendship, love, etc. Time for a family vacation or at least a father son outing fishing, or a trip somewhere as father and son...

BrotherOfMahonri
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by BrotherOfMahonri »

Strawberry wrote: We don't have a tv so I'm not familiar with the nature channel. We speak pretty open about sexuality in our home though. Don't know if this is a good thing or bad? :-ss
The nature channel is not for the family to digest, as it is in control of liberal thinking and if you want to know one meaning of the mark of the beast, watch the nature channel (eat, sleep, mate, kill). Us divine beings need not the nature channel IMHO.

This is a good thing (speaking openly) when it is in light of a positive view of sexuality and puberty being a time where you can really help a pre-teen not be so hard on themselves as their body changes - in that your children understand the responsibility (like baby siblings and where they come from) that come with it, but also the beauty God intended it to be, as well as Satan's relentless desire to twist it. I know if you and daddy continue to practice a sweet affection between the two of you (opposite the nature channel) it will invite the spirit such that it can help shape the current CHEMICAL changes that have taken place in any boy's brain who has viewed or pondered pornography.

I know the Spirit will prompt you as you allow that - so I'd suggest mom and dad take a serious prayerful look at any distractions they might have (not pointing fingers but to myself and this is a suggestion only) so as to inhibit any type of love, quality time, and inspiration in behalf of the children.

Kitkat
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Kitkat »

Thoughts and prayers your way :ymhug: When something overwhelms me it has been so comforting to me in my prayers to tell God, I choose to trust you, you know the end from the beginning.

My only other advice would be sacrifice everything to build a genuine relationship with your son (not saying you don't have one, but this could be a chance to ramp it up). What does he love? Do something that will endear him to you. Even if it is something you might not enjoy, just do something that would make him say...Really Mom?...YES!

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rewcox
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by rewcox »

Kitkat wrote:Thoughts and prayers your way :ymhug: When something overwhelms me it has been so comforting to me in my prayers to tell God, I choose to trust you, you know the end from the beginning.

My only other advice would be sacrifice everything to build a genuine relationship with your son (not saying you don't have one, but this could be a chance to ramp it up). What does he love? Do something that will endear him to you. Even if it is something you might not enjoy, just do something that would make him say...Really Mom?...YES!
KitKat and bdLDS, I do like your focus on the family. You are correct, as parents we have to invest in our children and many times that is a sacrifice of our time. My wife spent at least 2 years working with one of our sons to help him get through school issues. It paid off. It does pay off.

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Rose Garden
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Rose Garden »

Strawberry, I believe you should be trying to block sources to pornography into your home, but I do not believe that should be your focus.

Here in the United States, we fight a hopeless battle against germs. We know we can never win the battle but we keep up an endless round of sanitizing anything we can get our hands on. In Korea, they approach health with the perspective of building up their immune system so it can withstand germs. They still keep things clean, but that isn't their one and only method of staying healthy. And they aren't obsessed about it like some people become here.

It's an excellent method for fighting anything unwholesome, including porn. If your entire focus is on keeping it out, then you are going to feel a sense of hopelessness because you know that sooner or later, like when he moves out, he is going to be able to access it. Go ahead and take the precautions you can, but place your focus on building him up. I suggest doing this prayerfully and asking the Lord what needs he has that aren't being met that are driving him to look at porn.

This article addresses girls, not boys, but it is an example of what I am talking about: http://www.patheos.com/Resources/Additi ... Women.html" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;. It is a great article by the way, and I recommend reading the whole thing. Girls form unwholesome relationships with boyfriends, according to this article, because they do not feel a sense of power over their lives. This rings true to me and I think this approach is the way we should be looking at difficult situations with our kids.

I believe your son is looking at porn because one of his most basic spiritual needs is not getting met. I have no idea what that need could be, but I do know that the Lord could reveal it to you if you ask him. I also know that if you don't address that problem, anything you do will never be enough to keep your son away from porn permanently. He will eventually go back to it.

I'm praying for you, Strawberry. I know you will be able to find a solution to this problem.

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LiberMama
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by LiberMama »

Just for the record, in most of these situations with our youth, the Bishop need not be involved. However, in my case I felt that he must be involved due to my son's position in his Quorum at the time. I'm also challenged by a husband who teeters on the edge of darkness when it comes to that stuff too.... So, I'm personally in a tough spot. Could his father teach his own son, right from wrong. Of course, his father was also involved in a conversation. Back then we had major controls on the computers, except -- you guessed it, my son did his 'sneak' peek using my computer and I discovered it looking at the history that at the time my son didn't know how to hid/coverup/delete.

Our challenge as parents is to be teaching our children the tender mercies of the Lord. That its is through the love of the Savior where forgiveness brings peace. It also requires us to help our children discover the joy of choosing to live our lives in the path of the Savior and not in the gutter of the world. With all the junk being pumped into kids minds these day through just everyday television, the contents and story lines of movies and books. The 'anime' of illustrated comics that emphasize the human body in a manner to stimulate the desires and drives of mankind..... Its a rough world out there.

Hopefully, we can teach our children the everlasting joy and sweetness of honor and respect to the beautiful and sacred relationship between man and wife -- and that this relationship is only for a married couple and not some cheap thrill or temporary 'release' because our body has acquired a dependency upon those urges and drives to be stimulated.

Peace to all!

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Strawberry
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Strawberry »

Great analogy Jezebel. Get to the root of the problem, don't just mask it (kind of like if you are very ill, change your diet and lifestyle vs taking drugs which won't solve the problem, just mask it). Yes, my son needs to have a change of heart, and to be taught.

I'll share this article with a friend of mine who just confided in me she's experiencing the same challenge in her home.

My same friend suggested the book "Like Dragons Did They Fight". I'll have to look that one up. Glad to know I'm not alone and that healing can be had.

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Obrien
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Obrien »

So, 10 days on, how is your son doing? Has he come out of his room yet (joke). How are you and DH doing? Sadly, I think this is a pretty common challenge for kids and parents these days.

Fiannan
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Re: Made a MAJOR mistake as a parent - please help

Post by Fiannan »

Why should anyone think they are a failure as a parent because their child looked up some porn? In the 1950s kids checked out the naked tribal women in National Geographic, in the 1970s they stole their uncles Playboy, in the 1990s they snuck in to mommy and daddy's secret stash of VHS rentals and today the internet allows instant access to anything from yuppie porn (designed for couples), Japanese animation for the more nerdy types, feminist porn and the regular old stuff with more silicone implants than one would find at an LDS California bishop's trophy wife get-together. Instant access means just about everyone with a pulse has seen such stuff, and young guys and girls of course do not know how to erase their history files.

That said I believe the only way to combat this is to reason with a youngster who accesses it. Admit to them it is perfectly natural to do so but that just as it would be wrong to pay to see homeless people fight over a free meal it is wrong to produce an item that entices people to take part in an activity in front of a camera that should be private; something that makes porn producers and large hotel chains a lot of money. You might even ask how they would feel if they knew their mom or sister was in such a film. Of course this will work best with kids who have a conscience -- it will have little effect on sociopathic or psychopathic kids but they are a small minority of youth...though they will be the ones most likely to excel in religious, academic and corporate life.

Just don't make this a big issue because it isn't unless a parent makes it such and causes fixation upon it. Seen a few families where such reactions have led to the youth, once grown, run away from the Church and never look back.

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