Should my wife go to bishop for porn addiction?

[djinwa]

It is common for women to report their husband's porn problem to the bishop, and tell family and friends. Wondering if I should do the same with my wife.

She watches at least 5 hours of shows each night with her fantasy men on them - mostly the tough cop type. Makes me feel insecure not being as tough as them. Then she retires to bed and reads books with the same kinds of guys in them.

I should have known she had this addiction. When we were dating, she had a poster of Tom Selleck on her wall, until I asked her to take it down. Apparently, though, she keeps having relapses and fantasizing about other men.

All the problems with porn addiction are evident. The blood and gore on her shows are terrible. Children can potentially see it as it is on primetime TV. Health problems from sitting so much. And of course, it is damaging our relationship - time away from me, and also makes for unrealistic expectations of me. I'm supposed to be tough and rich and famous like all her fantasy men.

So I'm assuming I should report her to the bishop and tell as many people I can, and hopefully with some church disciplinary action and pressure from members, she can overcome her addiction? Not sure if our marriage can be saved otherwise.

[Fiannan]

As long as there are no naked people in the shows she watches then they are wholesome and pleasing. So as long as she is watching programs on NBC, CBS, or ABC then there is no shame. One can even use some of those daytime talk shows for supplementary teaching aides for Family Home Evening.

[Rose Garden]

Someone's got a chip on his shoulder . . .

[Elizabeth]

It is certainly a waste of a life time, when there is so much worthwhile to do before our passing.

It is common for women to report their husband's porn problem to the bishop, and tell family and friends. Wondering if I should do the same with my wife.

She watches at least 5 hours of shows each night with her fantasy men on them - mostly the tough cop type. Makes me feel insecure not being as tough as them. Then she retires to bed and reads books with the same kinds of guys in them.

I should have known she had this addiction. When we were dating, she had a poster of Tom Selleck on her wall, until I asked her to take it down. Apparently, though, she keeps having relapses and fantasizing about other men.

All the problems with porn addiction are evident. The blood and gore on her shows are terrible. Children can potentially see it as it is on primetime TV. Health problems from sitting so much. And of course, it is damaging our relationship - time away from me, and also makes for unrealistic expectations of me. I'm supposed to be tough and rich and famous like all her fantasy men.

So I'm assuming I should report her to the bishop and tell as many people I can, and hopefully with some church disciplinary action and pressure from members, she can overcome her addiction? Not sure if our marriage can be saved otherwise.

[Spider]

Five hours of watching TV a day is a sad way to live a life.

[Different]

"So I'm assuming I should report her to the bishop and tell as many people I can."

Tell as many people as you can? Hmm sounds pretty unchristian to me to go around murmuring to others about personal problems and rather childish really. Try acting like an adult when dealing with problems then spreading gossip in your community.


Im not taking sides just pointing out your statement.

[Fiannan]

"So I'm assuming I should report her to the bishop and tell as many people I can."

Tell as many people as you can? Hmm sounds pretty unchristian to me to go around murmuring to others about personal problems and rather childish really. Try acting like an adult when dealing with problems then spreading gossip in your community.


Im not taking sides just pointing out your statement.

I am assuming that he is employing satire to make a point. Some LDS women have done this to their husbands -- finding something in his history and then tattling on them to family and associates. Totally vile thing to do but some people think it is fantastic.

[Melissa]

"So I'm assuming I should report her to the bishop and tell as many people I can."

Tell as many people as you can? Hmm sounds pretty unchristian to me to go around murmuring to others about personal problems and rather childish really. Try acting like an adult when dealing with problems then spreading gossip in your community.


Im not taking sides just pointing out your statement.

I am assuming that he is employing satire to make a point. Some LDS women have done this to their husbands -- finding something in his history and then tattling on them to family and associates. Totally vile thing to do but some people think it is fantastic.

Fantastic? Really?? A wife tells people of her husband's porn issues for fun? Your kidding right?

