Broken

[Older/wiser?]

I am a private person, my posts here have revealed more than my family or ward members know about our lives. I guess the reason is strangers believing and understand the gospel are less judgmental and don't try to solve or talk about your problems when you are not prepared to. I've shared the experience of running over my daughter, and the death of our son that occurred in the same year. I did so to share my conversion and testimony of our Savior Jesus Christ.

May I share with you one more lesson I have just learned . 17 years ago our second son upon returning from his mission and against our wishes purchased a bullet bike. He was impulsive and had displayed what we now call bipolar tendencies. One night we received a phone call about an accident , he was flown to Lds hospital , if I were to go into the many details I would have to share the many miracles and that in itself is another story. Upon waking up in the Hospital the first thing he did was swear at me and flip me off. That was a shocker, the nurse said he had some frontal lobe damage but he should be ok. We nursed him the following month, he had a trachea and was beginning to look close to normal (he had not been wearing a helmet be gave that to his passenger). Metal plates had been put in his face and his jaw from the first xrays had 4 breaks ,the second set after prays and fasting the previous night showed no breaks . The following month he left home , took his truck and left, in another state he started a business , he did well but over the years lost it all.

He had a mental breakdown , we brought him home , he lived with us for three years. He couldn't function . He again left and again started a business it did well, He because delusional, self medicated, we tried to help, but an adult who won't take medication can't be helped. He went to another state ,troubled on the streets , we got him a place to stay, he couldn't hang on to it. I've given you some facts, the heartbreak is impossible to express, we always talked daily, his fear at being homeless, his delusions and mental illness I can't begin to relate. Last Tuesday we tried to get him some money this was hard to do banks closed he couldn't get into a shelter as I sat at the kitchen table holding my head in sorrow I called out "Father is there no one that can help us," a slow understanding began to fill me, I had not been the one to answer a pleading parents cry, I who had judged , excusing myself with" I donate to the Church", I don't want to contribute to his alcohol problem, in sorrow I see my flaws , I have need of much repentance, I called to Father seeking forgiveness , I will never judge nor justify again , I immediately put money in my wallet ,in preparation and planning to always have to give when the opportunity arises. Never again will I be hard hearted. I have lived everyone's nightmare, how could it have taken me so long to get it. I will give ,not just for the lost soul who stands on a corner, but for the grieving mother or father who sits weeping at their kitchen table, calling out "Father is there no one who can help".

I needed to learn that lesson. Thursday morning at 6:00 their was a knock on our door as two policemen came in to tell us our son had been killed, yes I needed that one final lesson, . We have endured , we have suffered, and now prepare to bury our poor lost homeless son. May we live together in love, In so much that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection. I will finish with my Testimony of our Beloved Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, I Love Him an look for a day to fall at His feet in adoration and thanksgiving for His sacrifice for me and all of us.

[Teancum]

I am praying for you.

[butterfly]

I'm so sorry, sweetheart! You say that you are learning lessons through this, and that's wonderful, but please don't let yourself think that your son's passing was directly tied to any fault of your own. Any parent who loves their child is a successful parent. Your son is now free from his mental struggles and can now comprehend more clearly the love you have for him and he has for you.

Those closest to us never really leave us; their spirits help keep watch over those loved ones who remain on earth. So whenever you want to talk to him just think about him and he will be able to understand what you want him to know. I know this from experience so there is nothing that need be left unsaid. Your son loves you and will be trying to communicate that to you as well, though he may not have been able to express it before due to the mental trap he was in, he will be able to tell you now.

[Alaris]

I cannot imagine the loss and pain you are enduring. Thoughts and prayers are headed your way. PM me anytime you need an ear.

[Jeremy]

Be Still, My Soul
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav’nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast’ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

[Rose Garden]

My heart goes out to you. There will be more lessons to come. The Lord will consecrate this tragedy to your good.

[h_p]

What a heartbreaking story. So sorry for your loss, o/w. I hope you and your family soon find the peace and comfort that only God can give.

[Sarah]

Thank you for being willing to share these painful memories and lessons learned. I too can't imagine the pain you have been through. It's humbling and makes me want to reach out and do more to help others.

[DesertWonderer]

May God's grace be upon you.

[Spider]

I'm so very sorry. Your pain must be so great.

[Silver]

Remember these words of Brigham Young:

"Let the father and mother, who are members of this Church and Kingdom, take a righteous course, and strive with all their might never to do a wrong, but to do good all their lives; if they have one child or one hundred children, if they conduct themselves towards them as they should, binding them to the Lord by their faith and prayers, I care not where those children go, they are bound up to their parents by an everlasting tie, and no power of earth or hell can separate them from their parents in eternity; they will return again to the fountain from whence they sprang (Discourses of Brigham Young, 208)." (close quote)

Beautiful, comforting words.

[inho]

Thank you for sharing that. The humble attitude you have for all the hardships you have experienced is truly uplifting.

[Michelle]

I'm sorry.

[kittycat51]

I'm so sorry. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. I get so down on myself because of my own trials it's hard to see through my own sorrow. This opens up my eyes. It's funny what this forum does to me. I don't know ANY of you personally yet through everyone's posts, I feel like I do. This brings such a sense of shock and sorrow to me. Prayers and hugs sending your way. May God uplift you through all of this. :ymhug:

[Matchmaker]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel like I have known you for a long time. I thank you for your contribution on this forum. Your bits of wisdom, compassion, and good common sense have changed my life for the better.

[Dave62]

Just remember; "worlds without end".

[Older/wiser?]

Thank you for the love and prayers , we have laid our son to rest this morning. The kindness you have expressed I am gratefully for. I am a stranger and you took me in. I pray none of you walk my path, but if one does , I will leave you with words that are in my soul. "The Lord Giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord".

[Silver]

Thank you for the love and prayers , we have laid our son to rest this morning. The kindness you have expressed I am gratefully for. I am a stranger and you took me in. I pray none of you walk my path, but if one does , I will leave you with words that are in my soul. "The Lord Giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord".

Your son now yearns for the day when the two of you will embrace in perfect love and gratitude. The task of those of us left here on earth is to prepare for momentous occasions such as that. Take care of yourself and Sister M.

[brianj]

Thank you for the love and prayers , we have laid our son to rest this morning. The kindness you have expressed I am gratefully for. I am a stranger and you took me in. I pray none of you walk my path, but if one does , I will leave you with words that are in my soul. "The Lord Giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord".

When my wife filed for divorce I had an interview with my Bishop, and I distinctly remember the last words I said in that conversation. "I hope that when this is over I can use this pain to help other people, otherwise I think it's meaningless."
Since then, even though it's not over, I have been able to help others because of my experiences. And I have met an amazing person who is divorced but using those experiences to help others who are divorcing or recovering.

I say this because I have a lot of respect for those who can use the lessons of their pain to help others. And I see you trying to do so in the quoted post. You are a good person.

[lostinspace]

I am so sorry for what you have been through. All I would say is I hope that you don't feel long-lasting guilt. It has given me a great deal of comfort to hear Jesus' answer to "Who did sin, this man, or his parents?"

I think Jesus had a lot of us and the brokenness inherent in the world in mind when He gave His answer.