Destructive fantasies and hypocrisy

[Matchmaker]

Are you saying a spouse should make sex conditional? That makes sex transactional and therefore...

What would you call a situation when a husband withholds love when his sexual gifts are rejected? Isn't the message he sends to his wife is that he must be payed in sex in order to give love? Is it right to make his love conditional?

All of our love gifts are conditional. The defining factor for whether or not those conditions/rules/boundaries/laws are righteous or not is determined by our motivation. Are we giving and receiving, requesting and withholding, motivated by love and what is in the best interests for that individual and for the relationship? Or are we behaving in ways motivated by selfish desires or fear? Do you buy your wife expensive jewelry and flowers every week just because it makes her happy? No, you have boundaries that govern your giving. Giving your wife all the money you earn so she can spend it on herself would be unwise and encourage her out-of-balance behavior of acting selfishly or entitled. Giving and receiving is a transaction and that is okay. The eternities were never built on giving unconditionally. You have a problem if you are defining unconditional love to mean unconditional giving. The two are not equal. You are able to love someone unconditionally and still withhold giving something to that person. We do it all the time as parents, and our Father in Heaven does the same with us. He loves us unconditionally but he does not give us everything we want. We must learn the laws that govern the correct way to give and receive, request and withhold, with Him and with other people. When we learn to do this we will come to know Him and be filled with true love.

All our behaviors, if we want them to be exalting, should be communal behaviors that benefit another directly or benefit the pair or group together. For example, what is the better choice, feasting alone or feasting with others? One is centered on selfish desires, the other is centered on celebrating the relationship and enjoying time together. Sex is no different. So to expect your wife to continually come to the table and eat bread and water while you are enjoying steak and cake that she has cooked up for you is out of balance and is focused on your pleasure and not on the pleasure the two of you should enjoy together. If she cannot eat steak and cake, then your compassion should motivate you to solve the problem you both have, or stop punishing her in order to shame her into cooking for you.

The term "stonewalling" comes to mind when referring to one partner or the other withholding emotional support and isolating their spouse. It's said to be a 90% predictor of a future divorce.

Yes, but the problem is both feel the other is stonewalling. Who will love first? The man is stonewalling the wife when she rejects him, the man feels she is stonewalling. The man feels justified in stonewalling because she stonewalled first. But why should the man feel the need to stonewall if his gift was a true gift? His gifts are not gifts, but they are requests. He needs to respect her freedom and agency to grant his request, otherwise he is feeling entitled and taking what he feels he deserves. Just give true gifts of love without expecting anything in return.

Sometimes the kindest and most charitable thing a spouse can do is quietly pack his or her bags and go. There are a lot worse things one spouse can do to another than divorce them. A life lived with a bitter or hard heart gets one no good rewards in this life or the next. IMO no one is likely to face any kind of Church discipline unless the separation was brought about through immorality or physical abuse. It seems to me that some kinds of incompatibility can't be corrected in this telestial world unless one has thousands of dollars to spend and years and years of therapy.