Why would a woman want everybody to know this? Women feel shame from this, so it doesn't make sense to me. Maybe they tell someone to get some support?

[Melissa]

It is common for women to report their husband's porn problem to the bishop, and tell family and friends. Wondering if I should do the same with my wife.

She watches at least 5 hours of shows each night with her fantasy men on them - mostly the tough cop type. Makes me feel insecure not being as tough as them. Then she retires to bed and reads books with the same kinds of guys in them.

I should have known she had this addiction. When we were dating, she had a poster of Tom Selleck on her wall, until I asked her to take it down. Apparently, though, she keeps having relapses and fantasizing about other men.

All the problems with porn addiction are evident. The blood and gore on her shows are terrible. Children can potentially see it as it is on primetime TV. Health problems from sitting so much. And of course, it is damaging our relationship - time away from me, and also makes for unrealistic expectations of me. I'm supposed to be tough and rich and famous like all her fantasy men.

So I'm assuming I should report her to the bishop and tell as many people I can, and hopefully with some church disciplinary action and pressure from members, she can overcome her addiction? Not sure if our marriage can be saved otherwise.

Nice mock
You understand nothing

[inho]

Why would a woman want everybody to know this? Women feel shame from this, so it doesn't make sense to me. Maybe they tell someone to get some support?

I don't think it is just about the support. More likely they have their own problems, and they love the attention they get when they let everyone to know that they are the victim.

[Melissa]

Why would a woman want everybody to know this? Women feel shame from this, so it doesn't make sense to me. Maybe they tell someone to get some support?

I don't think it is just about the support. More likely they have their own problems, and they love the attention they get when they let everyone to know that they are the victim.

Really?

Being a strong example is good attention, playing a victim is not good attention.

I think women are just more hurt than men allow for or are comfortable with, I think women reach for support in a way they know how or are able to.

By the way...when a husband is in porn, it is not just his problem but he had also made it hers.

[Sunain]

The way weekly ward councils have turned out, I wouldn't want anyone to report their spouse for watching porn unless they want the whole ward to know. There is a serious gossip and privacy problem going on in the church and it is seriously hindering people's ability to follow the proper repentance process.

[inho]

There are plenty of horror stories in the internet about spouses letting basically everyone to know about their husbands porn addiction. There is no reasonable excuse for the behaviour of the wives in these stories. I guess that kind of stories inspired the OP.

Even though the OP is clearly parody, maybe there is some message in it. Do I have habits (maybe not as bad as porn) that I should change? How can spouses help each other to get rid of such habits?

[Fiannan]

There are plenty of horror stories in the internet about spouses letting basically everyone to know about their husbands porn addiction. There is no reasonable excuse for the behaviour of the wives in these stories. I guess that kind of stories inspired the OP.

Even though the OP is clearly parody, maybe there is some message in it. Do I have habits (maybe not as bad as porn) that I should change? How can spouses help each other to get rid of such habits?

I would categorize a wife releasing such information to the world into the same category as revenge porn where a jilted boyfriend sends a video his girlfriend made for him when they were together to a site so the world can see her. Exposure in either case is uncalled for and I believe should be grounds for legal action. So if a woman (regarding the porn disclosure issue) does such a thing to her husband, and they eventually divorce, the judge in a custody hearing should see this as a dark spot on her character and give the custody of the children to him.

[Melissa]

There are plenty of horror stories in the internet about spouses letting basically everyone to know about their husbands porn addiction. There is no reasonable excuse for the behaviour of the wives in these stories. I guess that kind of stories inspired the OP.

Even though the OP is clearly parody, maybe there is some message in it. Do I have habits (maybe not as bad as porn) that I should change? How can spouses help each other to get rid of such habits?

I would categorize a wife releasing such information to the world into the same category as revenge porn where a jilted boyfriend sends a video his girlfriend made for him when they were together to a site so the world can see her. Exposure in either case is uncalled for and I believe should be grounds for legal action. So if a woman (regarding the porn disclosure issue) does such a thing to her husband, and they eventually divorce, the judge in a custody hearing should see this as a dark spot on her character and give the custody of the children to him.

Porn = dirty little secret and if you tell anyone I will take the kids away. Lol, good one.

And men never share anything about their wives??

Also...girls/women don't ever take private photos or videos of yourself and give to anyone, including your husband. It's really stupid and dangerous.

[Fiannan]

Porn = dirty little secret and if you tell anyone I will take the kids away. Lol, good one.

While the porn hysteria has thankfully subsided in LDS circles one could take note of this.

[Juliet]

This is thought provoking. It shows there is disrespect for men when they have an addiction. And it is true, women will fantasize emotionally more than be addicted to visual porn. As a ritual abuse survivor, I have struggled with all of the above. I have made it a point, mostly from listening to Dr Laura, to make sure I had a good current relationship with my spouse. Unfortunately, getting married with all my background has left me with a lot of inner demons. The Lord has helped me knock them off one at a time by His unwavering love. My husband doesn't expect anything of me that I can't give. We try to accept each other. I have had so many demons in all parts of my body, including my brain, and I can feel them leave. It feels like a little hair ball inside and when they leave it is like it gets unhooked and wiggles around and finally gets popped out of my body. I remember one night I woke up and went to the mirror and could see this demon in my eyes and my eyes were pitch black. Then, he popped out of me, and I instantly realized he was the source of thoughts that made me feel embarrassed about sex. Anyhow, being in a loving relationship, and knowing these demons aren't my fault, allows me to just let God's love in a little at a time. It sure would be nice if husband's and wives could worry about their own demons and just love each other for what they can give, even if it isn't a lot, and for who they are inside. Every one knows what their own demons are, and no matter how filthy we are, Jesus still loves us as we work out our salvation. We ought to love and respect each other because in this world, you just get dirty. It is part of growing up. I think humanity looks at some demons and gasps and says that is enough, the person dealing with them is lost, but Jesus doesn't do that. He loves us all no matter how dirty we are. That is why it is called Eternal Progression, so we can clean up one day at a time.

[djinwa]

Someone's got a chip on his shoulder . . .

Is that what you tell a woman who's husband looks at porn? What is the difference?

[djinwa]

Why is it satire if a guy posts this? Are we not allowed to feel insecure or want some attention from our wives?

I keep reading there is no excuse for porn, and it is always sin, and then when a guy complains about his wife's porn, the excuses are endless.

For years I wondered why my wife was so attracted to violent shows. I had assumed that women were naturally more averse to blood and gore. I eventually realized it was about the men on the shows - tough, strong, protective, powerful. A standard I can never meet.

If men seeing naked women can make them less attracted to their wife, why can wives seeing strong or rich men not make them less attracted to their husbands?

[h_p]

I think some people on this forum are really speaking about their own husbands and own situation, more than they're talking about yours. Doesn't make for a very fair conversation, though.

I'm sorry for your having to go through that, djinwa. Your wife is being disloyal by sharing her heart with men she's never met, and never will. I hope she changes, for both your sakes.

[Matchmaker]

Some people say you are just as sick as your secrets. If something sinful is going on in a household, I used to believe we are supposed to tell our Bishop, and maybe even others who have stewardship over us, like a RS President, Home Teacher or Visiting Teacher. I am not so sure about that now.

[inho]

Why is it satire if a guy posts this? Are we not allowed to feel insecure or want some attention from our wives?

I wish not to belittle the situation you are in and your feelings.
The reason why I assumed your post was satire was the last paragraph:

So I'm assuming I should report her to the bishop and tell as many people I can, and hopefully with some church disciplinary action and pressure from members, she can overcome her addiction? Not sure if our marriage can be saved otherwise.

I sure hope that you aren't really thinking that public shaming is the best solution? Have you talked about your feelings with your wife?

[gclayjr]

djinwa,

She watches at least 5 hours of shows each night with her fantasy men on them - mostly the tough cop type. Makes me feel insecure not being as tough as them. Then she retires to bed and reads books with the same kinds of guys in them.

I am a little unclear on this porn thing. Are we talking about cop shows on TV? Are you talking about telling the Bishop that your wife watches cop shows and accusing her of being a porn addict?

I think when we expand the definition of words to mean everything it soon means nothing.

Take rape for example. We think of rape as being a person, usually a man, who forces sex on an unwilling person. Now rape can mean two people getting drunk and having sex, and the women regretting it the next day. So what does rape actually mean today? I realize getting drunk with a woman, and waking up to be later charged with rape is not going to be a problem with good LDS people who live our standards, but it still doesn't mean that it isn't watering down the definition of something that is actually horrible to be something less.

I remember years ago when we would have SS lessons on porn, it often degenerated into a discussion about the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. I know that lusting after the models in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition is bad, but is it the same as looking at hardcore sexual activity on the computer late at night?

Do we not dilute how addictive and destroying this activity is, if we equate it to every bit of sexual ennuendo we find in our modern culture?

Regards,

George Clay

[Finrock]

djinwa,

She watches at least 5 hours of shows each night with her fantasy men on them - mostly the tough cop type. Makes me feel insecure not being as tough as them. Then she retires to bed and reads books with the same kinds of guys in them.

I am a little unclear on this porn thing. Are we talking about cop shows on TV? Are you talking about telling the Bishop that your wife watches cop shows and accusing her of being a porn addict?

I think when we expand the definition of words to mean everything it soon means nothing.

Take rape for example. We think of rape as being a person, usually a man, who forces sex on an unwilling person. Now rape can mean two people getting drunk and having sex, and the women regretting it the next day. So what does rape actually mean today? I realize getting drunk with a woman, and waking up to be later charged with rape is not going to be a problem with good LDS people who live our standards, but it still doesn't mean that it isn't watering down the definition of something that is actually horrible to be something less.

I remember years ago when we would have SS lessons on porn, it often degenerated into a discussion about the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. I know that lusting after the models in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition is bad, but is it the same as looking at hardcore sexual activity on the computer late at night?

Do we not dilute how addictive and destroying this activity is, if we equate it to every bit of sexual ennuendo we find in our modern culture?

Regards,

George Clay

The same pleasure zones in the brain are being activated whether you are lusting while looking at hardcore porn or whether you are lusting looking at a scantily clad woman in a swimsuit or whatever your particular lust might be, be you a man or a woman.

We can look at porn in our minds (through fantasy) and it would have the same effect and consequence physiologically as if we were looking at images on a screen, book, or magazine.

Lust is lust and porn is porn, no matter the medium or mode. The expectation that God places on a married couple is for them to have complete, 100% fidelity to their spouse in every respect be that sexual fidelity or emotional fidelity or any other type of fidelity.

-Finrock

[Fiannan]

My son told me he read and article that said that the reason for older Catholic Churches having so many murals of naked people (i.e. going to heaven or hell) was an attempt to appeal to people's desire to see nudity. Would be interesting to investigate that.

Defining porn is really difficult outside the idea of morality. Most porn is what they call "whitebread" meaning a man and woman, or two women having sex. If we consider that porn then one can also say some of those science specials originating from Britain that actually show people having intercourse while the narrator discusses human sexuality are porn. Of course people having sex outside of marriage is committing fornication or adultery, depending on their marital status. However, would a video of a group of women playing rugby naked be pornographic? One prestigious British university's female team did a film of this for charity. How about a movie featuring a woman riding a horse naked? Pornographic? What then of paintings of Lady Godiva in fancy art museums?

Ultimately porn definitions vary. However, I believe the best way to label it is that it involves watching two people who are unmarried having sex. Oh wait, don't every prime-time TV shows depict that ? What is the difference between that sort of drama and something on a porn channel, just a sheet?